Sunday, 28 October 2012

My Thoughts On Submission

Lillie had a recent post on submission.  Where it comes from and what we can do to help retain it or re-gain it when we just aren't feeling it.  This post got me thinking so I decided to share my own thoughts on the subject.

There is a difference between acting submissively and feeling submissive.  I believe it is possible to act submissively without actually feeling submissive, but this isn't true submission that comes from deep within.  Having said that though, I do believe that by acting submissively this can lead to actually 'feeling it'.  Fake it till you make it (so to speak).

So where does submission come from, and how do we retain it?  Well, to me there are a lot of things that come into play here and I have listed these below: 

What the HoH can do

I've read recent comments that submission comes from the HoH's spanking hand.  These comments may have, at least partly, been in jest but I think there is some truth to this.  Spanking is, after all, a highly intimate act and there is no greater show of dominance and submission.

There are a lot of things the HoH can do to help us find and retain submission.  I believe it is the duty of the HoH to do all he can to assist his wife in reaching her goal of submission.

There were a lot of good ideas in Lillie's post and in the comments.  For example, a piece of jewellery that must be worn at all times as a symbol of his dominance.  Also, by simply exerting his authority in different ways constantly.

Of course, consistency from the HoH is crucial in enforcing rules and desired behaviours.  Without consistency the incentive to let him lead, and indeed to encourage him to lead is diminished.

As I mentioned above, it is possible to act submissively without feeling submissive.  Ultimately though, true submission is a gift and must come from within.  It cannot be demanded or 'forced'

A domestic discipline relationship is like a dance, the more dominance exhibited by our husband, the more submissive we feel and vice versa.

Obedience and respect

I think there is an important tie-in between obedience, treating your husband (and others) with respect and submission.  By following the rules of the household and other expectations on us from time to time, we are not only playing our part within the Dd dynamic, it in itself is also an act of our submission.  This in turn leads to us feeling more submissive.

Now, of course, this is a tricky one.  Obedience and submission go hand in hand and feed off each other.  At times when we aren't feeling it, it's not easy to obey, particularly if the HoH is not consistent with enforcing the rules.  It is too easy for thoughts like "why should I bother" to creep in.

This is an area where I think couples early in a Dd relationship sometimes struggle.  It takes time to adjust to having rules and to consistently follow them.  It also takes a new HoH time to become comfortable in his role and to enforce the rules in a consistent manner.

Obedience and respect are two of the corner stones of a Dd relationship.  When submission takes a hike I think it is important to remember this.  Also recognise that by disobedience you are letting both yourself and your husband down.  Remember too that such actions lead to unpleasant consequences.

I have singled out obedience and respect here as I think they are the aspects of a Dd relationship that crop up most often.  Of course, the same applies to dishonesty and dangerous behaviour.  Some couples also include distancing as an element to their relationship.


I believe there is a strong tie-in between our femininity and our submission.  When we feel feminine we are more yielding, feel more vulnerable and therefore less likely to become bolshy, bossy or try to take control away from our husband.

Doing things that make you feel feminine (wearing feminine clothing for example) can produce feelings of submissiveness.


Giving our husband consent to lead us and bear ultimate responsibility for the entire family, and to use discipline to enforce rules/expected behaviours takes a great deal of trust.  It also makes us extremely vulnerable.  Until such time as we put complete trust in our husband, I think it is impossible to become truly submissive and embrace the vulnerability that arises from submission.

This trust has to develop over time.  This is another area where I think couples new to this lifestyle may struggle.  It takes time for both partners to adjust to the lifestyle and their individual roles within it.   With patience and perhaps a little trial and error this trust slowly develops.

Having said all the above, what about me?  Am I always submissive to my husband?  No.
Do I follow every rule and carry out every instruction he issues 24/7? No (just ask my husband!).  In fact, I was spanked just the other night for not completing an assigned task and (cringing here) for getting to bed later than the time I was given a few nights ago (again!).

Submission takes time to cultivate and a great deal of effort to maintain.


  1. Roz, I think you are closer then you think. Very good thoughts on submission here. It is a gift and it has to come from the heart (I think). Your ending statement is so true. Good thoughts here.

    1. Hi SNP. Thank you very much for your kind words. I really appreciate it.

      I do believe true submission has to come from within. From the heart. It is an ongoing effort. More so at some times than others! :)

  2. Really thoughtful post, Roz. I've been thinking a lot lately about submission as well -- what is submission, what isn't, how to show it, when is it strongest?, etc. It's a hard thing to master!

    1. Hi Riley, Thank you very much for your kind words. It certainly is a hard thing to master isn't it - and more difficult to maintain at times! Lol :)

  3. Great post, Roz! I think you nailed it on the "trust" aspect for sure! I could never submit to Steven if I didn't trust him completely.
    Thanks for your thoughts. It's giving me a lot to think about as well.

    1. Thank you Emma, I really appreciate your comment. I hope you found it helpful, at least in some way.

      I don't think it is possible to truly be submissive until such time as we have complete trust in our husband - and that takes time to cultivate. This is an area I do think couples new to Dd struggle with until such time as trust has been developed.

  4. I also agree with acting the way you want to behave. It isn't always easy to smile and act with grace. I think about how we tell kids to always choose the high rode. Sometimes they say what we want them to say even if they don't want to. So even when it is hard we try to act a certain way.

    Good thoughts you brought up.

    Not sure if you get what I mean.

    1. Hi Minelle, thank you, I appreciate your comment.

      I do think that acting submissively on it's own can help you to actually feel submissive in your heart. I know it has worked for me. I find simply doing things for him can soften my heart when I'm not really 'feeling it' initially. Hard as it is to do at times.

  5. Hi Roz,
    I loved your post. What seemed to me to be quite a simple concept in the beginning of Dd, quickly became very complicated and fraught with emotion.
    Submission for me is a physical feeling. I can identify that feeling in my body, and Ian swears that I move differently and talk differently, softer. I feel lighter.
    Submission is also an emotional state. My frame of mind being true is very important to reaching and maintaining submission.
    And you are quite right, you can act submissively without actually feeling submission and I always think I am fooling Ian and I never am. He always knows.
    I really appreciated your section on trust. It was a big issue for Ian after he punished once in anger, and he kept bringing it up again and again. So, I think it goes both ways, we must trust and they are charged with earning it.
    Fantastic post, Roz.
    love ya

    1. Hi Lillie, well thank you kindly, I appreciate your comment - I always do :) I hope you found it at least a little helpful and not just me rambling Lol

      Submission is tricky and messy isn't it. I entirely agree with you. it is a physical thing for me too and Rick says similar to Ian. He says I ooze femininity Lol

      Frame of mind also dictates whether you feel submissive or not. I can't fool Rick either, he knows when I'm not really in the submissive mind set.

      Trust is a vital component. Along with submission comes a great deal of vulnerability. I think we can only truly make ourselves that vulnerable when we have complete trust in our husband.

      Lova ya back :)

  6. Fake it 'til you make it- has always been a mantra of mine- Long before this journey we've embarked on. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be applying it THIS way.

    The feminity thing really stands out for me. When I struggle, mostly because we are still at such a confusing stage of our relationship in ttwd, I try to remember to prep myself. To be pretty. My mom used to say that when my older siblings were younger, in the 50s that every night before my dad came home from work she would run around, pick up toys, get changed out of her 'work' close into something pretty, and wait for him. I try to remember that, even in my worst moods. It gets easier the more times I see Barney's face light up when I great him at the door.

    I agree it is physical. I feel so much lighter, and 'right' in submission. Being bossy is so heavy! I hate it. That doesn't mean it is not my throw back emotion/action though when I am hurt. It is still such a stuggle.

    Great post Roz.


  7. oops Greet him at the door! I mean I know I'm pretty darn good, but I'm not great! lol

    1. Hi Wilma, thank you very much, glad you liked the post :)

      I do think that if we continue to 'act' submissive, even when we don't feel it, it eventually get into the right mind set. Of course, that's not always easy to do. it sounds like you are doing 'great' Lol

      When we are in the right mind set it just feels so right doesn't it? It also depends very much on your frame of mind. If you are stressed, frustrated etc, it's dang hard to feel submissive, and that's when old behaviours sometimes back to bite us in the butt (pun intended) Lol.

      I think too that our femininity plays a big part. The more feminine we fell, the softer and more vulnerable we are.

      It is very hard to maintain constantly.

  8. Yep, defining submission - not so hard. Describing it, saying what it looks like, how it feels, what elicits it - tricky, varying, elusive.

    Something I find interesting is that apparently many men don't seem to recognize submission/submissive behavior in their partners until it is pointed out to them. They just notice things are a little nicer, a bit less stressful. I wonder why that is? I think they could call it in a scenario of strangers, or coworker behavior, X-rated movies. Has society driven it so far from the realm of reality that it is unrecognizable close up, in personal relationships?

    I've been pondering on this entire phenomenon about submissive/dominant traits and behaviors, and individual perception versus socially acceptable behavior, and...

    Okay, enough. This is your blog, Roz! Thanks for sharing your soul searching and summing up some of it for it.


    P.S. Is blogger behaving badly today?

    1. Hi Irishey, thank you very much for your comment. You raise some very interesting points and I appreciate it. Perhaps these men just appreciate the fact that life with their partner is a little 'easier' and decide not to question it?

      I think it is perhaps fairly common for one partner to be submissive to the other in many relationships, but not in the Dd sense.

      It's funny isn't it. What is 'acceptable' within general society v what individual couples practice in private. I suspect there is a lot more people practicing D/s relationships in one form or another than we think. Yet, it is kept private. Whereas in the 'old days' it was more the general norm that the man 'wore the pants', so to speak.

  9. This is wonderful Roz - I'm showing it to Jack.
    Funny how many of us think the same thoughts!
    I appreciate what you wrote - saves me the time and effort!
    I agree, there are many more who live this lifestyle than we know about. Some don't even call it Dd - it is just the natural order of things. Men lead, women submit and obey.
    There is nothing wrong with that. It is a recipe for a house of harmony and love.
    Jack's Jill