Happy New Year!!

Well, it has just clicked 2014 here.  New Zealand leading the way as always :)

Rick and I wish you a very Happy New Year.  We hope 2014 is a wonderful year filled with love, laughter, happiness, health and, of course ... many spankings :)

Thank you so much for your friendship and support this year.  You are all truly amazing and your support has been invaluable to us.

Merry Christmas!

I can't believe Christmas is here!  It's Christmas Eve.  Time to hang up my stocking ...

... and wait to see whether I made the naughty or nice list this year.

I guess for the spanko's among us it's pretty much a win/win either way right?

Rick and I would like to thank you all from the bottom of our hearts for your wonderful support, encouragement, advice and friendship this year.

We would also like to take the opportunity to wish you and your families a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.  We hope you have a wonderful time with family and friends and if you are travelling, travel safe.

We are very much looking forward to summer holiday.  Time at the beach and hopefully lots of daytime dates :)  Look forward to catching up with everybody in the new year.

(Couldn't resist this :)

Sorry Dear, Did My Backside Hurt Your Hand?

Firstly I want to say thank you all so much for the wonderful, kind and supportive comments on my last post.  The amazing support from this community never ceases to amaze me.  I truly appreciated your comments and receiving them helped me more than I can say.  I am feeling a lot brighter.

The cat has been on steroids for the last week and she is much perkier and is eating well, which was the main reason for the steroids.  Seeing her seem a lot better in herself has been a huge encouragement to me ... but, I need to remember that it is ONLY because of the steroids.  I will talk to the vet tomorrow about her ongoing care.

Why is it that things, both major and minor seem to pile up on each other?

The car failed warrant of fitness as it needed some new tyres.

Thursday Rick and I both ended up with a stomach bug.

Friday was our Christmas lunch day at work.  Get in car to head to work ... dead battery.  Needless to say, it was a good start to the day and I was quite late to work.  BTW, Friday was the 13th right?

I have come to realise despite what I said in my earlier post that although the physical aspects of DD have not been as present recently, Rick has been continuing to lead and has remained in control.  He has been very gentle with me and giving me what I need right now.  That includes a lot of reassurance and hugs.  Oh, and a few more light hearted spankings. We have not had our usual role affirmation sessions.

You may recall in my last post I mentioned we had a dinner to go to last Saturday.  Rick did everything in his power to get me to relax and take a night off everything.  Going to bed that night I stripped down to my knickers and bra and stood by him for his 'inspection' as I always do.  He touched me all over, gentle caresses that set every nerve ending in my body on fire.  Boy I love it when he does that!

He then sat up in bed and pulled me across his lap and proceeded to spank me, alternating between hand and leather paddle.  The spanking was more of the yummy kind, although it did let me know that he was firmly in charge and afterwards his fingers wandered bringing me to the brink.  The whole thing was bliss and exactly what I needed.

This past Saturday we had a rather humorous spanking.  I may have been a tad cheeky.  We were mucking around chatting etc on the couch and I suddenly found myself over his lap.

We lift your nice pink robe

Pull these down ... knickers come down

and

The spanking begins

Ow, ow, oh that hurts, ow, ow

Ow

Wait a minute ... what??

Awe, did you hurt your hand?

Yes I did ... each work punctuated by harder swats.  I couldn't help from giggling interspersed with ouches

Awe, poor you ... ow, that hurts!

It's my left hand too.  My weak hand

I know ... and it hurts!

Ow, ow ... shaking out his hand

No wonder we use implements

Ha!  what about our backsides?

Difference is, your backsides are meant to hurt

Grrr

Suckiness and Are We In The Mood for DD?

Warning:  This is a completely negative rant and contains little spanking so please feel free to move on.

I haven't managed to read and comment on posts the last couple of days.  I apologise for this.  It never ceases to amaze me how far behind you can get, even if you only miss a day!

It has been a whirlwind and rough last month and a half. What is it with this time of year?  Why does it seem that everything piles up this time of year and that everything bad thing happens at once!

I have been in a funk off and on for a while now.  I feel non-plused and unenthusiastic about anything.  I don't want to socialise and everyone around me is, quite frankly pissing me off.  Work has been a major stress factor, which always seems to happen just before Christmas!  I have absolutely no enthusiasm left for the organisation I work for or the job I do which makes the stress even worse.  BTW do you have that one person at work who just constantly gets up your nose and irritates you all day long with their habits?  We have one particular person who pounds the keyboard so hard and also types so rapidly it just irritates the hell out of me, it gets right into my head so that I can't concentrate.  To cap it all off he is also a constant nose blower.  Not just an ordinary nose blower but a honker!

My Mum has fairly recently been diagnosed with Alzheimers. This didn't come as any real surprise and nothing has changed as such.  Dementia has been quite evident for some years.  However, up until now the doctors had been reluctant to make the call.  Mum had a minor stroke which resulted in a brief hospital stay.  Fortunately she hasn't suffered any residual affects.  However, the doctors were prompted to look into her dementia again resulting in the diagnosis of Alzheimers.

The good news is that where my parents live there is a lot of support and assistance available to them.  Most of this will be required in the future but is available to them now.  At the moment they are managing extremely well.

Over the last week we have had a few trips to the vet with one of our two cats.   We initially took them both for the annual check up and vaccinations.  One of them had not been eating particularly well and had also been vomiting and lost weight.  The vet was very suspicious of a serious illness. After some tests we were today told that she does indeed have cancer and that there is very little that can be done.  I keep asking myself what did I do wrong, why didn't I get to to the vet sooner, what should I have done differently.  I feel responsible and also heartbroken at the knowledge that she will not be with us very much longer.

This week in particular has been an emotional roller coaster. We now have to talk further with the vet and make decisions as to what is in her best interests.

As far as TTWD goes, it seemed that too was also non-existent.  It seemed that we re-committed to it, eventually had our first role affirmation session then nothing.  To be fair, I also wasn't 'feeling it'.  I had started to slip on adhering to some rules and the lack of accountability for it didn't help.  Vicious circle anyone?  Obviously, life was getting in the way which did not help matters.

Even though TTWD may have been absent Rick has been so supportive and has been my rock throughout the trials of the last month and in retrospect I can see that he remained in control.  It was the more tangible and physical aspects of TTWD that were absent.

A couple of weeks ago I told Rick I felt as though ttwd was falling away and how I missed that connection between us. The very next day I was told "no bra tonight".  Oh sure, you're suddenly in that mood!  Now you want to be 'dommy'!  Obviously we all have periods we feel more or less Dominant/submissive but should it be like a switch ... should ttwd/dd be something we do when we're in the mood?  Shouldn't it be a constant?

We were talking in bed the next morning when Rick suddenly sat up in bed, pulled me over his lap and proceeding to launch a surprise attack on my bottom.   Afterwards we talked some more and he acknowledged he hadn't been consistent and apologised and I also acknowledged my lack of consistency.  He said he wanted to get us back on track and also that he needed to reevaluate our rules and what is really important to him as part of the problem is the fact he doesn't feel as strongly about certain rules as he used to. He therefore needs to reevaluate whether they are still required.

The power of spanking never ceases to amaze me.  I did feel a lot better for a while after that spanking.

Last week saw the minor irritation of our lawn mower giving up the ghost and having to replace it that weekend.  After assembling and 'playing' with the new mower Rick gave me another surprise spanking for not following bedtime rules a couple of times.  (No Ana, nothing to do with commenting on advent calendar posts :) It was short and sharp and to the point.

I'm sorry this is such a whiney post.  It's the most joyous time of the year after all and I should be feeling it right? This weekend we have a Christmas dinner to attend.  I'm not feeling it.

I want to end this post on a more positive and festive note. Both Ana and Kenzie are running awesome advent calendars during December.  If you haven't already checked them out click on the pics to the right and you will be magically transported to their main calendar pages.

Happy Thanksgiving!

To all our American friends, Rick and I would like to wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving!  We hope you have a enjoyable holiday weekend with family and friends.  To those travelling, travel safe.

To everyone else, we hope you have a wonderful day and upcoming weekend :)

For some of you we know the holiday weekend will be mixed as you miss a loved one.  Our thoughts are with you and we hope that you are surrounded with love.

Although we don't celebrate thanksgiving, it is also a good reminder to us to give thanks for the many blessings bestowed on us.

We give thanks for you, our blogland family for providing us with such amazing support, encouragement and advice.

Thank you!

I couldn't resist adding this.  I used to absolutely love Bewitched! :)

Loving Our Lurkers

Welcome Lurkers! I know you are there.  Today is your day, a day we celebrate and appreciate our silent readers.  

Today is Love our Lurkers Day organised by Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts.

I was a lurker for a long time before I finally plucked up the courage to start my own blog and comment on others.  When we started our Dd/ttwd journey I gained a lot from reading other blogs. I knew I was not alone and that others were going through the exact same things I was and it gave me great encouragement.   I also learnt a great deal from those a little further along on their journey than us.

However, that did not compare to the incredible friendship, support and advice I have gained from fellow bloggers since I finally 'bit the bullet' and started this blog and commenting on others.  I only wish I had de-lurked earlier.

I remember the first time I made a comment on a blog.  It was with great trepidation.  Will my comment make me look silly?  What will she think of me?  Will she reply?  To my surprise, the blogger did reply and was extremely warm and welcoming.

I appreciate everyone who visits, even if you don't leave a comment and make yourself known.  

If you are someone who reads but never comments, today I extend a hearty welcome and invite you to say hi. 

Don't know what to say?  Just a simple hi or I was here will do.  Of course, please feel free to share anything you want to with me. After all, if you have been lurking here for a while you know a lot more about me than I know about you!

Of course, if you've been lurking here for a while then you probably also know that I can be a bit ... um ... Scrappy.  Don't let that put you off.  I promise I won't bark or bite :)

Go on, you know you want to!  Don't by shy.  You Don't need a blogger account or ID.  You can simply use the anonymous option if you wish.  

I would really love to hear from you.

Need A New Bum?

We were in a book store today and Rick spied this little gem. I just had to share!

Anyone feel like this?

Turned out poor chap though he needed a new bum because the one he had a crack in it LoL

Happy Friday Everyone!  Hope you all have a fantastic weekend :)

I Like You In Pink

This past weekend was labour weekend here.  A nice long weekend plus I also took Tuesday (yesterday) off work.

It was a great weekend and we were blessed with lovely spring weather.  The weather can be fickle this time of year and it is notorious for strong gale winds which ruins an otherwise nice day.  This weekend, even the wind abated. We spent the afternoons taking drives, visiting the odd shop, cafes etc. Just spending time together. It was nice.

Saturday night Rick decided a return to role affirmation was in order.  This was the first since reintroducing DD due to circumstances and if you read the previous couple of posts, you know I have been nervous and anxious at the thought of re-starting RA.

I hadn't been spanked for so long I was worried as to how I would handle it.  Erotic spanking hadn't occurred much either during our hiatus.  I guess were just weren't in the right mind set.  Not feeling our Dom/submissive roles.

Anyway, I'm not sure Rick intended it to happen this way, but we were joking around together on the couch and next thing I found myself over his lap.  I have no idea how that happened ??!  He started swatting my bottom alternating the swats with rubbing.  It wasn't hard, in fact, I was quite enjoying myself :)  After a while he stood me up, pulled my jeans down and took me back over his knee.

Ooh - I like these!

Giggle

Very nice!  Sexy

The fancy knickers distracted him for a while.  He rubbed my bottom while he admired the view.  Then the spanks began. The swats weren't hard and I was continuing to rather enjoy myself.  It felt like I was home.  It just felt right.

God I've missed your bottom .... so fresh, so smooth, pristine

Giggle

I like you in pink

You do look good in pink, I especially like your bottom pink.  A nice rosy glow.  Blog that!

He only used his hand and went fairly easy on me.  In fact it was more of an erotic spanking.  No naked kneeling! ... until later that is (more on that later).  Although the spanking was more erotic, he continued throughout to tell me I am his, that he wants and expects my submission.

After he finished spanking he gently moved me to kneel in front on him, whereupon he unzipped his jeans and proceeded to keep my mouth busy.

Good girl

Thank you Daddy - he knew what I meant 

A gentle reintroduction.  Now let's think about some dinner  simple as that!

Later ...

Rick obviously decided I had had enough of a gentle reintroduction to spanking

Take everything off except bra and knickers  

After some hesitation I complied

On your hands and knees

He then proceeded to reacquaint me with all his favourite implements and preceded each implement with  "remember this"? ... Uh, yeah.  How could I forget?  I can tell you it hurts so much more when you haven't been spanked for a while! At one point he took a break from spanking and asked what the fuss was.  "You're out of practice".  Sheesh!

Apparently he then decided it would be a good time to also to get me back in practice with the clothes pegs.  I'm afraid to say I freaked.  Those damn things hurt, especially when they come off!  I balked and tried to squirm away.  No, no. He wasn't having any of that, he attached the first peg to my nipple and told me to breathe.  He gave me time to adjust before producing the second peg.  I balked again but on it went. 

I guess you could say I have been reacquainted with spanking and role affirmation.  This was a good step for us in getting back on track.  I'm grateful it was a gentle reintroduction.  Well, to start with at least!

Thursday Smiles :)

I need to finish replying to the comments on my previous post.  I promise I will get onto it.  Thank you all so much for your wonderful and encouraging comments.

In the meantime, I received these and couldn't resist sharing.  Hope they bring a smile to you as they did to me. Enjoy :)

Finding Our Way Back Part 2 ... Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I posted part 1 a couple of weeks ago and apologise for the delay in getting around to part 2.

As I mentioned in the previous post, Rick had asked me for my submission again and I said no, because I wasn't convinced he was truly ready to don his HoH hat again.  I thought he may have been doing it for me, in response to me telling him that I missed the connection we had and was afraid of loosing 'us'.  A couple of very good and very wise friends told me I should have trusted his motives for wanting to re-start DD and that he wouldn't have broached the subject unless he truly was ready.  They were right of course and I think I knew it deep down inside, yet, I still said no.

I think Rick was somewhat stunned and confused by my response, especially after what I had told him earlier.  To be honest, I think I was stunned and confused as well at the time!  He said it was OK, he was completely fine about it if I wasn't ready and that there was no rush.  I didn't know quite how to take that.  Do you want to resume DD or don't you?

Then commenced the dance.  For the next couple of weeks we discussed resuming DD off and on.  I would dither  and he would reiterate that there was no rush.  This carried on for a while even after I said I felt that I may be ready.  It was a game of will we, won't we, maybe and it left me feeling confused for the most part.  I was still unsure myself and I was also unsure as to whether it was what he really wanted given that he kept saying there was no rush.

Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing?  I now realise that he recognised that I wasn't ready and wasn't going to force the issue as both partners have to be on board and fully committed in order for DD to work.  In fact, he has always said if at any point it isn't working for one of us then we stop.

I stopped telling him I thought I was ready to restart and starting telling him I was ready.  For a period however, we both kept insisting there was no rush.  I know ... maddening ... not to mention confusing!  

Eventually after some very nice bedroom time during which I have to say we both played our Dominant/submissive roles quite nicely (but I digress :) Rick simply stated the rules were henceforth reinstated.

So ... that was the (rather messy) path to re-starting DD. How have we been doing since?  I know you're dying for me to tell you!

Well, in my previous post I said it feels like we are back at the beginning ... only not.  What I mean by that is that it feels as though the process is very similar to when we began.  We are taking things very slowly and just letting things evolve.

Writing lines last weekend was the first punishment Rick has given me since re-starting.  Prior to that he would talk to me about any issues, rule breaking etc and give me a lecture and a warning.  I know he was giving me space to get back into a submissive mindset.  He told me as much.  That is very much how it was when we first incorporated Dd.  We also haven't reinstated role affirmation, although he is now planning to .... more on that later.

Where it differs is that we are slowly re-introducing things, like role affirmation, that were present previously.  They are no longer 'firsts".  We haven't introduced anything new into our dynamic and none of the rules have been altered.  I think at the moment Rick's focus is on reintroducing what was in place before the hiatus. 

Rick is definitely settling back into his role and becoming more and more comfortable wearing his HoH hat.  As for me, I'm struggling.  As much as I crave and need this lifestyle, I am struggling to play my part.  To obey his instructions and follow our rules.  Last weekend was obviously the last straw for him, hence the lines.

I would love to say that after that I found my submissive self again.  Over the last week there have been a few slip ups, including failing to follow bedtime instructions again just a couple of nights later and breaking my rule of not playing with the phone in bed.  

I am fortunate that I have not been punished again. However, Rick did give me a firm lecture the other day.  His view is that sometimes a lecture on its own is enough of a consequence, and it definitely can be enough for me.  I think I have mentioned before that lecturing is something he has never struggled with from the very beginning.

Anyway, during this particular lecture he told me I have to play my part as well and that he thought I wanted to submit to him and that he wants me to because I want to rather than have to (so to speak).  When I tried to reassure him I do want to he looked me in the eye and said "actions speak louder than words".  Yeah, ouch! He is of course right.  It takes both of us to participate, it doesn't work one sided. We need to support and encourage each other and I am afraid me not doing my part may knock his confidence again.

He also told me I needed a 'good' role affirmation session. Eeek!  It is yet to happen but will be soon.  I'll be honest and say I'm nervous about that because it has been so long. I still struggle somewhat with being naked and kneeling, although I understand why he insists on it and agree with his reasons.  I could really do with your support and encouragement.  I don't want it, yet I do.  I know it is what I need and relish the feelings and connection afterwards.  

He has no idea how effective that lecture was.  I have been pondering his words ever since and have also been chatting to a few friends who have been invaluable in helping me process things.  Thank you so much for your amazing support and advice.

I feel as though I am now finally starting to regain my submissive mindset.  I think I'm simply struggling to readjust after the freedom I had during the hiatus.  I admit, I was torn about giving that freedom up when Rick first said he was ready to reinstate DD, yet I know it is what I want and need. I do think that I need to feel his dominance and for him to be stricter with me right now.

So, that is where we are at the moment.  Two years into this dynamic and it feels as though we are at the beginning in some ways and in other ways not. It feels that way but in reality, I know we are evolving.

Speaking of change, I thought I would highlight some of the changes we have experienced over the last two years.

We communicate more

We communicate better

We listen more

We laugh more

We touch more

We are more affectionate with each other

We speak to each other respectfully and respect each other's point of view

We are both more confident.  This is particularly true of Rick and he is also more confident in other areas of life such as his career

We argue less

We distance less

and best of all ... we love more

We have seen some amazing benefits both as individuals and as a couple and, although I may be struggling a little right now, there is no way I want to go back to life before DD.

Happy Thanksgiving Canada!

To all our Canadian friends, Rick and I would like to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving weekend.  We hope you have a wonderful weekend with friends and family and enjoy the celebrations.

I couldn't resist this cute little picture of domestic harmony.  I think her halo must be away being polished :)

Although we don't celebrate thanksgiving, it is an opportunity for us also to reflect on, and give thanks for our blessings. We are thankful for our blogland friends who provide us with such wonderful support, encouragement and advice.

I would also like to ask that you join me in sending hugs and prayers to our friend Betsy and family.  Betsy sadly lost her Mom today.  We are thinking of you at this time and sending our love and prayers.

The Return Of Consequences

I know I promised part 2 to my last post.  I will get to it, hopefully shortly but in the meantime I wanted to share my current predicament with you.

Since we reintroduced Dd, rules have been reinstated but so far have not been enforced.  There has been no accountability or consequences for not following them as such.  Should any rules be broken (or bent :), and I have to say there has been some of that, Rick has talked to me about the situation and issued warnings.  I think he has been giving me time and space to get my head back in the game.

Well, it seems that time is up.  

Last night he told me I could stay up ... but to be sensible. Well now, that's trouble right there!  What's your definition of 'sensible'?  Sadly, in the end it didn't matter because the time I finally crawled into bed was not what anybody could possibly consider sensible!

I choose my actions.  I chose to not follow Rick's instructions and in doing so I chose to accept any consequences.  What those consequences may or may not be is up to Rick to choose.  He trusted when issuing the instruction that I would carry it out and by not doing so I breached that trust.

Soo ... as it turns out, tonight I will spend my Saturday night writing lines.  Lines are one of his go-to punishments. Fortunately however, it doesn't happen too often.  Perhaps that's got something to do with my, obviously currently misplaced halo?  BTW, if you should happen to trip across it in your travels, please return it to me.  I hope it's not too damaged!  Oh, did I mention that this is an initial consequence?

Am I going to complain?  Well, much as I don't like lines (they truly suck!  They are time consuming, boring ... I could go on) ...  as I woman in a Dd relationship I accept that I will be held accountable for my actions.  It is what we have both agreed to.  Besides that though, I welcome being held accountable for my actions.  I thrive on Rick's leadership and am happy that he leads our relationship.  That he takes such great care of me and helps me to be the best that I can be.  I'm happy that he cares enough to hold me accountable.

It is a step in moving forward.  I'm getting my HoH back ... and that makes me happy.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find the writing pad and pen we keep around here for such occasions.  Oh, and the book we keep to record such occasions for posterity. 

BTW does anybody know of a cure for writers cramp?  Hope you have a much more exciting Saturday night than mine!

Two Years and Finding Our Way Back

I know what I want.  You can give me the gift of your submission.

No.

Wait a minute ... what??

This was a conversation we had about a month back. We were talking about Rick's upcoming birthday.

It has now been two years since we introduced DD into our relationship.  Two years and it feels as though we are back at the start when we first introduced it ... or not.  Make sense? No?  Ok then.

If you follow here you will probably know that we put our dynamic on hold a while ago.  We had hit a brick wall.  Trust had been broken between us and Rick had lost confidence in himself as HoH and no longer felt he had the right to lead our relationship.  This hiatus was to allow us time to rebuild that trust, confidence and reconnect without the pressure of DD and to concentrate on just being 'us' for a while.

It seems that taking a break is not uncommon and it seems many couples do, from time to time take DD 'breathers'.  I think we all have times when we need to take a step back and take some time to think things through.  Evaluate what is and what isn't working.

We fully intended to resume at some point.  Well, as I alluded to in my previous post, that point is now.  We have now reintroduced DD into or relationship.

The hiatus has been ... interesting.  It gave us a chance to see what DD has done for us as a couple and as individuals. Our basic structure remained however specific rules, consequences and role affirmation were off the table.

Since introducing DD we communicate much better and on a deeper level and are more aware and accommodating of each others thoughts, feelings and needs. It has also brought a much deeper level of intimacy and connection that I never thought was possible.  Simply put, a whole new way of interacting and a much greater level of intimacy. Speaking of ... did I mention the changes in the bedroom? Oh, I didn't?  Oh well, never mind :)

During the hiatus I tried to keep to the rules, even though they weren't being enforced, because they are things that are important to both of us.  For a while I wasn't doing too badly (I hope think Rick would agree with me!) but over time I started letting them slip further and further.  This disappoints me because the fact is, I want and desire to submit to Rick.

Why then should I need the rules to be enforced in order to obey them?   I should be able to submit without the threat of consequences because I want to.  Right?  Sadly, that wasn't exactly what happened.  I need to feel his dominance, that he is leading us and that he has me in order to fully submit.  I guess it's true, dominance and submission really do feed off each other.

I may have slipped to a degree on adhering to the rules, however the way we interacted remained the same.  We continued to treat each other with mutual respect and communicated well.  I think a lot of changes that have occurred in our relationship over the last two years would remain, even if we never fully went back to DD.  It's just who we are now.

Over time I started to regain the trust I had lost and it was becoming increasingly obvious that Rick was regaining his confidence.  All throughout our hiatus he would 'suggest' things.  What he thought I should do in any particular situation etc, but then say it's up to me. That was so foreign to me and it must have felt the same to him.  It took a while to get used to not being 'told' and not asking permission for certain things, or to undertake certain activities.

It was a huge period of adjustment for both of us.  I have to say I began to enjoy the freedom of having no rules. Perhaps a little too much!  Being able to please myself, go where I wanted, when I wanted, buy what I wanted etc.

But

I no longer felt safe and secure or as connected to Rick.  I really missed the structure and level of intimacy and connection that DD somehow seems to provide.  I didn't feel as cared for, even though I knew he didn't love me any less than he had before our hiatus.

Now ... back to the beginning of this post ... about a month ago Rick asked for my submission again and I said no.  Why on earth did I do that?  I want this lifestyle, I love that he leads our relationship.  I find ultimately deferring decisions to him and feeling cared for and protected at the same time freeing.

It had been obvious for a while before Rick asked for my submission again that he was feeling a lot more confident in himself and that he was beginning to feel ready to once again don his HoH hat.

A few days before he asked I shared that I felt we weren't as connected and that I was afraid of loosing 'us'.  Therefore, when he asked for my submission again, I wasn't sure if it was really what he wanted or whether he was doing it for me, because of what I had said to him.  I didn't trust that he was truly ready himself to come back to DD.

So, I said no and told him it was because I wasn't sure he was truly ready.  In hindsight, I know I should have trusted his motives at the time and that he wouldn't suggest re-starting DD unless he truly felt ready.

I confess I was also conflicted at the time.  Yes, I am thankful that we embarked on this lifestyle and wouldn't want to go back.  But, I had also become somewhat independent and, as I mentioned earlier, was enjoying the freedom.  I told him as well as not being sure he was truly ready that I wasn't sure whether I was ready.

To be continued ...

Happy Birthday!! ... Back In The Swing

Today, 23 September is Rick's birthday.  By happy coincidence he also shares his birthday with his idol, the Boss.

Happy Birthday Rick and Bruce!

Rick, words can not express how much you mean to me. You make me feel loved and cherished every single day and give me strength and courage.  You are my rock and I don't know what I would do without you in my life.

Thank  you for all you give me. For being my HoH, for loving me and most of all, for being you.

......................................

I apologise I have not been able to read and comment on posts this weekend.  Things have been crazy round here and I hope to catch up with everybody soon.

We are finally back in the swing of things (pun intended) and reintroduced DD.  Rick made the comment today that he is going to have to limber up his arm!  Oh yay!

It has been an interesting process getting to this point.  A lot of questioning, soul searching, discussion etc ... but I'll save that for another post :)

Where is Kiwi? ... Prayers Needed

For those of you who know Kiwigirliegirl, she has asked me to let you know she is currently in the final stages of relocating to her new home and locale. She will post again and catch up with blogland  once they are settled into the new location and routine.

Apparently the new house is larger and will offer more privacy and we all know what that means.  Lets hope she keeps her halo firmly on her head :)

Also, your positive thoughts, healing energy and prayers are needed again.  Ami of Ami's Starsong has a new grandson who is very ill.

Please visit Cat for more details and updates and join us in surrounding Ami, Starman and their family.  Please feel free to leave messages for Ami here also.

A New Look and An Update

I have been redecorating.  Did you notice??  Huh .... did ya??

A huge thank you to Wilma for creating the header and for helping me with the new background etc. Actually, help is a big understatement!  Did I mention she also has the patience of a saint. Dealing with copious emails and questions from me.

Thank you Willie!!  I truly appreciate you giving you time to my little 'project' :)

Speaking of Scrappy ... Scrappy had been keeping a low profile ... until recently that is!  (S)he has slowly but surely been making a reappearance recently.  Rick has certainly noticed this too and has commented on it.  In fact, just this evening he said something along the lines of "hmm, you really are getting Scrappy again aren't you".

I feel as though things with us have, well, stagnated.  I mean, we're not in a bad place, but we don't seem to be moving forward.  We are, dare I say it, 'comfortable' - eek! We are still dealing with issues life is throwing at us right now and it has made it difficult to take time out to just focus on us.

With following of rules being 'optional' (shall we say) and no role affirmation (or any other spanking for that matter) I feel as though I am starting to take some control back and retreating to miss independent mode.  Of course, being able to make my own decisions and not being held accountable isn't helping.

As I mentioned previously a lot of the basic structure of our dynamic remains in place.  However not being held accountable when I fail in those expectations is hard.  I am trying to maintain my submissiveness and continue to behave in the same way as before our break.  However recently I have been slipping and as much as I am trying to keep to our established rules, I am starting to let them slip.

Now why is that?  Why do I need his dominance and to be held accountable to maintain my submissiveness?  Surely I should have this.  I should be able to maintain my submissiveness without these things.  I mean, I desire this lifestyle, I desire to submit so why then is this happening? Perhaps, as much as I hate to say it, this exactly why role affirmation works for us - dang it all!

Although it feels as though we are treading water right now trust and confidence are returning and I wonder whether things will just naturally slowly return to 'normal'.  Perhaps without us even realising it.

I just have to add that we have now secured tickets to the Boss.  Yeeesss!!  They sold out very quickly so we were lucky. We tried to get our tickets in the pre-sale but by the time we tried, there were obviously only a limited number of the tickets we wanted in the pre-sale and we missed out.  As you can image, Rick was like a caged lion.  He didn't rest until the tickets went on general sale and we had obtained ours.

Congratulations Sarah!!!

Just a quick note to acknowledge that Sarah of Clear as Mud completed her first Half Marathon on Friday night.  I think that is pretty awesome!  Her dedication to achieving her aim has been steadfast.

Congratulations on reaching your goal Sarah!  Way to go!

I pinched the pic from Katie of This Whole Thing.  I hope you don't mind Katie :)

The Bad .. The Ugly .. and The Boss

Recently I have talked about earthquakes and the fact that Rick and I are going through a bit of a rough patch and have put certain aspects of our dynamic on hold while we work though these issues.

Sorry but this post isn't much different.  If you've had enough of hearing about all of that (I'm actually bored with it myself!) please feel free to skip this post.  Oh, there is some good news if you can bear with me :)

We are working through things and are slowly regaining both confidence in our roles and trust.  It feels as though we are moving forward and putting the incident behind us.  A number of people commented on my previous post that it seems we have not actually put our dynamic on hold.  I hadn't really thought about it that way but I guess that is true.  A lot of the structure remains in place and many of our rules are being loosely observed.

Most of the rules are in place for a good reason and are things that matter to us. They are things I do out of love and respect and therefore I am continuing to observe them.  Others, however are in place more to reinforce our roles, such as asking permission for certain things.  These rules have been taken off the table for now along with role affirmation and consequences.

Putting some aspects of the dynamic on the back burner has been good for us.  It has allowed us to just focus on us and on reconnecting.  We are taking things slowly and I hope that we will come out of this even stronger.

It's fair to say that last week was the week from hell, which has also meant little time to just focus on us.  We had some serious external issues to deal with as well as work issues.

Did I mention earthquakes earlier?  I did?  Our week from hell culminated in another 6.6 earthquake Friday afternoon, a month after the earlier big quake.  Its epicentre was in the same place and we had been having constant aftershocks during the month from the previous quake, although we weren't feeling many of them.

This one was even more scary as, unlike the first one, it was during the week so we were in the city at work.  Fortunately Rick and I were together when it hit.  We were out on the street at the time making our way back to work which made it even more scary.  All cars on the roads around us at the time immediately hit the brakes and stopped.  It was Erie.

There was no major damage or injury, although there has been substantial damage in the towns closer to the epicentre, but the scene was pretty chaotic.  Traffic immediately jammed with people trying to get ot of the city and we were evacuated from buildings etc.  There were people everywhere and emergency sirens blaring and vehicle's galore.  The rest of Friday night also saw a number of fairly large aftershocks, some not much smaller than the original quake.

Now we go through another round of aftershocks from this quake although again, we haven't felt that many of them.  I probably made it sound more dramatic than it was.  Still, it was a scary experience and I am unnerved and on high alert praying that this swarm of activity would just stop.

Ok ... now I have gotten the doom and gloom off my chest, onto the good part :)

Although Friday was an extremely difficult day it did have a silver lining.  Those of you who have read here for a while may recall that Rick is a huge Bruce Springsteen fan.  The Boss is his absolute idol.  You may also recall that Bruce is currently in the middle of a massive world tour.  We expected that he would play some concerts 'down under' sometime early this year.  Australia was a certainty, but little ole NZ not so much.  We waited with baited breath when the Australian tour dates were announced last year to see if NZ was on the schedule.  It was a possibility given the scale of the tour.

Our hopes were dashed.  Tour dates for Australia were announced but no NZ concerts.  Rick was so disappointed, as was I as thanks to Rick, I have become a fan also.  I also wanted this so badly for him.  Travelling to Australia for a show there just wasn't an option for us.  The Australian dates occurred during March this year.

In the early hours of Friday morning an announcement was made that Bruce would again be touring down under in March 2014 and guess what .... this time a date in NZ has been confirmed!  We had no clue before the announcement that he would be returning to Australia, let alone NZ!  I think we are both still in shock!

Rick and I are both so excited.  I am so thrilled that he will get to see his idol.  It truly is a dream come true for him.  Rick has seen Bruce a number of years ago on a previous tour here.  However, he says his dream was to get to see him again and with me at his side this time.  How sweet is that!

Rick will be going to see some some of this

I will too but if you ask me he also hasn't got a bad body, especially for his age :)

Taking A Break From DD

Thank you so much for your wonderful and encouraging comments on my last post and to those of you who contacted me to check in.  I can't tell you how much your support has meant to both of us.

Life has not been smooth in Rick and Rozzie land recently.  We are working through things and working very hard to reconnect and move forward.  I'm happy to say we are making good progress.  I know it is going to take some time and perhaps patience to rebuild trust, but we are getting there and slowly moving forward.

In my last post I talked about consequences for the HoH when he makes a mistake. I have seen that there most definitely are consequences, just not the same consequences we, as TiH face ... well, unless you deploy the Rogue method that is :)

This has been very hard on Rick. He has felt a tremendous amount of guilt and is also devastated that my trust has been ... well ... dented.  It has also shaken his confidence and right now he doesn't feel he has the right to lead.  Therefore, he made the decision to put DD on hold to give us breathing space to work through the issue as a couple.

From my perspective, I think it was a good decision for us.  Also, we both know that if Rick continued to lead right now it would feel forced which would not be good for either of us.

I have been quite surprised by his reaction and how seriously he is taking this.  This has also been a good thing as it has shown me his commitment to us and to our relationship which has helped slowly restore my faith in his leadership.

We have done a ton of communicating and have been working hard to move forward and are feeling much more connected again.

It feels strange.  No rules. No consequences. NO ROLE AFFIRMATION!  Yippee!  I should be over the moon and going crazy doing whatever I want ..... right?  Well .. no.  BTW, what does a TiH do as soon as rules are taken off the table?  Yep ... she pays a visit to the hairdresser! LoL.  I did talk to him about it first and reassured him I would not do anything drastic and that I would stick to the usual boundaries. Still, I could tell he wasn't overly happy about it as he didn't think my hair needed cutting anyway.  It certainly felt strange to him not being able to say no LoL.

So what does this mean? I guess perhaps the rules haven't been taken off the table as such, but they are not being enforced.  I am continuing to adhere to some rules and some we have let slide.  The rules I am adhering to are rules that really matter to him/us.  They are about things like checking in and letting him know my whereabouts when apart so that he knows I am safe.  They are really more expectations, although they are expectations with consequences.   Some specific rules, such as asking permission for certain things .... like haircuts :) have been taken off the table.  It has been so strange 'telling' him things I am going to do rather than asking if I can.

Ultimately, our interactions have not really changed.  The underlying foundations of our dynamic are very much still there.  DD has given us tools to communicate better, create more closeness and generally enhance our relationship.  I am convinced if we never go back to DD (although I can't see that happening) these tools will remain with us.

Rick is regaining his confidence and I sense he is tentatively reaching out for his HoH hat, but just not quite ready to put it back on his head yet.  To be honest, I'm not sure that I am ready to fully embrace my role yet either.

We had a lovely night Saturday night just connecting as a couple.  It was what we needed.  We cooked a lovely meal together.  Once we finished eating he got up and came round to stand behind me still sitting at the dining table and gave me a neck and back massage.  Later, I tentatively asked him how he felt about spanking now and he said he just wanted to focus on us right now ... then he followed up with "That doesn't mean I won't tan you hide for fun" LoL.  Let me just say he has retained his dominance in the bedroom :)

Sunday morning we were discussing something in bed, trying to decide what to do. He wanted to know what I thought.  I couldn't make up my mind so he made his up and said "I've made a decision".  I looked at him and said "Hey, you're not supposed to do that right now are you?" LoL.  Yep, I think he is starting to get itchy palms judging by some of his comments and looks!

I'm not sure how long it's going to take, but I'm confident that this

Will soon return to this 

 In the meantime.  I've already had my hair cut.  I'm wondering what else I can do.  Any suggestions? :)

An Update and When the HoH Makes A Mistake

I want to start by saying thank you so much for your lovely comments on my previous post and thank you to those of you who have contacted me over the last couple of weeks.  I can't express enough just how much your loving care and concern has meant to us.  Thank you so much for thinking of us and keeping us in your prayers.

Two weeks on we are still be rocked by aftershocks.  Most of them  are small and we aren't noticing them.  However, every now and then a larger one arrives.  All this leaves me still feeling a little unnerved.  I can't help it.  It's the fear of the unknown and whether we will have another, more sizable quake.

Mother Nature is being rather quirky right now (definitely a woman! LoL).  She has given us earthquakes to deal with on one hand and blessed us with some lovely weather on the other.  We have had a fairly long run of lovely fine, sunny days with temperatures hovering around 13 - 14 degrees Celsius.  Not bad for the middle of winter!  Having said that though, I believe the forecast for the coming week is for some showers and rain.  Oh well, I guess we can't complain since we haven't seen any rain for a while now.

Last week saw a major challenge for both our relationship and dynamic.  One of the things about DD is that it is unequal.  By that, I am not in any way saying we are not equal partners, but the HoH leads the relationship and the TiH submits to this authority.  This division of power is no more evident than when it comes to consequences for ones actions.  As TiH's we have certain rules to follow and behaviours expected of us and when we fail to adhere to those rules, or to meet expectations there is a consequence.  We are spanked, there is forgiveness, a reconnection and the issue has been dealt with and put behind us (pardon the pun).

What then happens when the HoH makes a mistake?  We are all after all only human and as much as we like to think of our HoH as infallible, being human means they are fallible sometimes,  Just like us.  However, unlike us there is no such consequence for his actions.  Actually, I don't think that is entirely true, but I will get to that later.  How do we as the TiH feel when the HoH makes a mistake and how do we resolve those feelings?  What about his feelings?  He is likely feeling the same feelings of remorse, disappointment etc that we feel when we make a mistake.

I hope what follows does not come across as an attack on Rick.  It is certainly not my intention.  I want this blog to be an honest account of our journey.  All of it, not just the good parts.  Also, I hope publishing this may be helpful to some of you. Rick has read this BTW.

To put it bluntly, Rick made a huge mistake last week.  I knew something was amiss and started asking questions and he confessed his actions.  This left him feeling incredibly guilty and me feeling disappointed and confused.  This particular issue is one that we have dealt with in the past.  In fact, it last reared its head not long after we started our DD journey.  Neither of us really knew at the time how to deal with it and it nearly derailed our dynamic.  We worked hard to deal with the situation and get past it and to continue our journey into DD.

Given the history, I was astounded that we were once again faced with this issue.  It has caused so much distance and lack of trust before that I felt sure it would not happen again.  After all, some of the cornerstones of any good relationship and particularly a DD relationship are honesty and trust.

I felt devastated and disappointed.  It also made me question my trust in Rick and worst, how much I mean to him if he could do this.

Rick on the other hand has been feeling deeply remorseful and unworthy of leading us.  We nearly decided to put our dynamic on hold for a while to allow us to deal with the issue.

Back to consequences - I mentioned above that there are no consequences when the HoH makes a mistake.  Well, I don't believe that is entirely true.  No, there is no spanking or any other punishment.  That's not to say there are no consequences however. He has to deal with his own feelings of remorse and work hard to regain the trust in him that has been lost while continuing to lead his family.  In some cases he has probably lost some confidence in himself as a leader as well.  He has to make amends.

We have had some tough conversations this week in an attempt to move forward and we are slowly getting back on track.  I know we will come out the other end of this and perhaps be even stronger.  Rick has worked extremely hard to reassure me of his love for me and his commitment to us.  I know he loves me and that he is committed to us, but this did knock me for a six and left me questioning.

Though we had this misstep.  Rick is my HoH and my Daddy and I love him unconditionally, more than anything and I know we will weather this storm.

A Shaky Week and a Reset

This past week has been a trial to say the least.  Last Friday I went to work, exited the elevator on my floor and got to my desk just as a fairly large earthquake hit. Everyone dived under desks.  It was sizable and seemed to last a while.  Once the dust settled we emerged from under our desks and shared a collective nervous laugh.  We then went on line to check the magnitude etc and discovered the epicentre was about 40 kilometres away from us and that it had been shallow.  I can't remember the magnitude now.

Since then the quakes have not stopped and they are still continuing, although many not felt by us.  Sunday morning we were woken by a magnitude 5.5 quake. It's epicentre was the same location as previous and again, it was shallow.  This time we knew there would be aftershocks and Sunday evening it happened.  A magnitude 6.5 shake which was again shallow.  It was, I think the most frightening experience I have ever had.  It was awful and scary.  It seemed to go on for a while and felt as though it was intensifying in strength all the while.  By this time I was feeling the fear.  I couldn't, and still cant help but dwell on the fact that the bigger quakes seem to be getting bigger!

Monday morning came and the authorities asked people to stay out of the city so that buildings could be checked etc.  Public transport had also ground to a halt.  So, Monday was an enforced day at home.  Faced with this situation what is a girl to do?  That's right ... I figured since I couldn't go to work due to earthquakes, it would be a good time to jump on the small step ladder and clean the inside of some windows and wash the nets! LoL.  Oh shut up ... I know!  Not my finest hour.

Tuesday morning public transport had returned to normal and we were given the go ahead to re-enter our building.  With much trepidation about re-entering the city in case another quake should hit I went to my car to leave for work and ... Nothing! Dead battery!  This, I did not need on top of the stress and fear I was already feeling.  I made it to work and discovered there were no elevators in operation.

It was a nervous and stressful week for everyone and also having to use the stairs for the majority of the week added to the feeling of things not being normal, as well has having contractors around repairing minor damage.

On top of everything else, I was also stressing over an appointment I was meant to have last week that needed to be cancelled and still also worried whether my car battery would keep loosing charge on me or not.  Thankfully, so far it has been behaving since we charged it.

It was a strange week at work in many ways.  Everyone was still fearful and talking about the quake and it didn't help that they were continuing.  Most unnoticed by us but we kept feeling the ground move every now and then.  There were also other events which occurred which were unusual.  I also had to provide support and a shoulder to a colleague who was having a particularly tough day and became emotional.

All of this means that I have been feeling wrung out and scared.  I am still very fearful.  These quakes are continuing as I write.

Ok ... now that I've bored you with the vanilla details LOL I will get to the part of the story you came here for :)

I have been feeling like a tightly wound ball of emotion recently.  It feels as though my emotions are there bubbling under the surface waiting to spill over at any moment.  Thinking about it, I think I've been feeling like this since we heard of Bas' passing.  We have talked about this and also wonder whether it is attributable to the increased vulnerability that comes with this lifestyle.

Helping my colleague last week left me feeling emotional.  It was as though I was taking on her emotions.  Rick took me to lunch that day and we had a lovely time together.  I told him I felt silly for feeling so soppy.  Why am I like this etc.  He told me he loved that I had reached out to someone and that I had cared and what he saw was a very feminine woman who he loved.

Last night Rick decided after the trying week it was time to get back to normal. Role affirmation was therefore called for.  I responded with my usual try hard protest and was quickly sent to the bedroom to undress and kneel waiting for him.

Rick came into the room, walked over to me and started stroking my hair.  He told me how he loves my submission to him and that I belong to him etc.  He then stood me up, stepped back and looked at me.  After gesturing for me to turn around, whereupon he landed a couple of swats for good measure, he told me he was inspecting what was his, and that he liked what he saw.

Hmm, lets weigh you

WTF?  No way!! (I didn't actually say this of course.  I'm not that stupid!)

Where are the scales

He retrieved the scales put them in front of me and told me to hop on.

Lets put an end to this nonsense

I have been complaining for a while that I feel that I have been bad with snacking and not eating as healthily this year and that I was putting on weight.  Well, according to the scales ... no extra pounds .. yippee!  I thought that was a very brave move on his part.  I it could have gone either way!  I told him so afterwards and said You must have been fairly sure of the outcome.  He teased me that had if have gone the other way he would have lied, but then that yes he had been sure.  He knows what he sees.

There.  I don't want to hear anymore of this nonsense

After that he led me to the bed and gently pushed me down.

Right.  Lets turn that pretty little bottom pink

With that he retrieved the leather paddle.  I don't know what it is with this paddle but for some reason I don't seem to tolerate it like I used to.  He started with hard swats straight away.  It didn't take long before tears were threatening.  He paused and gently said "tears are good" before resuming another set. In short order the tears stated.  He stretched out next to me

Tears are good.  Let it out baby girl.  That's it

With that the tears really started and he threw down the paddle and rubbed my back.  All the while encouraging me to cry it out.  He then pulled me onto his lap and cradled and shushed me.

I'm scared Daddy

I know baby.  What?  Bas?  Earthquakes?

Earthquakes I think.  I dunno

I'm here baby

The spanking was very quick.  I think we both knew that it wouldn't take much for my emotions to spill over.  The time on his lap talking afterwards was wonderful and intimate.  He told me that his aim had been to get me to release some of the emotion and we did some more talking.  We don't spank for stress release or relief. Although this was essentially for role affirmation, I think it was also our first release spanking.

To those of you on contacted me over the last week via email or chat.  I would like to thank you for the bottom of my heart.  Knowing you were thinking of us and your well wishes meant so much and was a great comfort to me.