Monday, 1 October 2012

Rules and Consequences - A Question

I've been pondering - I do that sometimes you know.

Love them or loath them, in most DD relationships there are rules or guidelines to follow and consequences for not following said rules.  Some couples have written rules, some don't and some may not have any specific rules.

When it comes to consequences, some couples have a set consequence for breaking each particular rule and for others, the HoH determines what consequence (if any) is appropriate each time a rule is broken.

We don't have set consequences for each rule and my husband has an artillery of, deploys  uses a range of consequences.  He considers each rule infraction taking into account the circumstances surrounding the infraction.  Why the rule was broken, were there any factors outside of my control etc then determines the appropriate consequence.  As a result, I have faced different consequences for breaking the same rule on different occasions.  I have been spanked on one occasion and given lines on another for example.

I guess there are pros and cons to each approach. With set consequences there are no surprises, you know what the consequence will be if you break a particular rule.  (I know I have had the occasional surprise).  Of course, having set consequences doesn't preclude the HoH from taking a different action if he considers it to be more appropriate in the circumstances.

On the other hand, with no set consequences this could potentially lead to feelings of uncertainly or confusion.

Of course, most of us have a pretty good idea of what will get us spanked.  Don't ask me how, we just know these things don't we? - we're smart like that.

Personally, I'm not sure which approach I prefer and I thought it would be interesting to get your views.

Do you have set consequences for each rule?

Do you think having set or discretionary consequences would work better for you?

Ok, now that's the serious stuff out of the way I think I will spice things up just a little - just for you Lillie :)

Last night my husband and I 'connected' in the most delightful way - I'll leave the rest to your imagination!

Today I said something to him about last night and he replied you seemed to be enjoying it.  You sure were moaning a lot - in different ways.

Hmm, I replied rubbing my booty - He certainly had some fun with the paddle last night!


  1. Glad you had fun last night. :)

    I used to like the set consequences. As we were learning how Dd worked for us, it was easier to know what would happen and helped both of us a lot. Things have changed though and now my husband acts more like yours. He's confident in his abilities much of the time and is slowly learning to change things up based on the circumstances. I like it this way...keeps me on my toes.

    1. Hi Susie, I think I like it this way too, it does keep us on our toes and also stops us 'taking the punt' and weighing up whether the consequence we know will happen is worth doing it anyway.

      It does sound like a good idea to have set consequences in the beginning though. I can see how this would be beneficial.

  2. Awww, Roz thanks for thinking of me. There was certainly no canoodling at my place, as Ian was still cranky and sick.
    Ian has a set of rules and only uses spanking for punishment. Although, I have been told to go and lay down for a half hour or hour without receiving a spanking, and sometimes that is enough to snap me out of it, sometimes not and then he spanks.
    What concerns me is that Ian keeps adding to the list of rules. He is sometimes a little too enthusiastic about this HoH thing......
    In my case that doesn't lead to feelings of uncertainty, but I can see how some wives might feel that way. I can be certain that if I am called out on something - I am going to get it. :(

    1. Hi Lillie - you are welcome. After your 'granny' post I just had to spice my blog up just a little Lol :)

      I haven't been sent to have a lie down yet - not sure how I would react to that. I can relate to adding to the list of rules - argh! It doesn't lead to feelings of uncertainty for me either, but it does give me that oh great - something else to get me spanked feeling Lol

  3. Hi Roz :) Well, we really don't have a formal list of rules. We follow the 4 D's. Disrespect, disobedience, deceit and danger. Behavior that falls under any of those will (most likely) get me spanked! You're right, I do tend to just know instinctively when I've crossed that invisible line! So far, the only other punishments I've had are being grounded from blogland and an attempt at standing in the corner. Fortunately, Blue isn't rigid, usually, in his decisions and will consider all the circumstances before making up his mind. He has become very firm though once he has made up his mind!

    Glad you enjoyed yourself last night! I love *connecting* too ;)

    1. Hi CG, the 4 d's are pretty wide aren't they? It's amazing just what actions can fall under one of those and end you in trouble!

      Isn't it funny how we just know when we've crossed the line. If only knowing would stop us from doing or saying it in the first place sometimes eh? :)

  4. The objection I've heard to set consequences is that it becomes a calculation game. On both sides. On your side...I really want to do X but it will mean Y punishment. Is it worth it? Depending on your mindset, knowing exactly what price you'll pay may mean you choose to do it anyway.

    On the other side, then it can become a calculation game for him, too. How far does he have to raise the stakes to be effective as a deterrent ahead of time? Then if you actually do it, is he really going to go through with all of it? Sometimes that can end up being a lot more severe than he really wants.

    Plus, if you are anything like me having a rule just means I will push it anyway. ;)

    1. Hi Ana,

      Thank you for your comment. You make a really good point and I agree, having set consequences could absolutely lead to playing a game of "russian roulette" sometimes.

      It can be tempting at times without set consequences to weigh up any likely consequence and consider whether it would be worth doing anyway, when there is something you badly want/want to do that you know he wouldn't agree with or allow.

  5. I don't have a list of rules. I KNOW what will get me in trouble! We have talked about things that are not acceptable. The biggest things that get me in trouble tend to be my attitude, shutting down/not talking, and not doing something he has asked me to do. I don't know what punishment he will use ahead of is kind of a calculated risk to misbehave around here ;) He has spanked me, put me in the corner (grrrrr), and taken away my computer.

    I think we are taking another step forward, because I got called out on how I spoke to him in public. *sigh* I think I am about to hit another learning curve.

    1. Hi Lucy, the specific rules can sometimes be really hard to follow and breaking them is the main thing that gets me in trouble, along with attitude.

      I agree with you on corner time - grrr

      Funny how we instinctively know what will get us in trouble isn't it :)

  6. When we first started to incorporate DD into our relationship we had set consequences. Now, not so much. But, like you said, I have a pretty good idea what will get my spanked...yup, I'm smart like that. lol I think it was helpful for both of us at the beginning to have guidelines and the consequences for breaking them all laid out. Now it's not needed as much as I pretty much know what's going to get me in trouble and just how much trouble and what's not. ;)

    1. Hi Grace, Welcome and thank you for your comment.

      We have never had set consequences, but I can definitely see how they can be helpful in the beginning while you are adjusting to this new lifestyle and learning you roles within it.

      We DD wives are smart aren't we, somehow, we just know what will get us in trouble. If only that knowledge would kick in before we do or say that thing that ends us in trouble sometimes eh :)

  7. We have written rules, and unwritten rules too...but the consequences are not "set" exactly. That is, I know for certain I'll get a spanking but he decides the rest..I.never know implement etc.

    Its definitely not predictable..he keeps me guessing.

    1. Hi Stormy, We have set rules, but don't have them written down. My husband uses a range of consequences and I never know what consequence I will face (although I usually know when I am facing a spanking). He always takes into account the circumstances surrounding any infraction and takes what he considers the appropriate action given the circumstances.

      I think I prefer it this way, it certainly keeps me on my toes!