Sunday, 18 November 2012

Blurring The Lines and Role Affirmation

We all know Dd/ttwd can be messy, and that mistakes can be made.

I wasn't going to post this, but I decided that I have a blog for a reason.  To record our journey and also to help me process my own thoughts and feelings as we travel down this path we call ttwd.  Therefore, it should be the complete journey warts and all, not just the good bits.  Also, to leave out the messy bits would not be honest.

You may or may not know that we practice both erotic and punishment/correctional spanking.  Yes, we both have at least a degree of spanko in us.

There is never any doubt when a spanking occurs which category it fits into.  There is no blurring between the two, they are vastly different.  With correction, it is filled with emotion, a lot of discussion, lecturing and afterwards, wonderful aftercare and a lot of cuddling.  With erotic spanking, the emotion isn't there (well, the anger, frustration, hurt, remorse etc anyway), the tone is light, implements and position are different and instead of aftercare, it leads to some pretty damn good sex!

There is never any confusion between erotic spanking and spanking for correction. Usually.

Recently I was spanked for something that was technically breaking one of our rules. However, the situation had not been entirely within my control so I felt the spanking a little unfair.  I also thought, knowing my husband, that it was unusual for him to spank if the incident was not within my control.

I submitted to it anyway, but it didn't feel 'right' or 'normal'.  My husband's demeanour was not what it usually is during a correction.  The implement used was unusual and there was not much discussion or lecture.  In addition, although he held me in his arms afterwards and soothed me, this did not feel quite 'right' either.  The result of this was that I was left feeling confused and upset.  As a result of these feelings I pulled away from him emotionally.  Usually after a correction I feel totally submissive, cared for and loved.  I feel his dominance strongly.

Knowing I was upset and not my normal self, my husband confessed that he had used the incident as an excuse to spank me and that it wasn't really for correction.  That he would not normally have spanked me for something not totally within my control.  Of course, we both know he didn't need an excuse.  He could have brought us to 'play' mode and I would of willingly participated.

Anyway, he confessed which I appreciated greatly.  It made me feel a little bit better as it lifted my confusion, but I remained distant and not feeling submissive at all.  Both of us had landed on a snake (to steal Wilma's snake and ladders analogy) and down we slid together.  My submission and his dominance waned to some degree for a few days but we are thankfully feeling more connected again now.

As I said above, I decided to post this because I think this blog should record our whole journey, not just the good bits.  It is not an exercise of placing either myself or my husband on the stand (so to speak).

I am confident this situation will not occur again but I am also curious as to whether anyone else has experienced this blurring of the lines and how you dealt with it.


Update

Prior to publishing this post, we sat down together to read it.  The process of doing so brought about some discussion and further clarity to the situation.  My husband gained a better understanding of the feelings I had gone through that night.  He also told me that at the time, he was a little confused himself as to just what motivated him to conduct the spanking, other than it certainly was not a correction in his mind.  However, in retrospect he realised he had intended it to be, at least in part, role affirmation.

As we discussed this further, he told me that drafting this post had helped provide clarity for both of us, but that it had also helped him make a decision - that he would introduce role affirmation spanking into our dynamic.  Way to go Roz, good one!  Hmm, I guess this might be an example of how having a blog may not always be such a good thing.  It can sometimes literally bite you in the butt!  Hummph

What exactly is role affirmation anyway?  Is it maintenance by another name?  




20 comments:

  1. Good evening Roz. ( yay you mentioned me!...okay back to YOU)

    In my mind role affirmation and maintenance can be two different sides of the same coin. For the most part at the moment we are using role affirmation, but something tells me the closer we get to HORROR MOANS week, it will be more like maintenance. Same action, just a different mind set. Does that make sense?

    Thanks for sharing ...warts and all!

    Love Willie

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    1. Hi Willie, thank you for your comment. I'm still trying to make sense of the different types of spanking. I think the difference is in the mind set as you said and discussion that occurs.

      Hmm, yes HORROR MOANS - they can certainly lead to spankings, of one sort or another. Argh!

      Love and Hugs
      Roz

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  2. Hi Roz.... Oy! Susie's Battle for he heart post, Lillie's preaching to the choir, and now this yours....are all hitting home with me. I had to have a very honest discussion with Ryan last night...not a fun one. I will be blogging about it soon. But this stuff just happens. I am trying to still sort everything out in my head.....just know I understand. What is it about blogland....we all seem to go through similar issues around the same time. It is getting scary around here. ;)

    I am glad you were both able to talk and sort this out. Communication really is so important.

    I appreciate you sharing this....I know sometimes it can be hard.

    (((hugs)))
    ~Lucy

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    1. Hi Lucy, thank you for your kind words and hugs.

      Yep, it's been a bit of a tough time around blogland lately hasn't it. It seems many of us are going through similar issues. It may be rough, but I think it's a time of self discovery and growth for a lot of us too.

      Hugs back at ya
      Roz

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  3. It is great to your blog is providing such a good communication tool. I think it does because your husband can read what you say and go back and read parts again. Then he can process what you have said and you in turn get to process your thoughts while writing. Somehow I bet Role Affirmation spankings will be a good a thing. Maybe then you won't end up on the punishment side of spankings. But, I appreciate your heart in the post and just wanting to be honest and share. Hugs.

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    1. Hi SNP, thank you for your comment. You sum it up perfectly. The blog has become far more beneficial then I originally thought it would. It is a great communication tool for us and a place to process - except when it bites me in the butt Lol

      As for my husband's decision to introduce role affirmation - much as I am not enthused with the idea, I too suspect they may be good for us. (Shs, don't tell Rick I said that!)

      Hugs
      Roz

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  4. Honest communication gets great results. Glad things are clearner now or are they?

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    1. Hi Sunny, Yes, things are definitely clearer now in terms of what went wrong, and writing this post really did help us work through it.

      I'm a little less sure about introducing role affirmation, but I guess we will see how it goes.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  5. Within Maintenance Spanking there is a version for role affirmation. Maintaining roles is important and many couples use periodic Maintenance Spankings as a tool of clarification. Sounds like your communication together is one your strongest tools of clarification :)

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    1. Hi My BB, thank you for your comment and providing some more clarification for me. I appreciate it. I also read your posts on the topic which gave me some more insight.

      We do usually communicate well on ttwd and have a lot of conversations checking in and talking about how we feel we are doing.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  6. Hi Roz - Thanks for sharing. You did a beautiful job of explaining your confusion and feelings which I'm sure will be of help to others in finding their way. Life sure can be messy can't it.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Hi Cat, thank you very much for your kind words. Yep, life sure can be messy some times.

      Writing this sure helped us to work through the situation, and if it also helps others I am truly grateful and humbled.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  7. Very interesting Roz. He needed something, wasn't sure what to call it, tried something that confused you both a bit but you figured it out.

    We had a lot of confusing spankings in our first year at this. It happens, but the communication part is what matters.

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    1. Hi Susie, I always love you comments because you always sum the situation up so well. You are right on again, I think that is exactly what happened.

      We did communicate and this post helped that. In the process he figured out what it is he/me/us needs - dang :(

      Hugs
      Roz

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  8. Good for you both for talking it through and finding out a way to deal with it. Really impressed! Sounds like you both are doing your part to keep the relationship working. Hurrah for you!

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    1. Hi Ana, thank you for your lovely words - and for being impressed :)

      I'm glad we were able to communicate and figure it out in the end. Writing this post helped that process. Just not sure I'm so happy about the outcome though Lol - introducing role affirmation spankings.

      We are both committed to making ttwd work for us.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  9. Hey Rozzie :)
    Well, Ian has been guilty of spanking me "just because he felt I needed it" and I haven't known how to feel about it. He hasn't done it lately, but I have kicked up quite a fuss, so I think that made him rethink things.
    Although, in truth given the recent turn of events, he hasn't needed a reason..... :(
    The great thing is that you talked about it.
    I think it is important to remember that our HoHs are growing in their role, and need our support. I can say that as I lied to my husband for months....(shamefaced) You handled it in a very supportive way, Roz and I hope things are more defined for you both now.
    I don't know what to say about role affirmation, it sorta sounds like maintenance to me.....
    hugs and love
    lillie

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    1. Hi Lillie, Rozzie - hey, I like it! I'm in the 'ie' club, yay! (Willie, Lillie, Susie ...) Lol

      I hope the path for you and Ian is a little smoother and clearer now.

      This is the first time we have had any confused spankings and I don't think it will happen again. I'm glad we were able to communicate and gain a better understand of what went wrong.

      You are right, our HoH's are growing in their role too and need our support, just as we need their support. Easy to overlook when we are looking at them to take the lead.

      Hugs
      Rozzie :)

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  10. Oh my gosh! Something similar happened with us a few weeks ago!

    Like you two, Will and I are also have a 'degree of spanko' in both of us; as a matter of fact, looking back through the years prior to ttwd there was always an element of spanking in some manner during our intimate moments. I mean, we had implements in our play drawer before we knew they were called "implements!"

    However, being new to ttwd we've been trying out "maintenance," "role-affirmation" and "bonding" sessions. The issue was that the first three "role-affirmation" spankings turned into great sex. The first actual "role-affirmation" that was not supposed to be connected to sex turned into Will lecturing me on something that seemed to me to be completely 'off' and also not truly my sole responsibility.

    Though the spanking didn't even hurt, it was definitely very upsetting because I was confused emotionally about what was happening, which upset him. In short, nothing good seemed to come of it.

    Until later, when we talked about the whole thing. Communication is always good, and now we are definitely on the same page with regard to what is happening and why. His thing was, he could find no good reason for spanking me so he made something up and thought we could 'role play.' But I didn't know this, and he didn't think I'd take it seriously, so I was upset, and he felt badly...but we've learned something, and that's always a good thing.

    I should write a post about this, too, I think. Sorry to hijack, this just really hit home with me, Roz. Thank you!

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    1. Hi Elisa, Welcome to blogland and to my little corner of it. Thank you very much for your comment.

      It sounds as though we both had a very similar experience. It's scary sometimes how we all face very similar issues/dilemas on this journey and also very comforting to know we are not alone. Sometimes something will happen and you think, 'something must be wrong', or 'we can't be doing this 'right'', until you see someone else has been through the same thing.

      I'm glad this post struck a chord with you and it's absolutely not hijacking if you decide you would like to write your own post :)

      Hugs, Roz

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