Sunday, 28 October 2012

My Thoughts On Submission

Lillie had a recent post on submission.  Where it comes from and what we can do to help retain it or re-gain it when we just aren't feeling it.  This post got me thinking so I decided to share my own thoughts on the subject.

There is a difference between acting submissively and feeling submissive.  I believe it is possible to act submissively without actually feeling submissive, but this isn't true submission that comes from deep within.  Having said that though, I do believe that by acting submissively this can lead to actually 'feeling it'.  Fake it till you make it (so to speak).

So where does submission come from, and how do we retain it?  Well, to me there are a lot of things that come into play here and I have listed these below: 

What the HoH can do

I've read recent comments that submission comes from the HoH's spanking hand.  These comments may have, at least partly, been in jest but I think there is some truth to this.  Spanking is, after all, a highly intimate act and there is no greater show of dominance and submission.

There are a lot of things the HoH can do to help us find and retain submission.  I believe it is the duty of the HoH to do all he can to assist his wife in reaching her goal of submission.

There were a lot of good ideas in Lillie's post and in the comments.  For example, a piece of jewellery that must be worn at all times as a symbol of his dominance.  Also, by simply exerting his authority in different ways constantly.

Of course, consistency from the HoH is crucial in enforcing rules and desired behaviours.  Without consistency the incentive to let him lead, and indeed to encourage him to lead is diminished.

As I mentioned above, it is possible to act submissively without feeling submissive.  Ultimately though, true submission is a gift and must come from within.  It cannot be demanded or 'forced'

A domestic discipline relationship is like a dance, the more dominance exhibited by our husband, the more submissive we feel and vice versa.

Obedience and respect

I think there is an important tie-in between obedience, treating your husband (and others) with respect and submission.  By following the rules of the household and other expectations on us from time to time, we are not only playing our part within the Dd dynamic, it in itself is also an act of our submission.  This in turn leads to us feeling more submissive.

Now, of course, this is a tricky one.  Obedience and submission go hand in hand and feed off each other.  At times when we aren't feeling it, it's not easy to obey, particularly if the HoH is not consistent with enforcing the rules.  It is too easy for thoughts like "why should I bother" to creep in.

This is an area where I think couples early in a Dd relationship sometimes struggle.  It takes time to adjust to having rules and to consistently follow them.  It also takes a new HoH time to become comfortable in his role and to enforce the rules in a consistent manner.

Obedience and respect are two of the corner stones of a Dd relationship.  When submission takes a hike I think it is important to remember this.  Also recognise that by disobedience you are letting both yourself and your husband down.  Remember too that such actions lead to unpleasant consequences.

I have singled out obedience and respect here as I think they are the aspects of a Dd relationship that crop up most often.  Of course, the same applies to dishonesty and dangerous behaviour.  Some couples also include distancing as an element to their relationship.


I believe there is a strong tie-in between our femininity and our submission.  When we feel feminine we are more yielding, feel more vulnerable and therefore less likely to become bolshy, bossy or try to take control away from our husband.

Doing things that make you feel feminine (wearing feminine clothing for example) can produce feelings of submissiveness.


Giving our husband consent to lead us and bear ultimate responsibility for the entire family, and to use discipline to enforce rules/expected behaviours takes a great deal of trust.  It also makes us extremely vulnerable.  Until such time as we put complete trust in our husband, I think it is impossible to become truly submissive and embrace the vulnerability that arises from submission.

This trust has to develop over time.  This is another area where I think couples new to this lifestyle may struggle.  It takes time for both partners to adjust to the lifestyle and their individual roles within it.   With patience and perhaps a little trial and error this trust slowly develops.

Having said all the above, what about me?  Am I always submissive to my husband?  No.
Do I follow every rule and carry out every instruction he issues 24/7? No (just ask my husband!).  In fact, I was spanked just the other night for not completing an assigned task and (cringing here) for getting to bed later than the time I was given a few nights ago (again!).

Submission takes time to cultivate and a great deal of effort to maintain.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

My Rock

A while back I posted a list of top 20 Dd songs for a bit of fun.  I realise I have overlooked a song that describes in many ways how I feel about my husband Rick.

Yes, this is a gushy post about my amazing husband - I hope you'll bear with me :)

I have always had issues with self confidence and low self image and am prone to making self-depreciating comments.  Rick is my biggest fan and has always has complete faith in my abilities (far more than I do!)

Since beginning this lifestyle, Rick has become far more attuned to my needs, my moods, when I'm stressed, worried etc. He assures me every single day of his love for me with his wonderful sweet words and actions.  He also recognises when I am lacking in confidence and need encouragement.  The self depreciating comments are slowly diminishing as Rick no longer tolerates them.  I know that he has my back and that he is there to lean on when I need it.

All these things were present before Dd to some degree, but their presence is so much stronger now.  He is simply my rock.  He gives me strength and encourages me fully with any endeavour I undertake and makes me feel that I am capable.

I am under 5 foot tall, but Rick makes me feel like I am 10 feet tall.  With his help and encouragement I am slowly gaining in self confidence, but it is still a work in prgress.

I am thankful to my husband for leading us on this incredible ttwd journey.  It isn't easy.  I struggle with keeping to the rules all the time (such as bedtimes and texting) and submission sometimes takes a hike, but I really wouldn't have it any other way.

The song is You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban.  I am sure you probably know it, but if not take a look.  I think he has an absolutely amazing voice, I hope you enjoy:)

"You Raise Me Up"

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Thank You Bonnie

Thanks Bonnie

I hope it's not too late to show my appreciation to Bonnie. 

Thank you Bonnie, for being the glue that holds this amazing online community together. The warm welcome you extend to new bloggers via your I
n With The New additions and the encouragement, support and advice you offer.

When we started out in ttwd I was a lurker on your site and it helped me a great deal in figuring out what ttwd was and what it meant for us.  When I took the plunge and started my own blog, I was so excited when I saw my little blog on your site.  My blog has grown since then and your site continues to send most of the traffic my way.  

I truly appreciate your efforts and all you do to keep this wonderful community together.  Your openness, willingness to answer questions and inclusiveness. 

Thank You -  from the 'bottom' of my heart!

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Following His - Lead?

Things have been going great since my last post.

Now that I understand just how deeply protective Rick feels toward me (something I obviously under estimated before!), I have been feeling so loved and cared for and we have been so close.  Of course it also helps that I haven't been in any more trouble since :)

What's that you say?

I should hope not Roz, it has after all only been a few days? sheesh, give a girl a break!  Oh alright, maybe you do have a point.

Anyway - back to my little story.  This afternoon we were out and about having lunch, a spot of shopping etc.  Just regular routine stuff.  We were walking up the street and came to a crossing.  Without thinking I made moves to cross the road and shot out ahead of Rick leaving him behind.  Suddenly, I felt his hand grab me and pull me back.

No, no, no shaking his head (there's that protectiveness again)

Sigh - Sorry babe.  I guess I shouldn't be racing off without you like that should I.  I should be following your lead

Get in behind he said with an impish grin - and then 

Hmm.  Maybe I should get a collar  - Grrr

We have a lot of conversations like these and I always wonder whether we are overheard and if so, what the person hearing us would think.

Sunday, 14 October 2012

Hurt, Forgiveness and Growth

The other day I messed up very badly.  I caused my husband a ton of unnecessary worry and anxiety about my safety and hurt him badly in the process.  I still feel sick about it.

I had to go to my parents and wouldn't be driving home again until after dark.  They live some distance away and getting to them involves having to negotiate a notoriously dangerous stretch of road.  My husband hates me driving to and from my parents alone and always worries when I do.  I know this.

Whenever I am going to be driving anywhere, if he is not home when I leave or home when I return he expects me to text him when I leave home and when I arrive at my destination and vice versa when I return home.  When it is my parents I am going to, he is even more adamant about it.

Well, I did text him to tell him I was leaving my parents to return home, but didn't text when I got home.  Since it was dark, my Mother was also worried about me driving back home and had asked me to ring her when I got home so that she knew I was safe.  This I did, but I failed to text Rick.  It was fairly late when I arrived home and there were pets to be taken care of, washing to be taken care of etc so I launched into those chores instead.  When we are apart I also have certain times by which I am meant to text him anyway.  I guess I thought I'll just send him my usual text.

A little while later, after the chores were taken care of (hang my head in shame here) I went onto the computer reading blogs etc - still not having sent a text to my dear husband.  The following text arrived from him

Hey babe, this is my I am a worried Hubby because I haven't heard from you text.  Thought you would be home by now and would have got a text.  Please text me right away if you can to tell me that you are ok.

I didn't see the text for a while and when I did my heart sunk.  I knew he was really worried.  I was in the middle of replying and he rung.  Oh you are there, thank God! I've been worried sick.  When I heard the anguish in his voice it was as though somebody had a vice grip on my heart squeezing all the life blood out of me.  We spoke for a while and he said right now I'm just so relieved, but we will talk about this more later.

Friday night,  Rick told me to go to the bedroom, get undressed, put my dressing gown on and wait for him.  He came in and sat on the bed while I knelt in front on him.  He explained that I knew just how much more deeply connected we were, that he had been out of his mind with worry with a thousand scenarios running through his mind.  Wondering what he would do if anything had happened to me as he couldn't bear to be without me.  Wondering what he would do if I didn't answer the phone.  He also said realising just how much he needed me and couldn't be without me scared him.

He said he just couldn't understand why I would do that to him.  I should have known just how much more he worries now and how much more protective he feels now we have such a deeper connection than ever before.  He also said he felt hurt that I would do this to him.  That I would ring my parents to let them know I was safe but not him and that it was thoughtless.  He also pointed out that I knew he expected me to text when leaving and arriving home and had therefore also broken a rule.  It should have been the first thing I did.

I'm going to give you something to show you just how hurt I am and how seriously I take this.  Just how much I don't ever want this to happen again.  It can't happen again.  Stand up baby

He removed my dressing down, lay me over the bed and spanked me with the leather paddle.  I have a love/hate relationship with that paddle depending on how it is used.  It can be quite sexy and fun when used a certain way, but boy, when used to really drive a point home it really hurts - no fun at all!

He spanked with the paddle for a while then put it down.  I then saw him removing his belt - OMG - he has never spanked me with the belt before!  I had read comments on several blogs attesting to the evils of the belt and had felt secure in the knowledge it wasn't an implement my husband used - thank goodness I don't get that.  I tried to swallow my immediate panic and steel myself for the blows.

After the belt came the wooden spoon - which is so dense it is rather like a wooden paddle and packs a mighty punch.  The spanking continued with him alternating between the implements.  During a pause in proceedings I reached my hand back to rub my poor backside.

Don't you dare rub

That earned me several more extra hard swats.  He usually allows some rubbing (although usually after the spanking, not during!)

Afterwards, I told him I now knew without a doubt how serious he is about me, about us and TTWD and admitted that I did have doubts early on as to whether he would be able to carry out discipline.  Of course, I also assured him that those doubts had long since dissipated - hey, I'm not that stupid!  Ok, maybe I am because he assured me he was prepared to do anything it takes.  To which I said ....

wait for it ....

So, after the spanking you've just given me, you wouldn't hesitate to spank me again tonight if I broke a rule or something

Absolutely.  Yes, no hesitation 

Yeah, Ok - that wasn't my smartest move because you know what?  (cringe) we discovered a little later that I had, in fact, neglected to pay a bill .....  soo, it was back for another round.  Otk this time, and thankfully not half as serious but on top of my already sore behind it made an impression.

Smack, Smack, Smack

You know this is your responsibility Roz

It was quite a defining and incredibly emotional moment for us, both in terms of husband stepping things up like never before and in lessons learnt and realisations made.

What did I learn?
  • I learnt just how deeply my husband's protective feelings run
  • I learnt that the texting rules we have (especially when out in the car)  are very important to him and are about him knowing I am safe
  • I learnt my husband will do whatever it takes 
  • I am at the point of 'fearing the spanking' - which in absolutely no way equates to fearing my husband.

I still feel mortified that I put my husband through all of that unnecessary worry and hurt.  I honestly didn't realise just how deeply protective he was toward me and just how much he would worry.  That is weak to say given I did know at the time he would worry.  I wish I could go back and change things, but I can't.  The great thing about TTWD is that the issue has been resolved and he has forgiven me.  Although it is taking a little longer for me to forgive myself.  I'll get there.

I am so thankful to have such a wonderful man who loves me so fully, who takes care of me and protects me and I am so grateful to him for leading us on this wonderful journey.  I would never, ever want to put him through that again.  

We have since found out that a woman drove off the road on that same stretch of road on the same night I was driving home from my parents and was not found (thankfully alive) under early the next morning.

Friday, 5 October 2012

Oops - I Did It Again!

So ... this is not the post I thought I would be writing tonight - sigh!

Deep breath - here goes.

After a spanking a while back for not going to bed when instructed (on several occasions, on almost consecutive days), not following bedtime instructions the very next day after the spanking and as a result being banned from blogging and having a set strict bedtime for a week in addition to another 'major' spanking ...

...You guessed it - the other night I once again failed to follow my husband's bedtime instructions. -  Oh, stop glaring at me, shaking your head and tutting - I know already! ...  I said stop!

As a result, I was banned from blogging (again!) last night (thankfully just for the night) and had a strictly enforced bedtime.  My husband also told me will 'talk' about this some more as well when we have our usual review.  Yeah, I know exactly what that means - my backside is going to pay the price for my stupidity also.  I get it, I understand, especially given the recent history with this particular issue.

My husband said I may not have missed the deadline but that much, but it is an ongoing issue, one that has only fairly recently resulted in some fairly 'robust' consequences.  He also said it doesn't matter how far past the deadline I was, being late at all is disobedience.  He needs to know he can trust me to carry out his instructions, esepcially when he is not with me, which is on a fairly regular basis.

I am banging my head right now.  How could I have been so stupid - especially after recent events.  Also, it's not that hard to achieve surely - just make sure you are organised in enough time to meet the deadline - right?

I don't know why I've been struggling with this particular issue lately - but I know I am going to have to sort it out, and fast!!

Monday, 1 October 2012

Rules and Consequences - A Question

I've been pondering - I do that sometimes you know.

Love them or loath them, in most DD relationships there are rules or guidelines to follow and consequences for not following said rules.  Some couples have written rules, some don't and some may not have any specific rules.

When it comes to consequences, some couples have a set consequence for breaking each particular rule and for others, the HoH determines what consequence (if any) is appropriate each time a rule is broken.

We don't have set consequences for each rule and my husband has an artillery of, deploys  uses a range of consequences.  He considers each rule infraction taking into account the circumstances surrounding the infraction.  Why the rule was broken, were there any factors outside of my control etc then determines the appropriate consequence.  As a result, I have faced different consequences for breaking the same rule on different occasions.  I have been spanked on one occasion and given lines on another for example.

I guess there are pros and cons to each approach. With set consequences there are no surprises, you know what the consequence will be if you break a particular rule.  (I know I have had the occasional surprise).  Of course, having set consequences doesn't preclude the HoH from taking a different action if he considers it to be more appropriate in the circumstances.

On the other hand, with no set consequences this could potentially lead to feelings of uncertainly or confusion.

Of course, most of us have a pretty good idea of what will get us spanked.  Don't ask me how, we just know these things don't we? - we're smart like that.

Personally, I'm not sure which approach I prefer and I thought it would be interesting to get your views.

Do you have set consequences for each rule?

Do you think having set or discretionary consequences would work better for you?

Ok, now that's the serious stuff out of the way I think I will spice things up just a little - just for you Lillie :)

Last night my husband and I 'connected' in the most delightful way - I'll leave the rest to your imagination!

Today I said something to him about last night and he replied you seemed to be enjoying it.  You sure were moaning a lot - in different ways.

Hmm, I replied rubbing my booty - He certainly had some fun with the paddle last night!