In my last post I also mentioned I have an issue I am struggling to come to grips with right now. That issue is vulnerability.
I hear a lot in this community about the process of peeling back the layers. Opening our hearts fully to our husband/HoH and being truly vulnerable with him. I have never allowed myself to become fully vulnerable to anybody before so I don't know what that feels and looks like. How do you know when you have reached that point?
Rick tells me all the time he is proud of my efforts in submitting to him and is happy with how I am doing. Except, I feel as though I am not "there" yet. What is "there" anyway? and do we ever fully get "there"?
We have come a long way and we had grown, both individually and as a couple, but I know we have a lot further to go. Much more to learn. I don't know if we ever stop growing, learning and evolving in TTWD and I think that's a good thing.
I feel as though I can give my husband more, but don't know how to go about it. I'm not sure if I'm building walls or putting up barriers as such, but I do feel as though I am holding something back for me and withholding it from him. Almost as though there is some blockage in me preventing me from allowing myself to become totally vulnerable to him. Is it my way of attempting to retain some control? I don't know. Maybe. Is it a self protection mechanism? Maybe.
We both know when I am feeling submissive. There are external signs from me. I constantly go for cuddles and I have a habit of constantly picking up his hand (yes, usually the spanking one) and kissing it. It's funny, since starting TTWD I've become fascinated with his hands, along with his belt - which I am always praying stays around his waist!
When I am feeling submissive, I tell him that I am feeling "squiffy". My own term meaning all soft and gooey and mushy. I love it and I'm at my happiest when I am feeling squiffy.
I find it hard to emotionally let go and allow myself to be totally vulnerable during or directly after any spanking. Most of the time I don't cry. At least, more than a trickle. The emotion is there inside but for some reason, it won't release. Of course, that doesn't mean the spanking doesn't serve it's purpose because it does. Not releasing the emotions fully leaves me feeling somewhat unresolved and a little frustrated sometimes.
Sometimes an emotional reaction to the spanking will hit me out of blue some hours later, but again, I never fully let it go and allow myself to be fully vulnerable.
This of course, isn't only about spanking. I generally don't feel as though I am being totally vulnerable with my husband and I wonder if the inability to let go during spankings is an affect of this.
I have told Rick this and he said it is making him wonder what he should or could be doing to help me open up more and allow myself to become more vulnerable. I honestly don't know. This is something that must come from within me and it's something I desperately want to give him. He is the love of my life and I trust him with my heart.
Maybe I am just over thinking this. As I said at the beginning, how do I tell when I have reached that point when this is so new to me? Perhaps I already have?
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I don't know what the answer is. It makes it so much more difficult when 'everything' seems to be working right, and yet it is not.
ReplyDeleteI suppose all I can offer is please be kind and patient with yourself. If you figure out a way to do that, let me know :)
Much Love
Willie
Hi Willie, I'm so glad to see you back in blogland, I missed you :)
DeleteI can't quite figure out how to be kind and patient with myself either - sigh!
Thank you for the chat about this the other day too. Between our chat, the wonderful comments received and thinking it further myself, I have come to the conclusion that I need to relax, let Dd flow and slowly feel pack those layers as I discover them.
Hugs
Roz
I don't think it is possible to ever fully get there.
ReplyDeleteYou are both doing a very good job.
It's all about the road you are travelling together. Enjoy the road. Roads go ever ever on!
Hi Bas, thank you. You are so right, It all about the road, and enjoying the ride. I will slowly peel back those layers as I come across them.
DeleteHugs
Roz
First, I would agree, Roz, this is an ever evolving, ever changing journey. We never arrive... I think 'arriving'.... thinking we know it all and can't grow anymore leads to stagnation. That's kind of the antithesis of TTWD.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I don't know if we ever really stop finding layers If you go back a few months on our blog you'll find a post where I bemoan having felt totally surrendered, then dismayed when I discovered another. I felt I was failing him. OFM did a most eclxcellent post on this as well, called Surrendering your bunch of keys. So you'll see you're not alone....you have plenty of company.
Again, going back to this being a journey and not a destination... maybe the point is not in knowing how many layers there are but is instead in our willingness to hold them out to our husbands in open hands as we find them, submitting each one in time, in turn, and accepting their deepening love and acceptance with gratitude and grace.
Hi June, thank you so much for this. It all makes such perfect sense. I agree, it is an ever evolving journey and not something we 'arrive' at. You last paragraph speaks volumes to me. That really is the key. I hadn't really thought about the fact that we keep finding different layers.
DeleteThank you again, I truly appreciate your comment.
Hugs
Roz
Roz,
ReplyDeleteI think June stated it perfectly. It's about the journey! It's about the commitment to continue going forward and the choice to continue surrendering pieces of ourselves as we become aware of them.
Your desire to give more of yourself speaks volumes of your love and trust in Rick. He's a lucky man!!
I also think you serve as a bit of inspiration for all of us who are on the journey.
Hugs, Catrinka
Hi Catrinka, Thank you for your lovely words. I have learnt from the wonderful comments I have received that we don't stop finding layers to peel back and that it's about the journey and peeling back those layers as we find them.
DeleteRick was a bit mixed about this I think. On one hand, I think he was a little disappointed that I felt as though I was holding something back (but I'm not really sure if that is the case now, having read the wonderful comments here and thinking it through further), but he was also happy that I want to give more of myself to him.
Hugs
Roz
I don't think there's any one sign that tells you that you've finally reached that layer of vulnerability. It's just something you instinctively know and feel. But like June said, that final layer may not necessarily mean the ultimate final layer, but the final layer for this point in time.
ReplyDeleteFor me, those layers were a self-protection mechanism. In the past, I've been hurt by people I trusted, both in romantic relationships and in other relationships. So every time I patched my heart up, I added a few more layers to protect it.
Peeling back those layers wasn't anything I consciously decided to do and we set out to make happen. It's more like a layer slipped away here and there until it finally hit me that I was vulnerable. I hope that makes sense.
Hi Dana, thank you so much for your comment, like June, you've given me more to think about. I didn't really think about the fact that we may keep finding layers to peel back.
DeleteYour last paragraph spoke to me. I was looking at it as something that should happen, that we should be aiming for rather than something that naturally happens bit by bit as part of this journey.
Thanks again Dana,
Hugs
Roz
Hugs Roz!
ReplyDeleteI think recognizing that there is something you are holding onto is the first step in surrendering it. You're doing great and I love coming here to read your story ")
P
Hi P, thank you so much for your encouragement, it means so much :)
DeleteI'm not totally sure now, having read the comments here, and thinking it through more, whether I am holding onto part of myself, or if I was just looking at things the wrong way (if that makes any sense!)
Hugs
Roz
Hey Roz - You and Rick are doing great. Yes dear, I believe you are over-thinking at this point.
ReplyDeleteTry looking at it this way, from the time we are born, we are on the journey of life; age, interactions with others, knowledge, experiences, etc. keep us growing, learning, and evolving. TTWD is a tool you and Rick have chosen to use in that journey together. As you grow, learn and evolve, the layers will reveal themselves.
As for crying, some people react to pain (physical/emotional) by crying and some don't. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I cried due to a spanking. The lecture and feelings it engendered...another story...sob city.
Just breathe and enjoy the journey.
Blessings,
Cat
Hi Cat, thank you for the encouragement. It means a lot and sometimes it takes other people pointing it out to recognise that we are growing.
DeleteEveryone's comments have been so helpful and have helped me to see things more clearly. I think now I was over-thinking or perhaps looking at it the wrong way. It now clicks that we are on a journey, and that these layers will reveal themselves bit by bit and we will peel them back as we find them.
I didn't consider that we may keep finding layers. As I said above to Dana, I was also thinking this is something we should be striving for and working towards, rather than something that will naturally happen bit by bit as we continue as journey.
Thanks again Cat.
Hugs
Roz
I understand what you mean. I am not there yet, not even by a long shot. As June said, it is the journey. Maybe we reach that layer when we are meant to, as our relationships continue to grow deeper and more meaningful?
ReplyDeleteElisa xo
Hi Elisa, Thank you, everyone's comments have been so helpful and have helped me see things more clearly. You raise another good point and I think you may be right. Each layer reveals itself bit by bit as we continue to grow and deepen our relationship.
DeleteHugs
Roz
June has said it all. Really, this is an exciting journey, of wonder and togetherness. To be able to rediscover yourselves and your relationship.
ReplyDeleteI know that I haven't yet got to the 'really feeling vulnerable' part. I have far too many layers to peel back. But I know I have started on that mission. Like you I tend to go and snuggle next to Starman on the sofa late evening before I go up to bed. At first he thought it was strange and unlike me. But now I've noticed he not only accepts it but looks forward to it. We don't use many words; I hug and kiss and snuggle, and he puts his arm around me and sometimes strokes my back. So I understand what you are doing Roz and it's lovely.
As for crying when being spanked, Lillie wrote an excellent post on this not so long ago. I find I will be laughing and talking, and then all of a sudden like a switch I will burst into tears. I realise that it is because I NEED to cry. But Starman is still so new to it all that he gets anxious and I end up reassuring him, and then the moment is lost. But I've never been 'discipline' spanked. The reaffirmation is very, very painful, just within my ability to cope. So I can't possibly comment on how I would feel if I erred and strayed.
You know, I think you are doing all right Roz. I think Rick is a very lucky man!
Hugs, Ami
Hi Ami, thank you for your lovely words and encouragement, it means so much.
DeleteEveryone has left such great comments and I have now come to realise that vulnerability is something that naturally happens as we continue down this journey. We slowly open our hearts and find those layers. I was looking at it as being something we should be striving for. But I guess we need to relax, enjoy this amazing journey and the layers will slowly reveal themselves.
Hugs,
Roz
I love the 2nd to the last paragraph that you've talked about it and Rick says he wonders what he can do to help you. Then you go on to say it something you want to give him. There is so much love from both sides. Since it is an internal process for you then I would say the fact that you recognize you want to open up or be more vulnerable then you will. The layers are external for us and we are growing by reading what you have to say:) Hugs.
ReplyDeleteHi SNP, thank you so much for your lovely and encouraging comment. There are so many great comments here and you have all helped hugely in processing this. I now understand that this will be an ongoing process of opening up and finding and peeling back those layers bit by bit.
DeleteThank you again SNP.
Hugs
Roz
ReplyDeleteRoz, perhaps it's a bit different for each of us? I doubt I'll ever get 'there', but rather that I will continue to learn and unfold. I hope so too.
One point that might help you. It has been my (our) experience that vulnerability goes both ways. The more vulnerable I became, eventually, my husband started opening up and becoming more vulnerable too. His is not about submission. It's a different sort of vulnerability, but very real none the less.
Sara
Hi Sara, thank you. I have received such wonderful and very helpful comments on this.
DeleteI was thinking of this as being something we should be aiming for, rather than something that will slowly unfold as we continue on our journey.
Thank you for your last paragraph. You make a very good point that I hadn't thought of. I hadn't considered that the vulnerability that comes with ttwd flows both ways. We are definitely both opening up more and more but it's funny, I hadn't linked this to vulnerability on his part so thank you.
Hugs
Roz
Roz you and I have a lot in common. I relate so much to the posts you write and the feelings that go with them. I too struggle with the aspect of vulnerability. I just plain don't like feeling vulnerable and it's difficult for me to put myself in that head space. I, like you, am not sure why this is so difficult for me. I assume it is some sort of protective mechanism. I see changes in me and I am my happiest when I allow myself to be "squiffy." Love that word btw! I'm not sure if there is an answer. I think this is a process and I see more of the layers peeling away of their own accord. Maybe the solution is just being open to the process and allowing it to happen. I would focus on enjoying what you have at the moment and let the more come when it's ready. It sounds like you two are in a pretty good place. I hope things continue to progress and grow for you.
ReplyDeleteLove and Hugs,
TL
Hi TL, thank you for the lovely words.
DeleteI have received such wonderful comments and I think you hit the nail on the head when you say it is a process and layers peeling away of their own accord. I think I was looking at it as though vulnerability was something we had to strive for, rather than being something that will naturally occur as we continue our journey.
You are so right. Focus on enjoying what we have and let the more happen when it's ready.
Thanks again TL
Hugs
Roz
I think that you may in fact be over thinking this. I don't need to cry during a spanking to feel open and vulnerable and to feel that sense of closeness and like things are resolved afterward. Some people need that crying to really release their emotions, gain that closeness and move on. But for me, it just doesn't seem to be how I'm wired. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything by not crying and Michael doesn't feel like I'm holding anything back from him because I don't cry. Now, I will say that I do sometimes cry before a spanking (while being lectured) or afterward (while we cuddle and he loves on me). But during? Nope. Hasn't happened and I'm not worried about it.
ReplyDeleteAs far as feeling totally open and vulnerable at other times, well, I'm a work in progress. Sometimes I do very well and other times, not so much. It's an area I'm working on, and area I've grown in and an area I still need to grow in. I'm not looking at ttwd as a destination that either of us reaches. To me, it's all about the journey. ;)
Hi Grace, Thank you. You raise some really good points. I too do fell open and vulnerable during a spanking, and that everything is resolved. I definitely feel that sense of closeness. I just sometimes feel a little frustrated that I haven't been able to release.
DeleteI've received such great comments and I think I maybe was looking at this as more of a destination rather than an ongoing processing of peeling back those layers bit by bit as we continue on our journey. You are so right. It is all about the journey :)
Hugs
Roz
I don't think we ever fully get there. It's all about the journey not necessarily the destination. We are always pushing ourselves one step further - that's life.
ReplyDeleteHi Sunny, thank you. I have received such great comments and you are right. As I said to Grace, I think I was looking at this as a destination and having through about it some more, with the help of my blog friends, I agree it is about the journey. Those layers will slowly peel back as we progress down our journey.
DeleteHugs
Roz
hi roz. This is a never ending journey, just learning and growing and changing along the way, thats the one thing ive learned in the last year. When the time is right you will give that extra layer, just keep doing what you are doing and enjoying it as you go....as for the crying...yeah, i cry now, nearly all the time during a spanking...for me it helps...once that dam bursts there is no stopping it. But doesnt mean to say its for everyone, some need to and some dont. Dont stress dont over think, just go with the flow :)
ReplyDeleteHi Kiwi, thank you. I have received such great comments.
DeleteI guess I was thinking of this more as a destination. You are right. It's about the journey. Learning and growing and peeling back those layers as we progress on the journey.
Hugs
Roz
I'm not sure either, as this is so different for everyone but I sure can relate to what you are saying. Realizing it is a big part of the solution I think and remaining open, especially after a spanking or intimate conversation is always helpful for us.
ReplyDeleteWe do one thing that tends to help me a lot. My husband usually keeps me over his knee for quite some time after a spanking. I can't get up right away. He talks and rubs my back and asks me questions. It's a vulnerable place and one of my most "open" moments and every once in a while he can tap into that deeper vulnerable place and I'll all of a sudden pop out with something I didn't even expect to reveal...and then we can talk about it. Those are often the moments when we feel the most oneness and I know I'm not holding anything back.
Hi Susie, thank you. Everyone has helped me so much with their comments. I think I was thinking of this as being a destination, rather than something that will naturally occur as we progress on our journey.
DeleteI do feel open and vulnerable after a spanking, and very connected. I just wasn't sure if I was fully vulnerable (if that makes sense).
What you describe sounds like a good way of opening up and connecting. My husband usually keeps me in position for quite a while afterwards too, but without as much of the talking as you describe. However, that quite often happens during the aftercare.
Hugs
Roz
This lifestyle produces such changes and such desire for changes that I think sometimes it is hard to catch up to. We feel changed. We want more change and are impatient to get there so we think and read and strive for that next layer. It's a process.
ReplyDeleteLike Sara said it really does go both ways and we both change and become more vulnerable and open doing ttwd. I think that is one of the things that helps me to want to peel back my layers because I see him working on himself as well and push himself too. You and Rick clearly work well together and will continue to progress together.
Hi Zoe, Thank you. Everyone has helped me a great deal with their wonderful comments.
DeleteI now think I was looking at this as a destination, somewhere I should be at. You are right though, it is a process and we find and peel back those layers bit by bit. An excellent point too about vulnerability going both ways. I too see the changes in my husband and see him working on himself and it makes me want to strive harder. I just hadn't considered that he was becoming more vulnerable as well.
Hugs
Roz
Hi Roz :)
ReplyDeleteI don't think you ever really get "there"....Ryan and I were just talking about this.....and we kinda liken ttwd to a journey....definitely not a destination....so there is no finish line so to speak.
I am not a good one to talk about being vulnerable....I struggle with that on a regular basis. Just keep talking things out....you and Rick are a great pair....and I know *if* there is an issue....you all will have figured out soon :)
Hugs....
~Lucy
Hi Lucy, thank you so much for your lovely comment :)
ReplyDeleteEveryone has given me such great food for thought here and you are right. I think I was looking at this as a destination, something I should be striving you. It is about the journey though, and we will peel those layers back bit by bit as we find each one.
Hugs
Roz