Friday, 26 April 2013

A Question of Tolerance - Comparison Post

I was both thrilled and honoured to be asked by Ami to write a post on the subject of spanking and tolerance levels.  Recognising the fact that this is something that varies depending on where you are in your ttwd dynamic and how long you have been in a ttwd dynamic, we thought it would be interesting to get different perspectives from someone relatively new to ttwd and someone a little more experienced.

So.  Ami has written a post from her perspective as someone 5 months into ttwd, click here to read her post and I will attempt to bore regale you with my perspective from my 18 months of experience.

A while ago I wrote this post on how our tolerance level can change from spanking to spanking and attempting to figure out why that is.  I received a lot of great comments to this post and realised that there are many factors that can influence this, which I will discuss further on in this post.

Before we introduced Dd into our relationship we indulged in both play and erotic spanking (and still do).  Now,  you may think these are the same thing but I separate them quite deliberately.

I will spare you the juicy details but basically, while both are sexually orientated erotic spankings are lighter, both in intensity and in our interaction with each other. They are designed for pleasure and is basically us having fun.

Play spankings however are much more serious.  In this scenario we enter Dom/sub mode.  Rick is extremely dominant and I am submissive to him.  He will issue instructions for example and I follow them without question.  The spankings are much more intense and yes, in this mode he does enjoy inflicting a certain amount of pain.  That is not as bad as it sounds and it must be remembered that this is all entirely consensual.  Both of these kinds of spanking have their place for us.

One thing I find interesting is that I would say in general I have a fairly high tolerance to the pain of a spanking.  However, since incorporating Dd I am convinced this has actually diminished to a degree.

In my head I separate play and erotic spankings from what I call "Dd spankings". Dd spankings can be punishment, correction or role affirmation.  Regardless of the type of spanking they all have a message and feeling/emotion behind them.  When you add this element tolerance becomes a lot more than just the pain.  Suddenly the element of 'emotional tolerance' is added.

With the play and erotic spankings of course, there is no emotion behind them apart from the level of intimacy they create. I have found that since starting Dd I see every spanking (be it play, erotic or a 'Dd' spanking) as having a message behind it.  I guess that is true to some degree.  They are all, at the very least, a show of dominance and submission and are also an expression of the roles we have chosen in our relationship.

What this means however, is that my tolerance to ALL spankings has diminished to a degree as I tend to attach a level of emotional significance to any spanking. Having said that however, I definitely have a higher tolerance when it goes to erotic/play spankings than Dd spankings.

The other thing I find interesting is that quite often a Dd spanking will be lighter than a play spanking.  Don't get me wrong.  That in no way means it isn't hard and sometimes difficult to take because it certainly is.

When it comes to Dd spanking, Rick takes no enjoyment in spanking me or causing me pain and it is not sexually charged.  His aim (pun intended) is to reinforce our roles and get his message across.  It is not to cause me pain.  Hence, the spanking is often lighter than in would be in play.

I say often because of course that depends on the reason for the spanking.  How serious the issue leading to the spanking is and his feelings about it.  I have certainly endured some pretty serious spankings!  We often hear about the moment our HoH finally 'gets it' and delivers a spanking we don't want and the shock of that happening.  I think this post describes the moment this happened for us.

Now that I have told you a little about us, our dynamic and a little about how I personally react to spanking, I will move on to some more general topics.

Pain Tolerance


Most of us would equate tolerance with tears and they are certainly an indicator of our tolerance.  I'm not sure however, that lack of tears means we haven't reached our tolerance.

I rarely cry during spankings and Rick's lectures don't always make me cry. However, this doesn't mean I haven't reached the limit of my endurance or that they don't 'work'.  Quite often it takes me a while to process a spanking.  I am usually quiet and reflective for some time afterwards and feeling incredibly vulnerable and submissive ... squiffy if you will.  I want to just curl up in his loving arms.  Quite often tears may fall some hours later while cuddling into Rick as I reflect on the spanking and the reasons for it. 

There are many things that can affect our ability to tolerate the physical pain of a spanking.  These include our emotional and physical state at the time as well as hormones for example.  Then of course, there are the more obvious factors such as implement choice and intensity.  

I will discuss some of the more common factors below and how they affect me.

Intensity

Of course, the intensity is a huge factor in our tolerance to the spanking.  This is something that has changed a great deal over time for us.  I remember my first spanking since incorporating Dd.  It was a punishment spanking since at that time we hadn't yet included role affirmation spankings.  There were a lot of emotions surrounding it and the issue itself was quite serious.  We we also both highly nervous but I was so impressed (in hindsight LoL) with the confidence that Rick showed and his determination to follow through.

There is no real comparison between that spanking and what I would receive now.  Rick has certainly upped the ante slowly over time.

I think intensity is one of those things you can get used to and (I hate to say it) there is a need to slowly increase the intensity of spankings over time in order to keep them effective.  I believe it is possible to become 'conditioned' to spanking.  If it is too predictable, you are able to focus on getting through it and not letting the spanking do its job.  It becomes more something to just get through.

As the HoH becomes more comfortable and confident in his role and understands that he is not harming his wife the intensity naturally increases.  Also, and perhaps most importantly, as he develops trust that this is really want his wife wants and that she is fully on board with this lifestyle.  Even when the wife has brought Dd to him, he still needs to trust that it is what she really wants.

Rick will usually deliver a flurry of swats, then take a break while he lectures and asks questions followed by another flurry of swats.  The breaks allow me to catch my breath and recover somewhat before the next flurry and that makes a huge difference to how well I tolerate the pain of the spanking.

Position

The position also makes a difference.  Our spankings are usually OTK, OTB or leaning into the back of the couch.  I like OTK because of the intimacy and closeness it provides.  However, I  find it the easiest.  Perhaps, because it doesn't allow as much swing and intensity.  Shush, don't tell Rick I said that!

The most difficult for me is on my hands and knees with my butt in the air.  I think the reason for this is a combination of the skin being more taut and the ability for Rick to spank with greater intensity in this position.

Implement

This is perhaps the most interesting factor.  I have found that I can become used to some degree to an implement.  However as I said in my earlier post, there are times that I can surprise both of us by not handling a particular implement as well as I usually do.

Over time I have also found that continued use of one implement during a spanking can lead to ineffectiveness of the implement.  My bottom numbs to it. To combat this problem Rick now uses various implements during a spanking.

Leather paddle


When we first started using the leather paddle it was very effective.  However, it is now the implement that I can become numb to.  Now days when the paddle is used it takes more intensity in order to be effective.  It is also far less common now for Rick to only use the paddle, although it does feature in most spankings.

Having said that, interestingly enough this was also the implement Rick was using when I wrote my earlier post.  I guess it goes to show that sometimes our reactions and tolerance can surprise us.

Hand

This really depends on the intensity.  Sometimes it doesn't have much of an impact yet others, it feels like a wooden paddle!  I do find the hand is more effective when used before another implement. When it comes to the hand I think the position makes a huge difference as well.  For example, I find it difficult if I'm on my hands and knees.

Wooden Spoon



I have a love/hate relationship with the spoon.  There's just something about it, I find it erotic depending on how it is used.  However, it doesn't take much intensity before I start to struggle with it.  It is rather thick and almost like a wooden paddle and can pack a mighty punch.  It has also been known to leave bruises.

Belt

Now this always strikes fear in me.  It has a psychological affect on me, I think because of the connotations attached to it.  Again, it can be quite erotic and intimate when used lightly.  However, I find it hard to take with not a great deal of intensity.

Cane



My most dreaded implement.  I find this extremely difficult with little intensity.

Emotional Tolerance


Emotions and hormones play a big part in our ability to handle a spanking. As we know there can be many emotions surrounding a spanking.  Many TiH's say that it isn't the pain of the spanking itself that pushes them to their limit, it is the emotions behind it and the same is true of me.

As well as the pain of the spanking and ability to tolerate pain, there is also the wealth of emotion behind it and this emotion can overwhelm and we can be pushed to our emotional limits.

Rick has well mastered the art of discussion and lecturing prior, during and sometimes after a spanking.  With discipline/punishment this forces me to acknowledge and think about my actions and why they were not appropriate/acceptable.  This creates feelings of remorse and disappointment in myself hearing the disappointment in his voice and realising how my actions have affected him.

If anything is going to bring me to tears, it is quite often his words.  However, the best thing about these spankings is that they provide a clean slate and allow me at the end of it to let go of those negative emotions and instead be enveloped in his love and care.

When it comes to role affirmation, the lectures are about where we are at and where Rick would like us to be.  He also reaffirms his love for me and tells me things I have done/am doing that he is proud of as well as areas he would like me to work on.  This is a very intimate and loving discussion that creates a lot of emotion in me also.

Variety

In our experience we have discovered the importance of changing things up when it comes to spanking.  If it becomes too predictable it becomes far less effective.  For me it can become something else on the 'to do' list and something I just want to get through and get over with.

For this reason we have found variety to be important.  Rick is very good at making every spanking different, even if the changes are subtle.  This means I am unable to predict the course of events and that leaves me feeling vulnerable and him in control of the situation.

As an example, once Rick has decided a spanking is over he always used to put the implement(s) away while leaving me in position, a sort of version of time out to allow me to calm and process before cuddling me and reassuring me of his love for me.  Usually during this time he also conducts what I would call a wrap up lecture.

Putting the implements away was a clear signal to me that the spanking was over and I also knew that I would be left in position for a period of time.  Now, he usually still leaves me in position while continuing to lecture, but he doesn't always put the implements away. This leaves me very vulnerable and also unsure as to whether the spanking has ended.

Thank you so much Ami for inviting me to write this post.  Writing this has been a great exercise for me and has given me a chance to reflect on how we do things and to understand my own reactions a little better.

Disclaimer:  I hope I haven't frightened anyone by my comments in relation to intensity and the need to increase this over time.  This is written entirely from my perspective and the situation differs for each couple.  How we react to, and our tolerance to spanking also differs from person to person.   Each couple finds what works for them and some may well find there is no need for this.  I would also like to point that this is something that occurs slowly over time and as each of us become more and more comfortable and confident in their role.

38 comments:

  1. Our tolerance certainly does increase with time....and the same is true of how quickly it recedes when we have been without it.
    I think you are quite right, Roz - there is a psychological presence to many implements...whereas Ian's hand is hard but I can feel the love in it.
    hugs
    lillie

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    1. Hi Lillie,

      You make a good point, our tolerance does also recede when we are without for a period. Length of time between spankings is definitely another factor.

      I agree with you about the hand too. It is so much more intimate. There is nothing like skin on skin.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  2. I think we're twins, Roz. I share many of your sentiments here. For me tears come when I press against his chest and feel his arms wrap around me and I feel the peace of forgiveness.

    We, too share many different kinds of spankings. Each one regardless of intent starts and ends with Daddy's hand, this is to connect both of us to the experience and to each other. The next part is Daddy's hairbrush after his hand to start, and before his hand to finish. This is the discipline portion for us in all other kinds of spankings. This is his signature implement. It establishes our roles in our relationship, his Dominance, my submission, and his ownership. From there it proceeds to more serious implements for stress relief, or RA, and to my least favorites for correction, or to the yummy stuff if it's a gg. Though as you said, Daddy and I have often remarked that our play spankings could send quite a few folks running for the hills screaming :)

    We are usually OTK, or over the ramp (I made one out of old bed pillows - it's kind of a wedge, good for our long sessions) with Daddy beside and lots of body contact. Very naughty girls (certainly not me! lol) go over the arm of the sofa. Daddy will lay net to me and let me come to him in my own time, which for me is immediately - I need that closeness, his scent, arms, breath on my hair---never close enough, I'd crawl inside his skin if I could.

    This was a great idea, the dual post :)

    (((hugs)))

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    1. Hey Junie, my long lost twin :)

      It's so interesting to see the similarities and differences isn't it? The ramp sounds like a great idea and why aren't I surprised you say your play spankings would send others running for the hills? LoL

      I too need that closeness afterwards, regardless of the type of spanking and can never be close enough to him.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  3. Wow, great post!
    I know my tolerance for the spanking varies depending on many different things, like setting, privacy, position, hormonal influences. I have a high tolerance for pain, but only under certain circumstances, and if the circumstance isn't right, I can't take a lot. At all. Other times, when everything is right, I can take more than DH feels comfortable giving...

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    1. Hi Julia,

      Thank you :) I agree, setting, position and privacy are definite factors as well. If the setting is right I too can sometimes take more than Rick will give. For me, it's the pauses that make all the difference. Rick seems extremely good at knowing what point to pause and give me a little breather.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  4. Hi Roz, what a great job you and Ami have done. I am going to beg and plead for "play" spankings, they sound good to me. I think I have a fairly high pain tolerance, I rarely cry during a spanking. I tend to cry from the lecture. Our erotic spankings are probably "harder" than some of the few and far between punishment ones. Odd really but there it is. You and Rick seem to have travelled so far, I admire you both and hope we get there too.
    love Jan.xx

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    1. Hi Jan,

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment :)

      Funny isn't it how play spankings are often harder than 'real' ones. I think it's because there is so much emotion tied in with 'real' spankings, and, of course, (for us anyway) there isn't a sexual charge to them.

      Careful what you wish for! LoL

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  5. Roz this is wonderful! Thank you so much for agreeing to do this! I have learned a great deal from reading your take on things! It really had me thinking!

    I am now convinced that everyone else has a much higher pain threshold than me - I am certain that sometimes you can hear me a continent away. Psychology also plays a very big part in it. I loved the paragraphs you wrote on Emotional Tolerance.

    Once again, big thanks and big hugs,

    Ami

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    1. Hi Ami,

      I enjoyed doing this. It was a great opportunity for me to reflect on us and how we do things as well as my own reactions. Thank you so much for asking me. I'm glad you found it helpful to you.

      You did such an awesome job on your post and it was so interesting to see the similarities and differences.

      Looking at your arsenal I would very much doubt your tolerance is lower LoL, and I've never heard you squeak from here :)

      Our emotions and mindset probably play the biggest part in how we react I think.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  6. Pain does I think depend a great deal on mood and emotions. We do erotic/play spankings, not disciplinary ones, so I don't generally have negative feels associated with my spankings. Perhaps this is why I don't cry or have yet to reach a point where I want him to stop. It's kind of cathartic and not a disappointment to be spanked. Why some spankings hurt more than others isn't always clear to me. I can feel in the mood and it hurts like crazy. I can drift quickly one day, and never get there another. So, I think I'm still building up my tolerance levels. We need to experiment with implements more.
    Great post! Thank you and I've read Ami's too.
    DF

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    1. Hi DF, thank you :)

      I think mood and emotions are probably the biggest factors in how we react and it seems that play spankings can quite often be harder than 'real' spankings. I think that is because of the emotions tied up in them and that, unlike play, aren't sexually charged .. well, for us anyway.

      No two spankings are the same for sure. Given that we do play/erotic, R/A and discipline I can say there is definitely a world of difference between the play/erotic and other kinds of spanking.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  7. 'wow, impressive and informative post! Tolerance to me, is a continuum, mostly moving toward more, but occasionally lapsing, depending on all the factors above.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thanks Abby :) I hope you recovery is going well.

      It is funny how our tolerance can increase then lapse. There are so many factors that come into play.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  8. I agree with the other, tolerance is so dependent upon emotion. As you know, we don't practice Dd but there are times my tolerance is much greater than others.

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    1. Hi Sunny,

      I think our emotions and mindset are probably the biggest factor and as Julia said, whether all conditions are right.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  9. I loved this post, Roz!! Very well thought out, and well stated. I am quite curious to incorporate new implements because he doesn't usually stray too much from his hands, so I have yet to find out about the differences. I do find I can tolerate much harder and intense spankings for "play" as we engage in those as well. I find that punishment spankings hurt so much that I have a hard time not swinging my hands back and kicking my legs up. You covered all of those factors that contribute to how each spanking has a different purpose. I love reading your point of view :)

    -Marie

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    1. Hi Marie,

      Thank you so much. Well ... you know curiosity killed the cat. Just kidding.

      It does seem most of us have a higher tolerance for play spankings. I think it shows that emotion and mindset play a huge part in our tolerance. Punishment spankings have a lot of emotion tied in with them.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  10. What a great post. Very well thought out and said. A perfect companion post to Ami's.

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    1. Hi Sarah,

      Welcome! Thank you so much for reading and for your lovely comment.

      I enjoyed writing this and found it a great to reflect on my own reactions. It was so interesting to see the similarities and differences.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  11. Hi Roz
    I realy enjoyed the post you have answered some questions that I had lingering in the back of my head but also raised some new ones that I will have to ponder on
    Thanks for writing this post

    Bob

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    1. Hi Bob, thank you and you're welcome :)

      I'm so glad you found it helpful in some way. I hope the fact that it's raised some questions for you is good.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  12. It can be so difficult to 'feel' what others feel except through their descriptions. That is why tolerance is so individually discovered through experience. To my way of thinking it will never be a constant since we are always changing in emotions and practice. Plus we need to consider the intensity of the spanker etc..right? Someone who uses a wide swing etc..
    Makes me wonder at my tolerance now. LOL.

    This was a great companion post you and Ami shared with us! I love hearing how others do TTWD!

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    1. Hi Minelle,

      Thank you .. thank you too for raising some really good and interesting points. Tolerance is a very individual thing that can only be explored through experience. I agree too that it keeps changing as our emotions and the way we do things change. Of course, the intensity of the spanker can not be understated as a factor!

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  13. It was really interesting to see both of your perspectives on the topic...thanks for sharing.

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    1. Hi Terps,

      You're welcome :) It certainly was an interesting exercise for us .. seeing the similarities and differences.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  14. I really enjoyed this Roz--the similarities and the differences and just thinking about all the ways that our psyche realizes the differences with so many parameters.

    Stuff to chew on here...thanks.

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    1. Hi Susie,

      Thank you. This was so interesting to do .. seeing the differences and similarities, not only between Ami and myself, but also between different kinds of spanking. Our psyche is such a big factor.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  15. Wonderful post and very thorough :-)

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  16. Roz I just loved this post. I for one always thought it was interesting how much the mindset and emotions factor into the spankings themselves. It can be a fairly similar spanking for play or punishment but they're completely different at the same time. I for one rarely cry from a spanking itself but more from the combo of the pain, scolding and the disappointment. I do think butt have a definite way of adapting to spankings. Mine is getting used to more and more so Daddy has had to slowly but surely increase the length and intensity. It's always interesting to see other's thoughts on the topic. Thanks for the dual post!
    <3 Lily

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    1. Hi Lily, thank you. Our mindset and emotions do play such a big part don't they and I agree, similar, yet completely different due to the emotions involved. It's the combination that does it for me too.

      It is so interesting to get different perspectives.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  17. Sorry I am so behind, I wasn't allowed to catch up on blogs over the weekend. ;) I totally agree about the spankings needing to increase in intensity. I definitely could not have handled the spankings I get now in the beginning. But also, if I got a spanking now that I got in the beginning, I would be left with "What the heck? Why are you being so soft?" And I totally agree on the lecturing. The Duke now lectures during the spanking, and I do find this way more effective. Though I am still always told when the lecturing is done... not sure how I'd feel to have to keep guessing. :) Please don't share that thought with the Duke! :) Thank you for the post, so great. :)

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    1. Hi Es May, never too late, I know you had a 'busy' weekend LoL. I'm glad it was such a positive experience for you both.

      Ah the lecture, it is very effective isn't it. Rick does keep me guessing a bit at times as to whether the spanking/lecture is over.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  18. I agree with so much. We do have to vary things so they don't get boring. The same implement used for fun or punishment can feel completely different and that is something I didn't understand before I started.

    Such a wonderful post.

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    1. Hi Zoe,

      It's funny how that works isn't it? It really is tied in to the purpose for the spanking (fun/punishment etc) and the emotions involved. The two certainly are worlds apart from each other!

      Hugs,
      Roz

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    1. Hi Jessica,

      Thank you :) ... and thank you so much for reading and commenting.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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