I Like You In Pink

This past weekend was labour weekend here.  A nice long weekend plus I also took Tuesday (yesterday) off work.

It was a great weekend and we were blessed with lovely spring weather.  The weather can be fickle this time of year and it is notorious for strong gale winds which ruins an otherwise nice day.  This weekend, even the wind abated. We spent the afternoons taking drives, visiting the odd shop, cafes etc. Just spending time together. It was nice.

Saturday night Rick decided a return to role affirmation was in order.  This was the first since reintroducing DD due to circumstances and if you read the previous couple of posts, you know I have been nervous and anxious at the thought of re-starting RA.

I hadn't been spanked for so long I was worried as to how I would handle it.  Erotic spanking hadn't occurred much either during our hiatus.  I guess were just weren't in the right mind set.  Not feeling our Dom/submissive roles.

Anyway, I'm not sure Rick intended it to happen this way, but we were joking around together on the couch and next thing I found myself over his lap.  I have no idea how that happened ??!  He started swatting my bottom alternating the swats with rubbing.  It wasn't hard, in fact, I was quite enjoying myself :)  After a while he stood me up, pulled my jeans down and took me back over his knee.

Ooh - I like these!

Giggle

Very nice!  Sexy

The fancy knickers distracted him for a while.  He rubbed my bottom while he admired the view.  Then the spanks began. The swats weren't hard and I was continuing to rather enjoy myself.  It felt like I was home.  It just felt right.

God I've missed your bottom .... so fresh, so smooth, pristine

Giggle

I like you in pink

You do look good in pink, I especially like your bottom pink.  A nice rosy glow.  Blog that!

He only used his hand and went fairly easy on me.  In fact it was more of an erotic spanking.  No naked kneeling! ... until later that is (more on that later).  Although the spanking was more erotic, he continued throughout to tell me I am his, that he wants and expects my submission.

After he finished spanking he gently moved me to kneel in front on him, whereupon he unzipped his jeans and proceeded to keep my mouth busy.

Good girl

Thank you Daddy - he knew what I meant 

A gentle reintroduction.  Now let's think about some dinner  simple as that!

Later ...

Rick obviously decided I had had enough of a gentle reintroduction to spanking

Take everything off except bra and knickers  

After some hesitation I complied

On your hands and knees

He then proceeded to reacquaint me with all his favourite implements and preceded each implement with  "remember this"? ... Uh, yeah.  How could I forget?  I can tell you it hurts so much more when you haven't been spanked for a while! At one point he took a break from spanking and asked what the fuss was.  "You're out of practice".  Sheesh!

Apparently he then decided it would be a good time to also to get me back in practice with the clothes pegs.  I'm afraid to say I freaked.  Those damn things hurt, especially when they come off!  I balked and tried to squirm away.  No, no. He wasn't having any of that, he attached the first peg to my nipple and told me to breathe.  He gave me time to adjust before producing the second peg.  I balked again but on it went. 

I guess you could say I have been reacquainted with spanking and role affirmation.  This was a good step for us in getting back on track.  I'm grateful it was a gentle reintroduction.  Well, to start with at least!

Thursday Smiles :)

I need to finish replying to the comments on my previous post.  I promise I will get onto it.  Thank you all so much for your wonderful and encouraging comments.

In the meantime, I received these and couldn't resist sharing.  Hope they bring a smile to you as they did to me. Enjoy :)

Finding Our Way Back Part 2 ... Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I posted part 1 a couple of weeks ago and apologise for the delay in getting around to part 2.

As I mentioned in the previous post, Rick had asked me for my submission again and I said no, because I wasn't convinced he was truly ready to don his HoH hat again.  I thought he may have been doing it for me, in response to me telling him that I missed the connection we had and was afraid of loosing 'us'.  A couple of very good and very wise friends told me I should have trusted his motives for wanting to re-start DD and that he wouldn't have broached the subject unless he truly was ready.  They were right of course and I think I knew it deep down inside, yet, I still said no.

I think Rick was somewhat stunned and confused by my response, especially after what I had told him earlier.  To be honest, I think I was stunned and confused as well at the time!  He said it was OK, he was completely fine about it if I wasn't ready and that there was no rush.  I didn't know quite how to take that.  Do you want to resume DD or don't you?

Then commenced the dance.  For the next couple of weeks we discussed resuming DD off and on.  I would dither  and he would reiterate that there was no rush.  This carried on for a while even after I said I felt that I may be ready.  It was a game of will we, won't we, maybe and it left me feeling confused for the most part.  I was still unsure myself and I was also unsure as to whether it was what he really wanted given that he kept saying there was no rush.

Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing?  I now realise that he recognised that I wasn't ready and wasn't going to force the issue as both partners have to be on board and fully committed in order for DD to work.  In fact, he has always said if at any point it isn't working for one of us then we stop.

I stopped telling him I thought I was ready to restart and starting telling him I was ready.  For a period however, we both kept insisting there was no rush.  I know ... maddening ... not to mention confusing!  

Eventually after some very nice bedroom time during which I have to say we both played our Dominant/submissive roles quite nicely (but I digress :) Rick simply stated the rules were henceforth reinstated.

So ... that was the (rather messy) path to re-starting DD. How have we been doing since?  I know you're dying for me to tell you!

Well, in my previous post I said it feels like we are back at the beginning ... only not.  What I mean by that is that it feels as though the process is very similar to when we began.  We are taking things very slowly and just letting things evolve.

Writing lines last weekend was the first punishment Rick has given me since re-starting.  Prior to that he would talk to me about any issues, rule breaking etc and give me a lecture and a warning.  I know he was giving me space to get back into a submissive mindset.  He told me as much.  That is very much how it was when we first incorporated Dd.  We also haven't reinstated role affirmation, although he is now planning to .... more on that later.

Where it differs is that we are slowly re-introducing things, like role affirmation, that were present previously.  They are no longer 'firsts".  We haven't introduced anything new into our dynamic and none of the rules have been altered.  I think at the moment Rick's focus is on reintroducing what was in place before the hiatus. 

Rick is definitely settling back into his role and becoming more and more comfortable wearing his HoH hat.  As for me, I'm struggling.  As much as I crave and need this lifestyle, I am struggling to play my part.  To obey his instructions and follow our rules.  Last weekend was obviously the last straw for him, hence the lines.

I would love to say that after that I found my submissive self again.  Over the last week there have been a few slip ups, including failing to follow bedtime instructions again just a couple of nights later and breaking my rule of not playing with the phone in bed.  

I am fortunate that I have not been punished again. However, Rick did give me a firm lecture the other day.  His view is that sometimes a lecture on its own is enough of a consequence, and it definitely can be enough for me.  I think I have mentioned before that lecturing is something he has never struggled with from the very beginning.

Anyway, during this particular lecture he told me I have to play my part as well and that he thought I wanted to submit to him and that he wants me to because I want to rather than have to (so to speak).  When I tried to reassure him I do want to he looked me in the eye and said "actions speak louder than words".  Yeah, ouch! He is of course right.  It takes both of us to participate, it doesn't work one sided. We need to support and encourage each other and I am afraid me not doing my part may knock his confidence again.

He also told me I needed a 'good' role affirmation session. Eeek!  It is yet to happen but will be soon.  I'll be honest and say I'm nervous about that because it has been so long. I still struggle somewhat with being naked and kneeling, although I understand why he insists on it and agree with his reasons.  I could really do with your support and encouragement.  I don't want it, yet I do.  I know it is what I need and relish the feelings and connection afterwards.  

He has no idea how effective that lecture was.  I have been pondering his words ever since and have also been chatting to a few friends who have been invaluable in helping me process things.  Thank you so much for your amazing support and advice.

I feel as though I am now finally starting to regain my submissive mindset.  I think I'm simply struggling to readjust after the freedom I had during the hiatus.  I admit, I was torn about giving that freedom up when Rick first said he was ready to reinstate DD, yet I know it is what I want and need. I do think that I need to feel his dominance and for him to be stricter with me right now.

So, that is where we are at the moment.  Two years into this dynamic and it feels as though we are at the beginning in some ways and in other ways not. It feels that way but in reality, I know we are evolving.

Speaking of change, I thought I would highlight some of the changes we have experienced over the last two years.

We communicate more

We communicate better

We listen more

We laugh more

We touch more

We are more affectionate with each other

We speak to each other respectfully and respect each other's point of view

We are both more confident.  This is particularly true of Rick and he is also more confident in other areas of life such as his career

We argue less

We distance less

and best of all ... we love more

We have seen some amazing benefits both as individuals and as a couple and, although I may be struggling a little right now, there is no way I want to go back to life before DD.

Happy Thanksgiving Canada!

To all our Canadian friends, Rick and I would like to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving weekend.  We hope you have a wonderful weekend with friends and family and enjoy the celebrations.

I couldn't resist this cute little picture of domestic harmony.  I think her halo must be away being polished :)

Although we don't celebrate thanksgiving, it is an opportunity for us also to reflect on, and give thanks for our blessings. We are thankful for our blogland friends who provide us with such wonderful support, encouragement and advice.

I would also like to ask that you join me in sending hugs and prayers to our friend Betsy and family.  Betsy sadly lost her Mom today.  We are thinking of you at this time and sending our love and prayers.

The Return Of Consequences

I know I promised part 2 to my last post.  I will get to it, hopefully shortly but in the meantime I wanted to share my current predicament with you.

Since we reintroduced Dd, rules have been reinstated but so far have not been enforced.  There has been no accountability or consequences for not following them as such.  Should any rules be broken (or bent :), and I have to say there has been some of that, Rick has talked to me about the situation and issued warnings.  I think he has been giving me time and space to get my head back in the game.

Well, it seems that time is up.  

Last night he told me I could stay up ... but to be sensible. Well now, that's trouble right there!  What's your definition of 'sensible'?  Sadly, in the end it didn't matter because the time I finally crawled into bed was not what anybody could possibly consider sensible!

I choose my actions.  I chose to not follow Rick's instructions and in doing so I chose to accept any consequences.  What those consequences may or may not be is up to Rick to choose.  He trusted when issuing the instruction that I would carry it out and by not doing so I breached that trust.

Soo ... as it turns out, tonight I will spend my Saturday night writing lines.  Lines are one of his go-to punishments. Fortunately however, it doesn't happen too often.  Perhaps that's got something to do with my, obviously currently misplaced halo?  BTW, if you should happen to trip across it in your travels, please return it to me.  I hope it's not too damaged!  Oh, did I mention that this is an initial consequence?

Am I going to complain?  Well, much as I don't like lines (they truly suck!  They are time consuming, boring ... I could go on) ...  as I woman in a Dd relationship I accept that I will be held accountable for my actions.  It is what we have both agreed to.  Besides that though, I welcome being held accountable for my actions.  I thrive on Rick's leadership and am happy that he leads our relationship.  That he takes such great care of me and helps me to be the best that I can be.  I'm happy that he cares enough to hold me accountable.

It is a step in moving forward.  I'm getting my HoH back ... and that makes me happy.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find the writing pad and pen we keep around here for such occasions.  Oh, and the book we keep to record such occasions for posterity. 

BTW does anybody know of a cure for writers cramp?  Hope you have a much more exciting Saturday night than mine!

Two Years and Finding Our Way Back

I know what I want.  You can give me the gift of your submission.

No.

Wait a minute ... what??

This was a conversation we had about a month back. We were talking about Rick's upcoming birthday.

It has now been two years since we introduced DD into our relationship.  Two years and it feels as though we are back at the start when we first introduced it ... or not.  Make sense? No?  Ok then.

If you follow here you will probably know that we put our dynamic on hold a while ago.  We had hit a brick wall.  Trust had been broken between us and Rick had lost confidence in himself as HoH and no longer felt he had the right to lead our relationship.  This hiatus was to allow us time to rebuild that trust, confidence and reconnect without the pressure of DD and to concentrate on just being 'us' for a while.

It seems that taking a break is not uncommon and it seems many couples do, from time to time take DD 'breathers'.  I think we all have times when we need to take a step back and take some time to think things through.  Evaluate what is and what isn't working.

We fully intended to resume at some point.  Well, as I alluded to in my previous post, that point is now.  We have now reintroduced DD into or relationship.

The hiatus has been ... interesting.  It gave us a chance to see what DD has done for us as a couple and as individuals. Our basic structure remained however specific rules, consequences and role affirmation were off the table.

Since introducing DD we communicate much better and on a deeper level and are more aware and accommodating of each others thoughts, feelings and needs. It has also brought a much deeper level of intimacy and connection that I never thought was possible.  Simply put, a whole new way of interacting and a much greater level of intimacy. Speaking of ... did I mention the changes in the bedroom? Oh, I didn't?  Oh well, never mind :)

During the hiatus I tried to keep to the rules, even though they weren't being enforced, because they are things that are important to both of us.  For a while I wasn't doing too badly (I hope think Rick would agree with me!) but over time I started letting them slip further and further.  This disappoints me because the fact is, I want and desire to submit to Rick.

Why then should I need the rules to be enforced in order to obey them?   I should be able to submit without the threat of consequences because I want to.  Right?  Sadly, that wasn't exactly what happened.  I need to feel his dominance, that he is leading us and that he has me in order to fully submit.  I guess it's true, dominance and submission really do feed off each other.

I may have slipped to a degree on adhering to the rules, however the way we interacted remained the same.  We continued to treat each other with mutual respect and communicated well.  I think a lot of changes that have occurred in our relationship over the last two years would remain, even if we never fully went back to DD.  It's just who we are now.

Over time I started to regain the trust I had lost and it was becoming increasingly obvious that Rick was regaining his confidence.  All throughout our hiatus he would 'suggest' things.  What he thought I should do in any particular situation etc, but then say it's up to me. That was so foreign to me and it must have felt the same to him.  It took a while to get used to not being 'told' and not asking permission for certain things, or to undertake certain activities.

It was a huge period of adjustment for both of us.  I have to say I began to enjoy the freedom of having no rules. Perhaps a little too much!  Being able to please myself, go where I wanted, when I wanted, buy what I wanted etc.

But

I no longer felt safe and secure or as connected to Rick.  I really missed the structure and level of intimacy and connection that DD somehow seems to provide.  I didn't feel as cared for, even though I knew he didn't love me any less than he had before our hiatus.

Now ... back to the beginning of this post ... about a month ago Rick asked for my submission again and I said no.  Why on earth did I do that?  I want this lifestyle, I love that he leads our relationship.  I find ultimately deferring decisions to him and feeling cared for and protected at the same time freeing.

It had been obvious for a while before Rick asked for my submission again that he was feeling a lot more confident in himself and that he was beginning to feel ready to once again don his HoH hat.

A few days before he asked I shared that I felt we weren't as connected and that I was afraid of loosing 'us'.  Therefore, when he asked for my submission again, I wasn't sure if it was really what he wanted or whether he was doing it for me, because of what I had said to him.  I didn't trust that he was truly ready himself to come back to DD.

So, I said no and told him it was because I wasn't sure he was truly ready.  In hindsight, I know I should have trusted his motives at the time and that he wouldn't suggest re-starting DD unless he truly felt ready.

I confess I was also conflicted at the time.  Yes, I am thankful that we embarked on this lifestyle and wouldn't want to go back.  But, I had also become somewhat independent and, as I mentioned earlier, was enjoying the freedom.  I told him as well as not being sure he was truly ready that I wasn't sure whether I was ready.

To be continued ...