Thursday 15 November 2012

A Word With "The Boss Man" - The Reluctant HoH

I  have read a few posts recently from wives relatively new to ttwd frustrated at lack of consistency or action on the part of their husband.

This got me pondering as to why this happens.  What causes this stop/start, consistency/inconsistency, or apparent lack of enthusiasm on his part to embrace his role.

I had some thoughts of my own on the topic but thought I would go to a more knowledgeable source - my husband Rick.  Below is the conversation we had.  I even coloured it pink and blue so you know who's who (as if you wouldn't know otherwise - geez!) - cute Roz.

This is aimed more at couples starting out with Dd/ttwd.  However, this issue can occur at any stage of the journey.  But the further along the journey you are, the less likely it is to occur and the reasons for it occurring may be different to those discussed below.  Just as submission for us is difficult to cultivate and even harder to maintain all the time.  Just as it eludes us from time to time, our man's HoHy'ness can also elude him from time to time.

Ok, without further ado, below is the conversation we had.  This is from the top of my head as I didn't take notes at the time (it has been checked with the boss man for accuracy though!) - fine reporter you are Roz!


Hey hon, can I ask you a Dd question.  From your perspective, you know, as an HoH?


Yeah, of course.


I've read a few posts lately from some wives frustrated at their husband's lack of consistency or not stepping up as an HoH.  You know, the whole stop/start thing that seems to happen early on.  I was wondering what actually causes this. 


Hmm, It's about trust. You question her commitment to ttwd, is she really on board.  It's hard until you trust her commitment to the lifestyle fully and that takes time.  You do wonder whether this is really what she wants.  I know you are 100% on board.  It's also about trusting that she has trust in you as an HoH.


Wow really?  I haven't thought of that.  Trust goes both ways eh?  


Oh yeah.  For Sure.  Becoming and HoH is a huge responsibility and you are anxious to make sure you get it right.  You worry is this what she wants?  what if I'm too hard?  not hard enough?  You don't want to rush things and don't want to make any mistakes. 


Hmm, really


Yep, you also worry about coming on too strong and about whether you are abusing the authority she has entrusted in you.


I guess you must also be wondering Does she really want this?  How can she possibly want this? and maybe even worry about her reaction if you do step up and try and spank her - Ok, shut up now Roz, let the poor man speak!


Absolutely.  That's part of it too.  As I said before, you've got to trust her commitment to this lifestyle.


Wow, that's all really interesting.  So does that mean a HoH who is slow (so to speak) is a good thing?  That he's really thinking about things and that the wife should in fact be happy?  He's going to be a brilliant HoH?


(laughing) Not necessarily.  A man who is already dominant in nature may have no problem at all embracing his role.  That doesn't mean he's going to turn out to be a 'bad' HoH.


No, of course not.  I guess too, early on it's even harder if you can't deal with something immediately.  You know, time goes on and feelings change and it becomes water under the bridge, especially if there haven't been any issues since.  Maybe you don't see the big overall picture of what you are trying to achieve early on.


Well yeah, it is hard.  You want to have the 'nice stuff'.  Be loving, kind, enjoy each other.  You don't want to have to deal with that.


Yeah, I can see that.  I perceive in you that now days you do always think of the ultimate end goal.  What you are trying to achieve for us because boy, you've really stepped things up lately.  You don't have any problem with delayed consequences any more.


You're right, and I do.  It's also you you know.  I know you inside out, I get my strength from you.  Knowing you are totally on board and that this is what you want/need.  Your submission, vulnerability and femininity.  It drives me to be a better man - that was my favourite answer!  


You just grow into it as you learn what makes her tick.  What she needs and wants.


I've been thinking some more about this since Rick and I had this discussion and a few things occurred to me that I will bore enlighten you with now.  

Just as the husband may struggle to embrace his role, we are also struggling to find our feet within our  new role and to submit to our man.  

After the conversation with Rick, I realised that both husband and wife are going through very similar feelings and thought processes.  Just as he is wondering whether he can trust our commitment to a Dd/ttwd relationship, we are questioning whether we can trust him to lead us and take on the role of HoH.  As he is wondering whether this is what we want, we are wondering whether this is really what he wants etc.

A lot of what the HoH is thinking and feeling can equally be applied to us from our  perspective.  It is like a game of tennis.  We are both playing the same game, but from different sides of the net.  

I also see Dd/ttwd in the beginning like learning to drive a manual.  You release the clutch, press down on the accelerator and bunny hop along for a little while.  Then you find your stride, cruise along nicely for a bit then all of a sudden oops, there's a stop sign.  You stop at the stop sign, take off again and bunny hop along for a little while then find your stride again until you come across the next stop sign.

So, what can we do if our man is not 'stepping up' to his role, or doing so in a stop-start fashion?  I think we need to communicate our wishes and needs to him in a respectful manner.  Communication is of utmost importance within a ttwd relationship.

We also need to try and be patient.  Give him time to grow into his role, just as we need time to grow into ours.  Above all, try and fulfil our role to the best of our ability, even if we don't think he is fulfilling his. Why?  Because the more submissive we are and the more we defer to him, the more dominant he feels, and vice versa.



 



36 comments:

  1. Well that explains our difficulty, neither Barney nor I know how to drive a stick! lol

    Seriously though great post Roz. If I could add to the patience aspect. I thought I was being patient, waiting for Barney to 'step up' find his footing etc.. but in doing so I didn't communicate my 'needs'. This ended up seeping out, and then the communication was much more strained than it should have been.

    I guess what I am saying patience doesn't always mean 'waiting -to talk it out'. That if their action/inaction is becoming an issue there should be a way that we can discuss it without feeling like we are directing the director? But like I've said before, we're bumping around up here with blindfolds on most of the time..lol
    I'm sure someone will have something to add about my above statement.

    Love Willie

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    1. Hello Wilma, my bedtime tea buddy (although just to confuse you it's actually late Sunday morning this time Lol).

      Lol, I learnt to drive a stick originally but haven't driven one for years now. Lord knows what would happen if I tried again now!

      You raise a very good point and I thank you for doing so. I absolutely agree. Having patience does not mean waiting to talk it out if their action or inaction is causing you problems. You absolutely should be able to discuss it with him and let him know how you feel and what you feel you need from him. He would also probably appreciate it if new to twd as he is trying to figure out for himself what HE thinks you need.

      Love and Hugs,
      Roz

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  2. Thanks for sharing. Lots of insightful thoughts/truths and I enjoyed reading your conversation with your husband. You are right in that we have different roles to play and there are insecure feelings on both sides. Communication, submission, patience, and perspective--all part of TTWD. Hugs.

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    1. Hi SNP, thank you so much for your kind words. I did enjoy having that conversation with Rick, we had fun discussing it. I was just going to post our conversation, but then it hit me that both partners are going through the same thoughts/feelings and insecurities, but from different perspectives.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  3. Roz, if I had sat there and you had interviewed me, you had gotten exactly the same answers.
    Only a few 'born' HoH's know all the answers. The rest of us is guessing and waiting for the wife's input.
    When we don't know what to do, and the wife gives no clear signals, we find ourselves for a stop sign.

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    1. Hi Bas, I really appreciate your comment, it's always great to hear the view of other HoH's. Interesting that you say your answers would have been the same as Ricks. It seems the insecurities we have at the beginning of ttwd are universal, both for the husband and wives.

      Great point, if we don't give clear signals, our husband can't know what we need/want, which leads to him being more unsure of 'stepping up'. Thanks Bas,

      Hugs, Roz

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    1. Thank you Emi, I hope it was helpful :)

      Hugs, Roz

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  5. It's nice to hear your husband's perspective Roz! I love the last paragraph of your post in particular. :)

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    1. Hi Tess, thank you so much for your kind words. So happy for you that your man is back - Yay!

      Hugs, Roz

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  6. I really like the tennis analogy. Same game but different sides of the net. And you're right about the patience. It takes time for both of us to figure it out and I don't think that ever really stops. Nice post from both of you.

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    1. Hi Zoe, thank you for your comment and the compliment.

      It does take time to both to figure this thing out and I agree I don't think it ever really stops. It's a ongoing learning curve :)

      Hugs
      Roz

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  7. Catch 22. One thing begets the other. Good post. I'm sure it is helpful to many newbiew and oldies.

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    1. Hi Sunny, thank you. I asked Rick the question as I was interested in his view, then got to thinking that it is the same issues/insecurities that face both partners so I decided to post. If it is helpful to others in the process that would make me extremely happy.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  8. Thanks for sharing the HoH perspective. It's always interesting to hear what the other side thinks.

    I remember learning how to drive a stick shift. I had trouble taking off, but once I got rolling, I was fine. At least until I had to stop and take off again. I finally ended up finding an empty parking lot and practicing taking off and stopping for a while until I got the hang of it.

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    1. Hi Dana, you're welcome, and thank you for your comment.

      I learnt to drive a stick shift, but haven't driven one for so long now I don't know what would happen if I were to try again now Lol

      Hugs
      Roz

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  9. I hope my guy gets home early enough tonight that I can share this with him. I think he'd agree with lots of Rick's points and I'd get a real interesting discussion with him out of it. Selfish, I know!

    Thanks for doing this Roz.

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    1. Hi Susie, you're welcome, and thank you!

      Not selfish at all. I asked Rick the question as I was genuinely interested as to why he thought this happens then decided to post.

      I hope you did talk this through with MM and am curious as to what he thought and whether he agreed with my guy.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  10. thanks for this. BIKSS eventually settled into Dom-mode 24/7 - at first it was inconsistent as well, but he told me later on that it was just cos he was unsure that he'd be able to be the man I needed / wanted, or afraid that he'd go too far and hurt me.

    so yeah, they need time to find their footing too.

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    1. HI Fondles, you're welcome, and thank you for your comment.

      Kinda makes sense that they need time to grow into it just as we do doesn't it. The more I hear the more it seems the issues and insecurities as pretty universal.

      Yeah, my guy has pretty much found his groove now too!

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  11. I loved this post, Roz and Rick. I always love to hear the HoH's point of view, it is like peeking in the boys locker room.
    Rick sounds very confident and knows exactly what you need, Roz.
    Ian has said many of the same things to me about beginning Hoh's; the trust has to be there, he has to change his way of thinking about so many things, every man is an individual, and Rick certainly had many of the same things to say.
    In particular, the part about coming on too strong was a big theme in our beginning and something that Ian and I have talked lots about. He couldn't believe I wanted it, or believe that he could whack me that hard.
    For my part, I felt the same.
    :)
    Great post.
    hugs and love
    lillie

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    1. Hi Lillie, thank you!

      Some of this made me laugh. It is like peeking into the boys locker room isn't it. Can you imagine a boys locker room full of HoH's Lol

      It does appear many of the guys have the same things to say. Worrying whether they are coming on too strong is a big one so it seems. As is trust. It is hard to comprehend why we would want to submit to be spanked and yes, maybe how hard Lol

      Love and Hugs
      Roz

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  12. Great post Roz and Rick. From what I've read of the comments, I think this is going to open up some awesome discussions around the community!

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Hi Cat, thank you very much for your comment and for the compliment.

      If others find this helpful I am both truly humbled and grateful. I asked Rick the question out of genuine interest then it occurred to me that both parties share the same insecurities and feelings so thought I would post.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  13. Excellent conversation! Talking is a wonderful things. Now in my case, it finally came down to - he didn't want the job. Total equality was simply too deeply ingrained in him for him to want to be a true HOH. I'll always be curious to know if he had really wanted to be dominate, could I have consistently been submissive. I really don't know. It took us (me) a while to find a comfort zone for TTWD for us. It's not perfect, but its way better than what we had.

    Thanks for the post,
    PK

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    1. HI PK, thank you very much :)

      I think of ttwd as an ongoing journey and a constant learning process. It is something each couple really have to find their own way in, and adapt to meet their own needs.

      I'm glad you have found what is right for you.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  14. Loved this Roz and Rick. It is always nice to get a male point of view. Ttwd is definitely complicated at times....thanks for writing this. It will certainly be up for discussion around here :)

    ~lucy

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    1. Hi Lucy, thank you so much, and you're welcome :)

      I hope you found it of at least some help, and if you did I am both humbled and grateful. Would be interested to know Ryan's views.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  15. This is a great post. I love hearing how the HOH's think regarding DD/TTWD. Lots of food for thought and discussion.

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    1. Hi Menelle, thank you so much for your comment and compliment, I truly appreciate it :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  16. Hi Roz & Rick. Thank you both for addressing this issue. The comments are really good, also.

    I just realized how late it is, so I need to get some sleep, but I'll be back to see what everyone else has to say.

    Irishey

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    1. Hi Irishey, you're welcome, thank you for your lovely comment, it is truly appreciated :)

      Yes, some good feedback to and more food for thought.

      Hugs
      Roz

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  17. Sounds like a wonderful conversation. :D Glad that it happened for you!

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    1. Hi Ana, thank you, we did have fun with this conversation. It was very beneficial to both of us too :)

      Hugs
      Roz

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  18. Thank you Roz and Rick...I love the stick shift analogy. Hearing the male point of view is VERY helpful!
    Bea

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    1. Hello Bea, Welcome! Thank you so much for reading and for your lovely comment.

      You are most welcome. I am so glad and gratified to know this was helpful.

      Hugs
      Roz

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