Why do I confess to my husband? Because he expects it. He trusts me to carry out his instructions, follow his leadership and rules and expects me to come to him and tell him when I fail to do so. However, that is not the only reason.
I have consented to my husband taking the lead in our relationship and I trust him to make the best decisions for me and for us. As part of this, he sets guidelines for us both to follow. The rules, guidelines he sets are in place either for my own benefit, to help me become a better person, or for the benefit of our relationship.
If I don't follow his leadership, how can I expect him to lead? If I don't follow his leadership, how can we expect to receive the benefits of living this lifestyle and to grow together?
If I don't follow his leadership, how can I expect him to lead? If I don't follow his leadership, how can we expect to receive the benefits of living this lifestyle and to grow together?
My husband holds himself to a very high standard and when he makes a mistake he owns it. He takes responsibility, confesses to me and apologises. Just as he expects it of me, I also expect the same of him.
To not confess, in my opinion, would be dishonest and a betrayal of the trust he has put in me to follow his leadership. By the same token, the same applies to him. To not confess would be a betrayal of the trust I have in him as our leader.
Is it easy to confess? No. It is something I wrestle with internally for a while before taking the plunge and starting that sometimes difficult conversation, knowing that I am going to disappoint him and seeing that disappointment in his eyes.
Of course, knowing that it may lead to some unpleasant consequences for me also gives me pause. But, as part of our ttwd relationship I have also agreed to be held accountable by my husband for my actions. If I do something he would otherwise be unaware of, but for me confessing it, I cannot be held accountable and that means the behaviour isn't modified.
I don't handle the feelings of remorse and guilt I have by not telling my husband very well. Also, if I don't confess it means I get away with it (so to speak) and that leads to me feeling less submissive overall which of course, never ends well.
Confessing is not easy, but it is by far better to confess and accept any consequences of that confession so that the slate is clean and we can move forward.
To not confess, in my opinion, would be dishonest and a betrayal of the trust he has put in me to follow his leadership. By the same token, the same applies to him. To not confess would be a betrayal of the trust I have in him as our leader.
Is it easy to confess? No. It is something I wrestle with internally for a while before taking the plunge and starting that sometimes difficult conversation, knowing that I am going to disappoint him and seeing that disappointment in his eyes.
Of course, knowing that it may lead to some unpleasant consequences for me also gives me pause. But, as part of our ttwd relationship I have also agreed to be held accountable by my husband for my actions. If I do something he would otherwise be unaware of, but for me confessing it, I cannot be held accountable and that means the behaviour isn't modified.
I don't handle the feelings of remorse and guilt I have by not telling my husband very well. Also, if I don't confess it means I get away with it (so to speak) and that leads to me feeling less submissive overall which of course, never ends well.
Confessing is not easy, but it is by far better to confess and accept any consequences of that confession so that the slate is clean and we can move forward.
Before we started ttwd, and even into a bit, I knew this was the right thing to do, and yet the internal turmoil was not there as it is now.
ReplyDeleteWe ( at least at print time *wink*) are not really at the stage where confession leads to serious consequences for me- but not confessing sure does.
Odd how ttwd works on such an internal level.
Love
Willie
Hi Willie, ttwd makes us more accountable for our actions (although it is something we should do regardless of whether we are in a ttwd relationship or not) which makes confessing both harder, yet in the same breath easier then before (if that makes any sense!).
DeleteI hope you are are feeling a lot better now.
Hugs
Roz
Confessing really is best for us.
ReplyDeleteThe problem comes when there is no resolution--no time, no energy, no whatever it takes to deal with the aftermath of the confession.
It's funny how difficult it is to handle a confession when nothing happens afterward.
It's still difficult to accept whatever discipline is then meted out as a result of the confessing, but perhaps that knowledge will make it easier to accept it? Confession is a gift, and the resolution of the confession is also a gift.
Hi Ana, a very good point, thank you for raising it. I hadn't really though about resolution of the confession being a gift.
DeleteFor me, nothing happening as a result of the confession can leave me feeling unresolved sometimes. However, where my husband legitimately decides no action is warranted he is good at explaining this and why. When he does this I am left feeling like the issue has been resolved and we have a clean slate and that a burden has been lifted by him at least knowing.
Hugs
Roz
I always confess my faults, I guess it is my way of laying it out there. I think that even without TTWD I would feel like I was lying.I am certainly not perfect but, if it is something bad, I confess.
ReplyDeleteHi Minelle, it is hard but it always feels so much better to confess doesn't it? I agree, it is something we should do whether in a ttwd relationship or not.
DeleteHugs
Roz
Confessing is definitely a key to a successful DD relationship.
ReplyDeleteBeyond just "being" honest... Knowing you are completely honest in your relationship and the weightless feeling that gives inside is so stress relieving.
Thank you Mr BB, you are so right. Being completely honest with my husband, although difficult to do and it sometimes leads to some unpleasant consequences, is stress relieving. I do feel that weightless feeling you describe afterwards, as though a burden has been lifted.
DeleteHugs
Roz
Very nice post, Roz.
ReplyDeleteConfession is not easy for me, but I have become committed to doing it. I have been leaning a little on others to give me the nudge I need to go through with it. I have a bad habit of trying to hide my crimes.
Mr. BB above is so right - the unburdening, the weightlessness is such a better state to be in.
hugs
lillie
Thank you Lillie :)
DeleteI agree, it certainly isn't easy, especially when you bum is on the line lol, but it is the right thing and feels so much better doesn't it?
Hugs
Roz
Hi Roz, excellent post. Confession is always the best but is not always the easiest thing to do. I too am expected to confess. Prior to christmas a confession could come in the form of an email or writing it in my book. But since christmas, I dont know what has changed in Sir but something has, and I have tell him. He has warned me that if he "discovers" a confession in my book then the consequences will be worse for me.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ana though that sometimes you can confess but then there is a delay in the consequences or even at times no consequences at all...thats very hard to cope with. And in my humble opinion thats also a breach of trust.
hugs kiwi xxx
Hi Kiwi, It certainly isn't easy to do but I can't live with the guilt of not confessing, I tend to spiral downwards , probably because I have 'gotten away' with it and then things tend to spiral.
DeleteAs I said to Ana, nothing happening as a result of the confession can, at times, lead me to feeling unresolved. However, it depends on how the confession is handled by my husband. If he legitimately doesn't see the need for any action and communicates this and his reasons I do feel resolves, the burden has been lifted just by him knowing.
Hugs
Roz
You know that old saying "Confession is good for the soul" is really true. For me, it's hard living with a guilty conscious.
ReplyDeleteHi Sunny, I find it hard to live with the guilt too and that saying is so true. I find it hard to live with the guilt too. In fact, I also tell him anything I even think about doing that I shouldn't, even if I don't go ahead with it!
DeleteI find it cleansing (once you've dealt with any fallout that is!) and it allows us to move forward with a clean slate.
Hugs
Roz
Very thought provoking post Roz. To me, whether it's just not confessing or deliberately deceiving, it's violating the trust that someone (HoH, family, friends) as honored me with. I just get the worst stomach cramps when I think of losing that trust. Sunny also makes a good point - I can't live with the guilt.
ReplyDeleteHugs and Blessings,
Cat
Thank you Cat, you are right, relationships are built on trust, and trust is a foundation of a ttwd relationship in particular and by not confessing we are violating that trust. I agree too, it's something we should do with all of our relationships.
DeleteI can't handle the guilt either and agree with Mr BB above, being completely honest is stress relieving.
Hugs
Roz
Thanks Roz for a great blog.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't keep a secret from my Daddy Jack if my life depended on it - so this is one of the easier things for me - thank goodness. But you've written some very thought provoking things about why it is important and the consequences - which I find very interesting.
Thank you and happy new year.
Jack's Jill
Thank you Jill, glad you found this interesting. I can't keep a secret from my man either, which I think is a good thing.
DeleteHugs
Roz
I think you are right on the money Roz. This kind of relationship only works well when based on pure honesty. Confession is part of that. I learned it the hard way at the beginning when we had a "tell all by the end of the day" rule.
ReplyDeleteHi Susie, thank you. I agree, honesty is one of the foundations of a ttwd relationship.
DeleteEnd of day - that's a hard one, you need time to get your head around it before making that confession I find. When I think about it though, I suppose I do usually go to him the same day.
Hugs
Roz
This is how it is with Michael and I as well Roz. It was that way long before we introduced ttwd into our relationship, though there was a period of time when it did kind of slip by the wayside. It's not always easy and like you, sometimes it takes me a little while before I take the plunge. But, it's a part of being honest with one another I think.
ReplyDeleteThanks Grace, I think it's important whether in a ttwd relationship or not, but ttwd makes it even more important. I agree, it is about being honest, which is tired in with trust.
DeleteHugs
Roz
Well stated, Roz. Confession is good for the soul and a great relationship can not exist without this. Hope you guys have a great weekend, too.
ReplyDeleteThank you SNP, it certainly is good for the soul, and it is tied in with honesty and trust, which are vital to any relationship I think. I agree with Mr BB's comment above too.
DeleteHugs
Roz
Hi, Roz. I can tell you put a lot of thought into this post, to explain what you believe and why, and how it works for you. Honesty and trust go hand in hand. For me, the more mutual openness and honesty I feel, the stronger I feel in our trust for one another.
ReplyDeleteIrishey
Thank you Irishey, welcome back to blogland!
DeleteI agree entirely ... honesty, trust, it all goes hand in hand. You can't have trust if you are not entirely honest. Any that has to be mutual.
Hugs
Roz
Yep, me too. It's not that I would lie or hide things from Will before, but rather I'd have an attitude of, "Why should I tell him this when I know he's done this, this and this?"
ReplyDeleteIt was scorekeeping, which is never good in an authentic relationship. Now I tell him. Heck, I tell him things I was just *thinking* of saying or doing, lol. And the thing is - he appreciates it. He appreciates knowing that I was thinking something, decided not to, and told him. Or did something, realized it wasn't right, and told him.
That vulnerability is HARD - but I think...I think it makes a big difference to my husband. It's about admitting I'm wrong, I'm sorry, and feeling confident *telling* him that. As opposed to defending it, which I would have done in the past.
It's about...letting him really know me. My weaknesses. And my strength in acknowledging my weaknesses. Does that make sense?
Great post, chica. Love how you make me think!
Thanks Elisa, ttwd does make us more accountable doesn't it?
DeleteI too also tell my husband things I was even just thinking about doing or saying too and he appreciates it too. Just thinking about it, I think doing that also lets them know where our head is at, that we were even thinking it, even though ultimately we didn't.
Being so vulnerable can be hard. It's about being completely honest, and about trust.
Hugs
Roz
Great post, Roz! This is something that I don't think Ward and I ever really discussed, it was just something that, we too, intrinsically understood.
ReplyDeleteI did agree to let him lead. We agreed to be transparent to each other. If I do something that breaks our rules, and I withhold it I am not only guilty of disobedience, but dishonesty by omission. And if it is not against the rules, but I withhold anything for any reason, even a worry/fear/doubt, I am not not submitting to his leadership.
I have shocked friends when I have had a small potty-mouth slip (You, June?? Hangs head - yes,me - sigh - rarely but hey, it happens), wince and say,now I have to tell Ward - he'll never know- but I will, and I do not want secrets between us.
When I do confess, it builds the trust between us. Is there spanking? Heck, yes! But it will be just discipline - a reminder- and not a full-blown correction spanking. I ashamedly admit that I have been corrected for keeping worries from him. The lecture cut deep, hurt more than the spanking, I wasn't letting him do his job, I wasn't leaning, and it was the same as saying I did not trust him with my worries.... and that could not be further from the truth.
Like Rick, Ward is very quick to accept his part, ask for help, share his frustrations and worries (ok, he sometimes needs a little coaxing in the worries department... but he is open when he becomes aware he is withholding). There is one area (yes what I received correction for) in which I struggle, but we're working on it :-P It makes us stronger.
Great Post Roz! She accepts my leadership and guidance with an open heart and a seemingly neverending supply of grace and dignity. Confession is in my mind a must for any relationship. As an HoH, I am glad that June and I can trust each other to be open and honest with each other even when it's difficult. We grow stronger all the time!
ReplyDeleteHi Ward and June, Firstly, thank you both so much for taking the come to come back to read this and comment, I truly appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteI both admire and respect you for what you have achieved, and continue to achieve in your relationship and for the wonderful encouragement and support you offer the rest of us.
Every time I read what either of you have written, be it on your blog, or in comment to someone else, I feel I learn something. What I read always gives me food for thought. Your comments here are no exception. Being completely open and honest with each other is important, not only when rules are broken, but confessing our thoughts/feelings/fears/anxieties etc also. We hadn't really focussed as much as we should on the later so it's something I will discuss with Rick more.
Thank you both once again,
Hugs
Roz
ps - June - I can't really imagine you having a potty-moth slip :)