Sunday, 14 October 2012

Hurt, Forgiveness and Growth

The other day I messed up very badly.  I caused my husband a ton of unnecessary worry and anxiety about my safety and hurt him badly in the process.  I still feel sick about it.

I had to go to my parents and wouldn't be driving home again until after dark.  They live some distance away and getting to them involves having to negotiate a notoriously dangerous stretch of road.  My husband hates me driving to and from my parents alone and always worries when I do.  I know this.

Whenever I am going to be driving anywhere, if he is not home when I leave or home when I return he expects me to text him when I leave home and when I arrive at my destination and vice versa when I return home.  When it is my parents I am going to, he is even more adamant about it.

Well, I did text him to tell him I was leaving my parents to return home, but didn't text when I got home.  Since it was dark, my Mother was also worried about me driving back home and had asked me to ring her when I got home so that she knew I was safe.  This I did, but I failed to text Rick.  It was fairly late when I arrived home and there were pets to be taken care of, washing to be taken care of etc so I launched into those chores instead.  When we are apart I also have certain times by which I am meant to text him anyway.  I guess I thought I'll just send him my usual text.

A little while later, after the chores were taken care of (hang my head in shame here) I went onto the computer reading blogs etc - still not having sent a text to my dear husband.  The following text arrived from him

Hey babe, this is my I am a worried Hubby because I haven't heard from you text.  Thought you would be home by now and would have got a text.  Please text me right away if you can to tell me that you are ok.

I didn't see the text for a while and when I did my heart sunk.  I knew he was really worried.  I was in the middle of replying and he rung.  Oh you are there, thank God! I've been worried sick.  When I heard the anguish in his voice it was as though somebody had a vice grip on my heart squeezing all the life blood out of me.  We spoke for a while and he said right now I'm just so relieved, but we will talk about this more later.

Friday night,  Rick told me to go to the bedroom, get undressed, put my dressing gown on and wait for him.  He came in and sat on the bed while I knelt in front on him.  He explained that I knew just how much more deeply connected we were, that he had been out of his mind with worry with a thousand scenarios running through his mind.  Wondering what he would do if anything had happened to me as he couldn't bear to be without me.  Wondering what he would do if I didn't answer the phone.  He also said realising just how much he needed me and couldn't be without me scared him.

He said he just couldn't understand why I would do that to him.  I should have known just how much more he worries now and how much more protective he feels now we have such a deeper connection than ever before.  He also said he felt hurt that I would do this to him.  That I would ring my parents to let them know I was safe but not him and that it was thoughtless.  He also pointed out that I knew he expected me to text when leaving and arriving home and had therefore also broken a rule.  It should have been the first thing I did.

I'm going to give you something to show you just how hurt I am and how seriously I take this.  Just how much I don't ever want this to happen again.  It can't happen again.  Stand up baby

He removed my dressing down, lay me over the bed and spanked me with the leather paddle.  I have a love/hate relationship with that paddle depending on how it is used.  It can be quite sexy and fun when used a certain way, but boy, when used to really drive a point home it really hurts - no fun at all!

He spanked with the paddle for a while then put it down.  I then saw him removing his belt - OMG - he has never spanked me with the belt before!  I had read comments on several blogs attesting to the evils of the belt and had felt secure in the knowledge it wasn't an implement my husband used - thank goodness I don't get that.  I tried to swallow my immediate panic and steel myself for the blows.

After the belt came the wooden spoon - which is so dense it is rather like a wooden paddle and packs a mighty punch.  The spanking continued with him alternating between the implements.  During a pause in proceedings I reached my hand back to rub my poor backside.

Don't you dare rub

That earned me several more extra hard swats.  He usually allows some rubbing (although usually after the spanking, not during!)

Afterwards, I told him I now knew without a doubt how serious he is about me, about us and TTWD and admitted that I did have doubts early on as to whether he would be able to carry out discipline.  Of course, I also assured him that those doubts had long since dissipated - hey, I'm not that stupid!  Ok, maybe I am because he assured me he was prepared to do anything it takes.  To which I said ....

wait for it ....

So, after the spanking you've just given me, you wouldn't hesitate to spank me again tonight if I broke a rule or something

Absolutely.  Yes, no hesitation 

Yeah, Ok - that wasn't my smartest move because you know what?  (cringe) we discovered a little later that I had, in fact, neglected to pay a bill .....  soo, it was back for another round.  Otk this time, and thankfully not half as serious but on top of my already sore behind it made an impression.

Smack, Smack, Smack

You know this is your responsibility Roz

It was quite a defining and incredibly emotional moment for us, both in terms of husband stepping things up like never before and in lessons learnt and realisations made.

What did I learn?
  • I learnt just how deeply my husband's protective feelings run
  • I learnt that the texting rules we have (especially when out in the car)  are very important to him and are about him knowing I am safe
  • I learnt my husband will do whatever it takes 
  • I am at the point of 'fearing the spanking' - which in absolutely no way equates to fearing my husband.

I still feel mortified that I put my husband through all of that unnecessary worry and hurt.  I honestly didn't realise just how deeply protective he was toward me and just how much he would worry.  That is weak to say given I did know at the time he would worry.  I wish I could go back and change things, but I can't.  The great thing about TTWD is that the issue has been resolved and he has forgiven me.  Although it is taking a little longer for me to forgive myself.  I'll get there.

I am so thankful to have such a wonderful man who loves me so fully, who takes care of me and protects me and I am so grateful to him for leading us on this wonderful journey.  I would never, ever want to put him through that again.  

We have since found out that a woman drove off the road on that same stretch of road on the same night I was driving home from my parents and was not found (thankfully alive) under early the next morning.


  1. Awww.....sorry Roz. I have been through a tough time with my hubby lately, too.
    That protective thing is really touchy area. I think the worst spanking I ever received was because of dangerous behaviour, and I haven't forgotten it. I won't even light a candle without Ian being around.
    Glad it ended with you two in each other's arms....well, at least I am sure it did.
    He loves you, Roz. They worry. :)

    1. Thank you so much Lillie, your comment made both of us smile. He does love me, and worry about me. It was hard at the time but we did end up in each other's arms :)

      I have been very mindful since to make sure I keep in contact with him when I am out and about and let him know I am safe.

  2. Simple recipe for driving a HoH crazy:
    make him worry about your safety.
    Success guaranteed.

    1. Hi Bas, it is a simple recipe isn't it - a successful recipe for hot buns!

      I guess I underestimated just how much more protective he felt toward me since starting ttwd. I've certainly learnt that now! BTW, Rick liked your comment and was nodding in agreement with you - HoH's unite?

  3. We have the same rule about calling before leaving and after arriving when I travel. It was a rule long before we implemented DD. I once got busy after arriving at my destination and forgot to call. Since I'd left my phone in the car, he couldn't get ahold of me so he called every person I could possibly be with during my visit until he found me and then read my the riot act for not calling him. He mentioned the incident shortly after starting DD and said if I ever put him through that much worry again, I wouldn't be sitting comfortably once I returned home.

    1. Hi Dana, interesting we have the same rule. I always feel reassured when I hear others have the same rules as me. I now fully understand why it is in place, and how important it is to him. I guess I had underestimated just how protective he felt toward me.

      I will certainly be vigilant in future about making sure I contact him!

  4. Hard lessons but you both ended up learning so much through it. Safety matters sooo much to them. It takes a while to get used to just how much.

    I hope you are feeling very loved.

    1. Hi Susie, your comments always give me food for thought and I always learn from your experience and advice, both from your comments and your own posts. Thank you :)

      You are right, it does take a while to get used to just how much our safety matters to them and how protective they feel. I never really thought through the fact that it was something I would have to adjust to before.

      We did both learn a lot from this and although it was hard at the time, I did end up feeling very much loved and cared for.

  5. Roz, I'm really sorry you got distracted and didn't call Rick, but I certainly understand where he is coming from. It's not micro-managing or hovering. It's true care and concern for a loved one's safety. A short call/text can prevent worry.

    I'm not lecturing you, please don't think that. I know you understand this. I was raised on the safety calls, and probably still would be on driving restriction by my parents if I ever failed to make a call...seriously! To this day, I still call my parents when I arrive home safely after leaving their house. I call without thinking about it. You know, now I'm wondering if they wonder whether I'll ever grow out of that! Lol!

    Come to think of it, when anyone leaves my house, I always tell them to give me a call when they get home so I know they arrived safely. Sheesh. I'm really not a hover-nut, really I'm not! Good grief. Maybe I am. Oh, well. I don't care, because I DO care about people I care about.

    I'm really, truly sorry you received such a hard reminder of how much this safety courtesy matters to Rick. I would send you some of my auto-call tendency if I could - it appears I have plenty to spare. ;-)


    1. Thank you so much Irishey, I do understand now just how much this matters to Rick and will make sure I contact him when leaving and arriving home again, besides, this is a rule for us anyway which I should be following. Hopefully, this will now become automatic for me as is is for you :)

      I don't think you are a hover-nut, asking people you visit to let you know they got home safely, it shows you care and I bet they appreciate it. I bet your parents worry about you and appreciate your calls too. It is courtesy to let people know you are safe, especially if you know they worry. Whether in a Dd relationship or not.

  6. Ahhhh, Roz....that sounds tough. Dangerous stuff seems to be a sure-fire way to get one's hubby paying attention quickly....and not the good kind of attention!

    I am sorry you got such a bad spanking :( Here is hoping things are much better by now.

    1. Thank you so much Lucy :) It was tough at the time, but it was something we both learnt from and has ultimately brought us closer. I now fully understand just how important matters of safety are to him and why we have certain rules.

      Although it was tough, it also made me feel so cared for and loved and things have been great since :)

  7. My husbands family always did this, so we respectfully did it for them when we left their house and arrived at ours. I, however, did not allow my husband to enforce that rule on me, or tell him everywhere I planned to go, or when I was expected home. I was barely nineteen when I got married, and I was so brave out in the new world. I told him that I didn't make him call me when he went hunting and fishing, and didn't tell me a specific time to get home, and how would he feel, blah, blah, blah. He was a police officer and saw a lot of stuff. As I grew older, and especially a mother, I started seeing the wisdom behind the act. I unfortunately was not in a DD relationship, but I was fortunate that God kept me safe. A funny thing (now), happened the first time I took a cell phone to work with me... we had an argument that morning, and I left the house upset, slamming the door behind me. I had to be at work at 6am at the time. The road was pretty much empty of cars or people. I had to travel some roads that just had fields, with no houses. It was sprinkling rain that morning, and I got a blowout in a tire. Oh, Oh, How I hated calling him. He came, changed the tire in the rain, I thanked him, we kissed bye, and I went on to work. My pride, it stinks sometimes. I call him now (without a rule), when I feel like I'm going to be late, delayed, or if I see there has been a traffic accident that he may hear about and worry. He's always given me that courtesy. With age comes wisdom in some cases. I like my husband watching out for me, because I feel his love in it. God Bless You and Yours, Belle L.

    1. Hi Belle, oh my goodness, it was very lucky you had your phone on you that day. Contacting him when leaving and returning home is a rule for us as he needs to make sure I am safe. I now fully understand just how much more protective he feels and how much my safety matters to him since starting ttwd. I will make sure I always contact him from now on.

      You are right though, it makes sense and is just plan courteous to let them know you are safe if you are going to be delayed, or if you know they will worry, whether in a Dd relationship or not.

      Blessings to you and your family.

  8. Oh, no! That sounds like quite an ordeal for both of you. It *is* hard to keep your head in the right place all the time, but you certainly have motivation to do so. I'm glad that you could end well even if it was really rough.

    How is your bedtime going?

    1. Hi Ana, it was quite tough at the time, but we both learnt a lot from it and it has brought us even closer and left me feeling very much loved and cared for. It is hard to keep your head in the right place, do the right things all the time but yes, I certainly have the motivation now! I have a much greater understanding of just how important this is to him now.

      Hmm bedtime - well, I'm still not going early enough or getting enough sleep - but not badly enough to get in any further trouble :)