Friday 23 November 2012

When Life Gets In The Way

What do you do when life gets in the way of your Dd/ttwd relationship?  How do you ensure you retain your relationship dynamic?

Over the last couple of weeks things have been going on here that have somewhat detracted from our dynamic.  Nothing serious, but there have been several small things that have happened one after the other causing stress and frustration.  Changes at work causing more than usual work stress and general interruptions to alone and intimate time together.

With these things going on life has kind of taken over.  I have not been feeling nearly as submissive toward my husband as I should and as I want to be.  Nor have I been acting it!  He has also not been feeling as dominant.  Worse than that, we have not been feeling as close and intimate as we usually are.

I know a number of you are going through difficult times at the moment.  Some have said despite this (or maybe perhaps even because of this) your dynamic is stronger than ever.

I am sure things will settle back to our kind of normal as the life pressures ease.  Then again, Christmas is just around the corner and I also wonder what impact the stress of that will have this year.

It does feel as though we are slowly returning to the level of closeness we usually share. Very slowly.  We also have some intimate alone time planned this weekend which I am hoping will help.  My husband has also recently told me he intends to introduce role affirmation spankings into our dynamic. (Currently we only practice corrective and erotic spanking).  I suppose I have to admit at gun point that that this may be a good idea - grrr!

I am sure this must be something most couples face from time to time.  I am curios as to how you deal with these situations in order to retain your dynamic and respective roles.  If you are going to suggest that role affirmation spankings are the answer however, please refrain from commenting.  Just Kidding! :)


32 comments:

  1. Hey Roz.

    I thought I'd better comment as I am going away, and you'll miss me so :)

    Obviously as you know, I have nothing. I've mentioned that I feel hope to getting back to my submissive self, but it is slow, and we are so new to this.

    Such a slippery slope isn't it you need to be submissive for him to feel dominant and vice versa. What about if he texts you to do things, outside of your comfort zone and you comply ? Nothing major. Just little things? When you are away or life gets in the way. Perhaps a whisper in your ear to do something? Just small steps of dominance and submission?

    Have a great weekend. Good luck sorting through this. If you come across any wonderful ideas, do let me know!

    Love
    Willie

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    1. Hi Wilma, thank you my friend. I should be doing housework but wanted to reply to you as you are going away, and I will miss you :)

      Very good suggestion. I think he has started to feel his dominance more again more than I am feeling my submission. He has started to show little acts of dominance here and there again.

      I'm hopeful we will soon be back to the closeness we usually share. It is tricky isn't it when one feeds off the other. If one isn't quite 'feeling it' it affects the other.

      Have a wonderful weekend my friend, safe travels.

      Love
      Roz

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    2. Thanks Roz

      Just an amature thought before I leave...what if that is it? What if that is the answer? If he kicks up his dominance over the weekend? Do you think that might draw out your submissive side? Or would it just make you angry? How about just in the bedroom then? *wink*

      I hope things are better by the time I return on Monday.

      Love Willie

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    3. Hmm yes, that could definitely help. It's a tricky one for me though. Depending on how he goes about it - what he says/does/asks me to do etc it can either be a good thing and make me feel submissive, or it can have the opposite affect. However, he does seem to know what does and doesn't work.

      As for the bedroom - he never generally have any problem taking charge there :)

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    4. Good evening Roz

      I hope that you found at least a small part of what you were looking for this weekend.

      Love (a still searching myself

      Willie

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    5. Hi Willie,

      You are such a sweetie to ask. Well, um, lets just say it was eventful - I have a post in draft about it which I will put up soon. There was reconnection .... and also correction (eek - shame faced) which included a 24 hr blog ban. Thank you for your email too, I will certainly check it out (I only just saw it because of the ban :)

      I am still not totally there, but I am feeling more submissive and we are more connected. I hope you had a great time away with the family.

      Hugs
      Roz

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    6. Oh Roz,

      I am happy to hear you think you are on an up swing. I look forward to your post - still looking for all the help I can get :-)

      Let me know if the email thing works.

      Willie

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    7. Thank you for your support Willie, I really appreciate it.

      It's a work in progress :) Hmm, not sure my post is going to be of any help to anyone Lol.

      Will let you know about the email thing - thank you again for that.

      Hugs

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    8. As for your comment about your post not helping anyone, you know better than that! I never stops amazing me, what people pull from what 'we' post.

      As for the rest...pfft...'twas nothing :)

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    9. :) Thank you Willie

      Love and hugs

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  2. Okay so read this and delete....heheheh!

    Yes, we do role affirmation or whatever you want to call it. It does help...sorry I know not what you want to hear. But we really do struggle with what you described in your post. Life does tend to get in the way, and we find that those maintenance sessions really help us both. Ryan's schedule gets kinda hectic so we have made Sundays our scheduled RA day :) We also talk about what is going on that week and anything related to our relationship. It is time that we take out just for us...to see how ttwd is working for both of us. We do the maintenance session right before bed.

    I have also heard...Susie I think...talk about doing something that puts you in that frame of mind, even if you are struggling....I find myself asking Ryan what he needs from me, or doing something that I know would make him happy. Those kinds of things.

    Not sure if this helps or not....but this tends to keep us level, for the most part. But then again, you have read my blog and know we have our fair share of moments ;)

    Have a great weekend :)

    ~Lucy

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    1. Hi Lucy, I forgive you Lol I know this works well for some couples.

      Lets just say we had our own kind of role affirmation, it wasn't at all what I expected, but we are feeling more connected now and I am feeling more submissive, although sill not fully where I want to be - sigh. I will be posting about the weekend shortly.

      I do try and do things for Rick, and think about what he would like when I am struggling and it does sometimes help.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  3. Hi, Roz, Add us to the list, we use role affirmation/maintenance/submission exercises whatever you would like to call them as well. Yes, they do help. Daddy will also do other submission exercises, telling me to do certain things before he gets home (not always chorey stuff, but pleasurable stuff too) and report to him when they are done.

    If things get really to the tense side, Daddy is pretty perceptive, and he will just take my hand and lead me upstairs, and if the stress has been on his side I'll come to him and offer myself up. We both make an effort to set aside everything else to do that, because the far away feeling - that feels horrible.

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    1. Hi June, thank you for your comment. You and Ward seem to have so much of this figured out so I really appreciate your thoughts.

      We did try our own form of role affirmation and we are feeling much more connected now. I am also feeling more submissive, but still not quite where I would like to be. It's a work in progress :)

      I think Rick is considering doing more in the way of submission exercises too.

      Hugs
      Roz

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    2. We just talk incessantly, Roz. Sometimes - when he's been gone - there was nothing else to do to stay connected. And we're both firm and insistent that we hold nothing back from each other. Even when the emotions feel unworthy, the other will draw it out and assures that there is nothing unworthy in our hearts. Is it easy? No, not always. Is it rewarding? Yes. Does it help in the end even if living the experience is painful? Yes. Would I change one single thing that has happened between us? No.

      We don't have all the answers...no one does, and those that claim to are liars. The best we can do is offer our experiences - sometimes very raw experiences - and hope that our struggles can help someone else, too. (((hugs)))

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    3. By sharing your experiences you and Ward do help others in their journey. You guys are a great example of what a relationship should be.

      That's the great thing about this community. We all learn from each other :)

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  4. We do not do DD, but if we do not have spanking for a while we feel disconnected. I probably need it more than my husband. I believe since beginning this journey it helps us connect so much better.

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    1. i agree. no punishment going on here. but we definitely DO have maintenance or Role-affirmation, if that's what you call it _ which i think makes more sense to me in my particular dynamic.

      it doesn't always have to be serious and all business. sometimes our spankings for "reminding us who's boss" is just that - a spanking. and it can take different forms, be done with different implements, but always made known that it's maintenance. "Ready for your spanking?" or "it's time for your spanking".

      i think the fact that he uses those words "YOUR spanking" is already a reaffirmation of roles.

      Hugs and good thoughts...

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    2. Hi Minelle, Much as I don't want to admit it, I think I need it too in order to stay submissive and connected. Shush, don't tell my husband I said that!

      We did get some reconnection over the weekend and are feeling closer and more attuned to our roles.

      Hugs
      Roz

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    3. Hi Fondles, thank you for commenting. Interesting, I agree with you that the the words BKISS uses is already role affirming.

      We did manage to get some reconnection over the weekend and are feeling closer and more in touch with our roles now.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  5. Hi Roz - Don't really have anything to add to what the lovely ladies above have said. I have faith that you two will find your way back to where you want to be.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Hi Cat, thank you :)

      We did get some reconnection over the weekend and are definitely feeling closer again. Although I'm still not feeling quite as submissive as I want to be.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  6. This is totally my problem! I'm definitely not getting enough TTWD! If it's not one thing getting in the way, it's another. Someone - Conina, I think, likened it to going to the gym-- you always feel better after, so you just need to "force" yourself even though it's not convenient or you're not in the mood. I think that makes sense...

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    1. Hi Renee, thank you for your comment. I like the analogy with the gym. It may not always be what you want at the time, but it does always feel better afterwards.

      We did manage to make some time to reconnect over the weekend and are feeling stronger in our roles again.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  7. So sorry to use a cliche, but to focus on quality over quantity. I mean, we are *all* busy and we all have to give up things that we want, right? So if I don't get to do X as much as I want, then I prioritize and make the few times I get to do it worthwhile. Probably, sadly, to make it "worthwhile" might mean things you don't necessarily love and adore...but if you are focusing on quality then it has to last you longer.

    I know, I know...

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    1. Hi Ana, thank you so much for your comment. You make some very good points.

      I think when life gets in the way of 'practicing' our dynamic I tend to focus too much on the fact that it's not there and let my submission slide accordingly. I should be thinking of the wonderful benefits it gives us, and remembering that even when not overly 'active' it is ALWAYS there.

      You are right too about making the most of the opportunities - sigh!

      Hugs
      Roz

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  8. Hi, Roz. Some of the best advice I've been given, about life in general, is that we make time for those things that are most important to us. While true, we're often preempted by those things we *must* do, and everyday life gets in the way of living it to its full potential.

    It's not always easy to carve out time for those things most important to us. It's also not fair to castigate ourselves if we cannot always squeeze in the things on our personal "most important" list.

    When we can't fit in enough attention to our relationship, the next important thing should be that we continue to acknowledge to each other that our relationship is most important, and that we make concerted efforts to try to honor it and each other to the best of our ability.

    Sometimes, even mentioning how important we are, how we miss our connection, is only an ideal that can fall by the wayside. We need to set an alarm, write it on the calendar, something. It's so easy to get distracted by other things and not make the effort to at least mention to each other how important we are. It's also harder to bring it up if we let too much time pass since the last time we talked about us. Relationships can be tricky because humans are in charge of them. Sigh...

    Soooo, I'm thinking, if you don't have time to actualize your dominant and submissive activities to keep them forefront, discuss that with each other. Can the two of you talk freely enough to make a commitment to reinstituting your practices and routine after all the hoopla dies down? Perhaps you can agree to commit to spending a few moments every day to keep in touch and remind each other that you respect and miss your active D/s roles.

    I'm just thinking out loud here. I wish I could be more help. I know how difficult conversation can be, especially when it's about something very important and emotionally charged.

    I'm going to share another few other good things to think about. You can decide if they have any merit that can be applied in your situation. These quotes attributed to John Wooden (October 14, 1910 – June 4, 2010), U.S. inspirational and leadership speaker and author, Basketball Hall of Fame inductee, one of the most successful college basketball coaches in history, and a devout Christian:

    "If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?"

    "Flexibility is the key to stability."

    "Be quick, but don't hurry."

    Hugs,

    Irishey

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    1. Hi Irishey, thank you so much for your comment. As always you have some great suggestions which gives me food for thought.

      We are pretty good at talking about 'us' and ttwd. As I mentioned in a previous comment, I think when life gets in the way I tend to focus too much on the fact that we are actively practicing ttwd and I lose some of my submission. I need to remember that in fact, ttwd is ALWAYS present.

      We did manage to get some reconnection over the weekend and are feeling closer and more in tune with our roles.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  9. It is hard to retain ttwd when you have things that get in the way. I wish I could tell you the answer, but we struggle with this as well. Especially with the distance and then having to spend some weekends with families, it is hard to keep up! However, there are small things we've tried, like little tasks. It doesn't have to be anything huge or time consuming. Sometimes it will just be that he'll ask me to wear something blue on Monday, wear a dress on Tuesday, leggings on Wednesday, etc. It's small, but enough of a placeholder for us to be reminded of our roles.

    Good luck :)

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    1. Hi Riley, thank you for commenting. I know from your blog that you are often apart. I do like the idea of little tasks and think this could work really well to remind each of us of our roles. Thank you for the suggestion.

      We did manage to get some reconnection over the weekend and are feeling closer and stronger in our roles so we are getting there.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  10. Honestly, its not something we struggle with at all. When he goes out of town though, or I do, we DO struggle, and that's why he insists on RA when he returns. Does it help? Sometimes..yes.Sometimes I feel rebellious about it. We are still fine-tuning it.

    As for day to day, he's always "on" and that keeps me very aware of our dynamic I guess.

    Riley has some good ideas. Also when O is out of town, he gives me tasks, phone calls to make, etc. Then I have to think about what he wants, and it reminds me even though he's gone, he's "here" in many ways.

    I am sure life will slow down soon, and you'll get back to normal.

    Good luck, Roz!

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    1. Hi Stormy, thank you so much for your comment.

      I know though your blog the struggles you have when you are apart and it does seem that the Ogre is always "on" and never seems to lose his dominance.

      I like the idea of tasks and think it could work well to remind us of our roles.

      We did manage to get some reconnection over the weekend and are feeling much closer again and more where we want to be.

      Hugs
      Roz

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