Two Years and Finding Our Way Back

I know what I want.  You can give me the gift of your submission.

No.

Wait a minute ... what??

This was a conversation we had about a month back. We were talking about Rick's upcoming birthday.

It has now been two years since we introduced DD into our relationship.  Two years and it feels as though we are back at the start when we first introduced it ... or not.  Make sense? No?  Ok then.

If you follow here you will probably know that we put our dynamic on hold a while ago.  We had hit a brick wall.  Trust had been broken between us and Rick had lost confidence in himself as HoH and no longer felt he had the right to lead our relationship.  This hiatus was to allow us time to rebuild that trust, confidence and reconnect without the pressure of DD and to concentrate on just being 'us' for a while.

It seems that taking a break is not uncommon and it seems many couples do, from time to time take DD 'breathers'.  I think we all have times when we need to take a step back and take some time to think things through.  Evaluate what is and what isn't working.

We fully intended to resume at some point.  Well, as I alluded to in my previous post, that point is now.  We have now reintroduced DD into or relationship.

The hiatus has been ... interesting.  It gave us a chance to see what DD has done for us as a couple and as individuals. Our basic structure remained however specific rules, consequences and role affirmation were off the table.

Since introducing DD we communicate much better and on a deeper level and are more aware and accommodating of each others thoughts, feelings and needs. It has also brought a much deeper level of intimacy and connection that I never thought was possible.  Simply put, a whole new way of interacting and a much greater level of intimacy. Speaking of ... did I mention the changes in the bedroom? Oh, I didn't?  Oh well, never mind :)

During the hiatus I tried to keep to the rules, even though they weren't being enforced, because they are things that are important to both of us.  For a while I wasn't doing too badly (I hope think Rick would agree with me!) but over time I started letting them slip further and further.  This disappoints me because the fact is, I want and desire to submit to Rick.

Why then should I need the rules to be enforced in order to obey them?   I should be able to submit without the threat of consequences because I want to.  Right?  Sadly, that wasn't exactly what happened.  I need to feel his dominance, that he is leading us and that he has me in order to fully submit.  I guess it's true, dominance and submission really do feed off each other.

I may have slipped to a degree on adhering to the rules, however the way we interacted remained the same.  We continued to treat each other with mutual respect and communicated well.  I think a lot of changes that have occurred in our relationship over the last two years would remain, even if we never fully went back to DD.  It's just who we are now.

Over time I started to regain the trust I had lost and it was becoming increasingly obvious that Rick was regaining his confidence.  All throughout our hiatus he would 'suggest' things.  What he thought I should do in any particular situation etc, but then say it's up to me. That was so foreign to me and it must have felt the same to him.  It took a while to get used to not being 'told' and not asking permission for certain things, or to undertake certain activities.

It was a huge period of adjustment for both of us.  I have to say I began to enjoy the freedom of having no rules. Perhaps a little too much!  Being able to please myself, go where I wanted, when I wanted, buy what I wanted etc.

But

I no longer felt safe and secure or as connected to Rick.  I really missed the structure and level of intimacy and connection that DD somehow seems to provide.  I didn't feel as cared for, even though I knew he didn't love me any less than he had before our hiatus.

Now ... back to the beginning of this post ... about a month ago Rick asked for my submission again and I said no.  Why on earth did I do that?  I want this lifestyle, I love that he leads our relationship.  I find ultimately deferring decisions to him and feeling cared for and protected at the same time freeing.

It had been obvious for a while before Rick asked for my submission again that he was feeling a lot more confident in himself and that he was beginning to feel ready to once again don his HoH hat.

A few days before he asked I shared that I felt we weren't as connected and that I was afraid of loosing 'us'.  Therefore, when he asked for my submission again, I wasn't sure if it was really what he wanted or whether he was doing it for me, because of what I had said to him.  I didn't trust that he was truly ready himself to come back to DD.

So, I said no and told him it was because I wasn't sure he was truly ready.  In hindsight, I know I should have trusted his motives at the time and that he wouldn't suggest re-starting DD unless he truly felt ready.

I confess I was also conflicted at the time.  Yes, I am thankful that we embarked on this lifestyle and wouldn't want to go back.  But, I had also become somewhat independent and, as I mentioned earlier, was enjoying the freedom.  I told him as well as not being sure he was truly ready that I wasn't sure whether I was ready.

To be continued ...