Finding Our Way Back Part 2 ... Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I posted part 1 a couple of weeks ago and apologise for the delay in getting around to part 2.

As I mentioned in the previous post, Rick had asked me for my submission again and I said no, because I wasn't convinced he was truly ready to don his HoH hat again.  I thought he may have been doing it for me, in response to me telling him that I missed the connection we had and was afraid of loosing 'us'.  A couple of very good and very wise friends told me I should have trusted his motives for wanting to re-start DD and that he wouldn't have broached the subject unless he truly was ready.  They were right of course and I think I knew it deep down inside, yet, I still said no.

I think Rick was somewhat stunned and confused by my response, especially after what I had told him earlier.  To be honest, I think I was stunned and confused as well at the time!  He said it was OK, he was completely fine about it if I wasn't ready and that there was no rush.  I didn't know quite how to take that.  Do you want to resume DD or don't you?

Then commenced the dance.  For the next couple of weeks we discussed resuming DD off and on.  I would dither  and he would reiterate that there was no rush.  This carried on for a while even after I said I felt that I may be ready.  It was a game of will we, won't we, maybe and it left me feeling confused for the most part.  I was still unsure myself and I was also unsure as to whether it was what he really wanted given that he kept saying there was no rush.

Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing?  I now realise that he recognised that I wasn't ready and wasn't going to force the issue as both partners have to be on board and fully committed in order for DD to work.  In fact, he has always said if at any point it isn't working for one of us then we stop.

I stopped telling him I thought I was ready to restart and starting telling him I was ready.  For a period however, we both kept insisting there was no rush.  I know ... maddening ... not to mention confusing!  

Eventually after some very nice bedroom time during which I have to say we both played our Dominant/submissive roles quite nicely (but I digress :) Rick simply stated the rules were henceforth reinstated.

So ... that was the (rather messy) path to re-starting DD. How have we been doing since?  I know you're dying for me to tell you!

Well, in my previous post I said it feels like we are back at the beginning ... only not.  What I mean by that is that it feels as though the process is very similar to when we began.  We are taking things very slowly and just letting things evolve.

Writing lines last weekend was the first punishment Rick has given me since re-starting.  Prior to that he would talk to me about any issues, rule breaking etc and give me a lecture and a warning.  I know he was giving me space to get back into a submissive mindset.  He told me as much.  That is very much how it was when we first incorporated Dd.  We also haven't reinstated role affirmation, although he is now planning to .... more on that later.

Where it differs is that we are slowly re-introducing things, like role affirmation, that were present previously.  They are no longer 'firsts".  We haven't introduced anything new into our dynamic and none of the rules have been altered.  I think at the moment Rick's focus is on reintroducing what was in place before the hiatus. 

Rick is definitely settling back into his role and becoming more and more comfortable wearing his HoH hat.  As for me, I'm struggling.  As much as I crave and need this lifestyle, I am struggling to play my part.  To obey his instructions and follow our rules.  Last weekend was obviously the last straw for him, hence the lines.

I would love to say that after that I found my submissive self again.  Over the last week there have been a few slip ups, including failing to follow bedtime instructions again just a couple of nights later and breaking my rule of not playing with the phone in bed.  

I am fortunate that I have not been punished again. However, Rick did give me a firm lecture the other day.  His view is that sometimes a lecture on its own is enough of a consequence, and it definitely can be enough for me.  I think I have mentioned before that lecturing is something he has never struggled with from the very beginning.

Anyway, during this particular lecture he told me I have to play my part as well and that he thought I wanted to submit to him and that he wants me to because I want to rather than have to (so to speak).  When I tried to reassure him I do want to he looked me in the eye and said "actions speak louder than words".  Yeah, ouch! He is of course right.  It takes both of us to participate, it doesn't work one sided. We need to support and encourage each other and I am afraid me not doing my part may knock his confidence again.

He also told me I needed a 'good' role affirmation session. Eeek!  It is yet to happen but will be soon.  I'll be honest and say I'm nervous about that because it has been so long. I still struggle somewhat with being naked and kneeling, although I understand why he insists on it and agree with his reasons.  I could really do with your support and encouragement.  I don't want it, yet I do.  I know it is what I need and relish the feelings and connection afterwards.  

He has no idea how effective that lecture was.  I have been pondering his words ever since and have also been chatting to a few friends who have been invaluable in helping me process things.  Thank you so much for your amazing support and advice.

I feel as though I am now finally starting to regain my submissive mindset.  I think I'm simply struggling to readjust after the freedom I had during the hiatus.  I admit, I was torn about giving that freedom up when Rick first said he was ready to reinstate DD, yet I know it is what I want and need. I do think that I need to feel his dominance and for him to be stricter with me right now.

So, that is where we are at the moment.  Two years into this dynamic and it feels as though we are at the beginning in some ways and in other ways not. It feels that way but in reality, I know we are evolving.

Speaking of change, I thought I would highlight some of the changes we have experienced over the last two years.

We communicate more

We communicate better

We listen more

We laugh more

We touch more

We are more affectionate with each other

We speak to each other respectfully and respect each other's point of view

We are both more confident.  This is particularly true of Rick and he is also more confident in other areas of life such as his career

We argue less

We distance less

and best of all ... we love more

We have seen some amazing benefits both as individuals and as a couple and, although I may be struggling a little right now, there is no way I want to go back to life before DD.