In my last post I also mentioned I have an issue I am struggling to come to grips with right now. That issue is vulnerability.
I hear a lot in this community about the process of peeling back the layers. Opening our hearts fully to our husband/HoH and being truly vulnerable with him. I have never allowed myself to become fully vulnerable to anybody before so I don't know what that feels and looks like. How do you know when you have reached that point?
Rick tells me all the time he is proud of my efforts in submitting to him and is happy with how I am doing. Except, I feel as though I am not "there" yet. What is "there" anyway? and do we ever fully get "there"?
We have come a long way and we had grown, both individually and as a couple, but I know we have a lot further to go. Much more to learn. I don't know if we ever stop growing, learning and evolving in TTWD and I think that's a good thing.
I feel as though I can give my husband more, but don't know how to go about it. I'm not sure if I'm building walls or putting up barriers as such, but I do feel as though I am holding something back for me and withholding it from him. Almost as though there is some blockage in me preventing me from allowing myself to become totally vulnerable to him. Is it my way of attempting to retain some control? I don't know. Maybe. Is it a self protection mechanism? Maybe.
We both know when I am feeling submissive. There are external signs from me. I constantly go for cuddles and I have a habit of constantly picking up his hand (yes, usually the spanking one) and kissing it. It's funny, since starting TTWD I've become fascinated with his hands, along with his belt - which I am always praying stays around his waist!
When I am feeling submissive, I tell him that I am feeling "squiffy". My own term meaning all soft and gooey and mushy. I love it and I'm at my happiest when I am feeling squiffy.
I find it hard to emotionally let go and allow myself to be totally vulnerable during or directly after any spanking. Most of the time I don't cry. At least, more than a trickle. The emotion is there inside but for some reason, it won't release. Of course, that doesn't mean the spanking doesn't serve it's purpose because it does. Not releasing the emotions fully leaves me feeling somewhat unresolved and a little frustrated sometimes.
Sometimes an emotional reaction to the spanking will hit me out of blue some hours later, but again, I never fully let it go and allow myself to be fully vulnerable.
This of course, isn't only about spanking. I generally don't feel as though I am being totally vulnerable with my husband and I wonder if the inability to let go during spankings is an affect of this.
I have told Rick this and he said it is making him wonder what he should or could be doing to help me open up more and allow myself to become more vulnerable. I honestly don't know. This is something that must come from within me and it's something I desperately want to give him. He is the love of my life and I trust him with my heart.
Maybe I am just over thinking this. As I said at the beginning, how do I tell when I have reached that point when this is so new to me? Perhaps I already have?