This got me pondering as to why this happens. What causes this stop/start, consistency/inconsistency, or apparent lack of enthusiasm on his part to embrace his role.
I had some thoughts of my own on the topic but thought I would go to a more knowledgeable source - my husband Rick. Below is the conversation we had. I even coloured it pink and blue so you know who's who (as if you wouldn't know otherwise - geez!) - cute Roz.
This is aimed more at couples starting out with Dd/ttwd. However, this issue can occur at any stage of the journey. But the further along the journey you are, the less likely it is to occur and the reasons for it occurring may be different to those discussed below. Just as submission for us is difficult to cultivate and even harder to maintain all the time. Just as it eludes us from time to time, our man's HoHy'ness can also elude him from time to time.
Ok, without further ado, below is the conversation we had. This is from the top of my head as I didn't take notes at the time (it has been checked with the boss man for accuracy though!) - fine reporter you are Roz!
Hey hon, can I ask you a Dd question. From your perspective, you know, as an HoH?
Yeah, of course.
I've read a few posts lately from some wives frustrated at their husband's lack of consistency or not stepping up as an HoH. You know, the whole stop/start thing that seems to happen early on. I was wondering what actually causes this.
Hmm, It's about trust. You question her commitment to ttwd, is she really on board. It's hard until you trust her commitment to the lifestyle fully and that takes time. You do wonder whether this is really what she wants. I know you are 100% on board. It's also about trusting that she has trust in you as an HoH.
Wow really? I haven't thought of that. Trust goes both ways eh?
Oh yeah. For Sure. Becoming and HoH is a huge responsibility and you are anxious to make sure you get it right. You worry is this what she wants? what if I'm too hard? not hard enough? You don't want to rush things and don't want to make any mistakes.
Yep, you also worry about coming on too strong and about whether you are abusing the authority she has entrusted in you.
I guess you must also be wondering Does she really want this? How can she possibly want this? and maybe even worry about her reaction if you do step up and try and spank her - Ok, shut up now Roz, let the poor man speak!
Wow, that's all really interesting. So does that mean a HoH who is slow (so to speak) is a good thing? That he's really thinking about things and that the wife should in fact be happy? He's going to be a brilliant HoH?
(laughing) Not necessarily. A man who is already dominant in nature may have no problem at all embracing his role. That doesn't mean he's going to turn out to be a 'bad' HoH.
No, of course not. I guess too, early on it's even harder if you can't deal with something immediately. You know, time goes on and feelings change and it becomes water under the bridge, especially if there haven't been any issues since. Maybe you don't see the big overall picture of what you are trying to achieve early on.
Well yeah, it is hard. You want to have the 'nice stuff'. Be loving, kind, enjoy each other. You don't want to have to deal with that.
Yeah, I can see that. I perceive in you that now days you do always think of the ultimate end goal. What you are trying to achieve for us because boy, you've really stepped things up lately. You don't have any problem with delayed consequences any more.
You're right, and I do. It's also you you know. I know you inside out, I get my strength from you. Knowing you are totally on board and that this is what you want/need. Your submission, vulnerability and femininity. It drives me to be a better man - that was my favourite answer!
You just grow into it as you learn what makes her tick. What she needs and wants.
I've been thinking some more about this since Rick and I had this discussion and a few things occurred to me that I will
Just as the husband may struggle to embrace his role, we are also struggling to find our feet within our new role and to submit to our man.
After the conversation with Rick, I realised that both husband and wife are going through very similar feelings and thought processes. Just as he is wondering whether he can trust our commitment to a Dd/ttwd relationship, we are questioning whether we can trust him to lead us and take on the role of HoH. As he is wondering whether this is what we want, we are wondering whether this is really what he wants etc.
A lot of what the HoH is thinking and feeling can equally be applied to us from our perspective. It is like a game of tennis. We are both playing the same game, but from different sides of the net.
I also see Dd/ttwd in the beginning like learning to drive a manual. You release the clutch, press down on the accelerator and bunny hop along for a little while. Then you find your stride, cruise along nicely for a bit then all of a sudden oops, there's a stop sign. You stop at the stop sign, take off again and bunny hop along for a little while then find your stride again until you come across the next stop sign.
So, what can we do if our man is not 'stepping up' to his role, or doing so in a stop-start fashion? I think we need to communicate our wishes and needs to him in a respectful manner. Communication is of utmost importance within a ttwd relationship.
We also need to try and be patient. Give him time to grow into his role, just as we need time to grow into ours. Above all, try and fulfil our role to the best of our ability, even if we don't think he is fulfilling his. Why? Because the more submissive we are and the more we defer to him, the more dominant he feels, and vice versa.