A New Look and An Update

I have been redecorating.  Did you notice??  Huh .... did ya??

A huge thank you to Wilma for creating the header and for helping me with the new background etc. Actually, help is a big understatement!  Did I mention she also has the patience of a saint. Dealing with copious emails and questions from me.

Thank you Willie!!  I truly appreciate you giving you time to my little 'project' :)

Speaking of Scrappy ... Scrappy had been keeping a low profile ... until recently that is!  (S)he has slowly but surely been making a reappearance recently.  Rick has certainly noticed this too and has commented on it.  In fact, just this evening he said something along the lines of "hmm, you really are getting Scrappy again aren't you".

I feel as though things with us have, well, stagnated.  I mean, we're not in a bad place, but we don't seem to be moving forward.  We are, dare I say it, 'comfortable' - eek! We are still dealing with issues life is throwing at us right now and it has made it difficult to take time out to just focus on us.

With following of rules being 'optional' (shall we say) and no role affirmation (or any other spanking for that matter) I feel as though I am starting to take some control back and retreating to miss independent mode.  Of course, being able to make my own decisions and not being held accountable isn't helping.

As I mentioned previously a lot of the basic structure of our dynamic remains in place.  However not being held accountable when I fail in those expectations is hard.  I am trying to maintain my submissiveness and continue to behave in the same way as before our break.  However recently I have been slipping and as much as I am trying to keep to our established rules, I am starting to let them slip.

Now why is that?  Why do I need his dominance and to be held accountable to maintain my submissiveness?  Surely I should have this.  I should be able to maintain my submissiveness without these things.  I mean, I desire this lifestyle, I desire to submit so why then is this happening? Perhaps, as much as I hate to say it, this exactly why role affirmation works for us - dang it all!

Although it feels as though we are treading water right now trust and confidence are returning and I wonder whether things will just naturally slowly return to 'normal'.  Perhaps without us even realising it.

I just have to add that we have now secured tickets to the Boss.  Yeeesss!!  They sold out very quickly so we were lucky. We tried to get our tickets in the pre-sale but by the time we tried, there were obviously only a limited number of the tickets we wanted in the pre-sale and we missed out.  As you can image, Rick was like a caged lion.  He didn't rest until the tickets went on general sale and we had obtained ours.

Congratulations Sarah!!!

Just a quick note to acknowledge that Sarah of Clear as Mud completed her first Half Marathon on Friday night.  I think that is pretty awesome!  Her dedication to achieving her aim has been steadfast.

Congratulations on reaching your goal Sarah!  Way to go!

I pinched the pic from Katie of This Whole Thing.  I hope you don't mind Katie :)

The Bad .. The Ugly .. and The Boss

Recently I have talked about earthquakes and the fact that Rick and I are going through a bit of a rough patch and have put certain aspects of our dynamic on hold while we work though these issues.

Sorry but this post isn't much different.  If you've had enough of hearing about all of that (I'm actually bored with it myself!) please feel free to skip this post.  Oh, there is some good news if you can bear with me :)

We are working through things and are slowly regaining both confidence in our roles and trust.  It feels as though we are moving forward and putting the incident behind us.  A number of people commented on my previous post that it seems we have not actually put our dynamic on hold.  I hadn't really thought about it that way but I guess that is true.  A lot of the structure remains in place and many of our rules are being loosely observed.

Most of the rules are in place for a good reason and are things that matter to us. They are things I do out of love and respect and therefore I am continuing to observe them.  Others, however are in place more to reinforce our roles, such as asking permission for certain things.  These rules have been taken off the table for now along with role affirmation and consequences.

Putting some aspects of the dynamic on the back burner has been good for us.  It has allowed us to just focus on us and on reconnecting.  We are taking things slowly and I hope that we will come out of this even stronger.

It's fair to say that last week was the week from hell, which has also meant little time to just focus on us.  We had some serious external issues to deal with as well as work issues.

Did I mention earthquakes earlier?  I did?  Our week from hell culminated in another 6.6 earthquake Friday afternoon, a month after the earlier big quake.  Its epicentre was in the same place and we had been having constant aftershocks during the month from the previous quake, although we weren't feeling many of them.

This one was even more scary as, unlike the first one, it was during the week so we were in the city at work.  Fortunately Rick and I were together when it hit.  We were out on the street at the time making our way back to work which made it even more scary.  All cars on the roads around us at the time immediately hit the brakes and stopped.  It was Erie.

There was no major damage or injury, although there has been substantial damage in the towns closer to the epicentre, but the scene was pretty chaotic.  Traffic immediately jammed with people trying to get ot of the city and we were evacuated from buildings etc.  There were people everywhere and emergency sirens blaring and vehicle's galore.  The rest of Friday night also saw a number of fairly large aftershocks, some not much smaller than the original quake.

Now we go through another round of aftershocks from this quake although again, we haven't felt that many of them.  I probably made it sound more dramatic than it was.  Still, it was a scary experience and I am unnerved and on high alert praying that this swarm of activity would just stop.

Ok ... now I have gotten the doom and gloom off my chest, onto the good part :)

Although Friday was an extremely difficult day it did have a silver lining.  Those of you who have read here for a while may recall that Rick is a huge Bruce Springsteen fan.  The Boss is his absolute idol.  You may also recall that Bruce is currently in the middle of a massive world tour.  We expected that he would play some concerts 'down under' sometime early this year.  Australia was a certainty, but little ole NZ not so much.  We waited with baited breath when the Australian tour dates were announced last year to see if NZ was on the schedule.  It was a possibility given the scale of the tour.

Our hopes were dashed.  Tour dates for Australia were announced but no NZ concerts.  Rick was so disappointed, as was I as thanks to Rick, I have become a fan also.  I also wanted this so badly for him.  Travelling to Australia for a show there just wasn't an option for us.  The Australian dates occurred during March this year.

In the early hours of Friday morning an announcement was made that Bruce would again be touring down under in March 2014 and guess what .... this time a date in NZ has been confirmed!  We had no clue before the announcement that he would be returning to Australia, let alone NZ!  I think we are both still in shock!

Rick and I are both so excited.  I am so thrilled that he will get to see his idol.  It truly is a dream come true for him.  Rick has seen Bruce a number of years ago on a previous tour here.  However, he says his dream was to get to see him again and with me at his side this time.  How sweet is that!

Rick will be going to see some some of this

I will too but if you ask me he also hasn't got a bad body, especially for his age :)

Taking A Break From DD

Thank you so much for your wonderful and encouraging comments on my last post and to those of you who contacted me to check in.  I can't tell you how much your support has meant to both of us.

Life has not been smooth in Rick and Rozzie land recently.  We are working through things and working very hard to reconnect and move forward.  I'm happy to say we are making good progress.  I know it is going to take some time and perhaps patience to rebuild trust, but we are getting there and slowly moving forward.

In my last post I talked about consequences for the HoH when he makes a mistake. I have seen that there most definitely are consequences, just not the same consequences we, as TiH face ... well, unless you deploy the Rogue method that is :)

This has been very hard on Rick. He has felt a tremendous amount of guilt and is also devastated that my trust has been ... well ... dented.  It has also shaken his confidence and right now he doesn't feel he has the right to lead.  Therefore, he made the decision to put DD on hold to give us breathing space to work through the issue as a couple.

From my perspective, I think it was a good decision for us.  Also, we both know that if Rick continued to lead right now it would feel forced which would not be good for either of us.

I have been quite surprised by his reaction and how seriously he is taking this.  This has also been a good thing as it has shown me his commitment to us and to our relationship which has helped slowly restore my faith in his leadership.

We have done a ton of communicating and have been working hard to move forward and are feeling much more connected again.

It feels strange.  No rules. No consequences. NO ROLE AFFIRMATION!  Yippee!  I should be over the moon and going crazy doing whatever I want ..... right?  Well .. no.  BTW, what does a TiH do as soon as rules are taken off the table?  Yep ... she pays a visit to the hairdresser! LoL.  I did talk to him about it first and reassured him I would not do anything drastic and that I would stick to the usual boundaries. Still, I could tell he wasn't overly happy about it as he didn't think my hair needed cutting anyway.  It certainly felt strange to him not being able to say no LoL.

So what does this mean? I guess perhaps the rules haven't been taken off the table as such, but they are not being enforced.  I am continuing to adhere to some rules and some we have let slide.  The rules I am adhering to are rules that really matter to him/us.  They are about things like checking in and letting him know my whereabouts when apart so that he knows I am safe.  They are really more expectations, although they are expectations with consequences.   Some specific rules, such as asking permission for certain things .... like haircuts :) have been taken off the table.  It has been so strange 'telling' him things I am going to do rather than asking if I can.

Ultimately, our interactions have not really changed.  The underlying foundations of our dynamic are very much still there.  DD has given us tools to communicate better, create more closeness and generally enhance our relationship.  I am convinced if we never go back to DD (although I can't see that happening) these tools will remain with us.

Rick is regaining his confidence and I sense he is tentatively reaching out for his HoH hat, but just not quite ready to put it back on his head yet.  To be honest, I'm not sure that I am ready to fully embrace my role yet either.

We had a lovely night Saturday night just connecting as a couple.  It was what we needed.  We cooked a lovely meal together.  Once we finished eating he got up and came round to stand behind me still sitting at the dining table and gave me a neck and back massage.  Later, I tentatively asked him how he felt about spanking now and he said he just wanted to focus on us right now ... then he followed up with "That doesn't mean I won't tan you hide for fun" LoL.  Let me just say he has retained his dominance in the bedroom :)

Sunday morning we were discussing something in bed, trying to decide what to do. He wanted to know what I thought.  I couldn't make up my mind so he made his up and said "I've made a decision".  I looked at him and said "Hey, you're not supposed to do that right now are you?" LoL.  Yep, I think he is starting to get itchy palms judging by some of his comments and looks!

I'm not sure how long it's going to take, but I'm confident that this

Will soon return to this 

 In the meantime.  I've already had my hair cut.  I'm wondering what else I can do.  Any suggestions? :)

An Update and When the HoH Makes A Mistake

I want to start by saying thank you so much for your lovely comments on my previous post and thank you to those of you who have contacted me over the last couple of weeks.  I can't express enough just how much your loving care and concern has meant to us.  Thank you so much for thinking of us and keeping us in your prayers.

Two weeks on we are still be rocked by aftershocks.  Most of them  are small and we aren't noticing them.  However, every now and then a larger one arrives.  All this leaves me still feeling a little unnerved.  I can't help it.  It's the fear of the unknown and whether we will have another, more sizable quake.

Mother Nature is being rather quirky right now (definitely a woman! LoL).  She has given us earthquakes to deal with on one hand and blessed us with some lovely weather on the other.  We have had a fairly long run of lovely fine, sunny days with temperatures hovering around 13 - 14 degrees Celsius.  Not bad for the middle of winter!  Having said that though, I believe the forecast for the coming week is for some showers and rain.  Oh well, I guess we can't complain since we haven't seen any rain for a while now.

Last week saw a major challenge for both our relationship and dynamic.  One of the things about DD is that it is unequal.  By that, I am not in any way saying we are not equal partners, but the HoH leads the relationship and the TiH submits to this authority.  This division of power is no more evident than when it comes to consequences for ones actions.  As TiH's we have certain rules to follow and behaviours expected of us and when we fail to adhere to those rules, or to meet expectations there is a consequence.  We are spanked, there is forgiveness, a reconnection and the issue has been dealt with and put behind us (pardon the pun).

What then happens when the HoH makes a mistake?  We are all after all only human and as much as we like to think of our HoH as infallible, being human means they are fallible sometimes,  Just like us.  However, unlike us there is no such consequence for his actions.  Actually, I don't think that is entirely true, but I will get to that later.  How do we as the TiH feel when the HoH makes a mistake and how do we resolve those feelings?  What about his feelings?  He is likely feeling the same feelings of remorse, disappointment etc that we feel when we make a mistake.

I hope what follows does not come across as an attack on Rick.  It is certainly not my intention.  I want this blog to be an honest account of our journey.  All of it, not just the good parts.  Also, I hope publishing this may be helpful to some of you. Rick has read this BTW.

To put it bluntly, Rick made a huge mistake last week.  I knew something was amiss and started asking questions and he confessed his actions.  This left him feeling incredibly guilty and me feeling disappointed and confused.  This particular issue is one that we have dealt with in the past.  In fact, it last reared its head not long after we started our DD journey.  Neither of us really knew at the time how to deal with it and it nearly derailed our dynamic.  We worked hard to deal with the situation and get past it and to continue our journey into DD.

Given the history, I was astounded that we were once again faced with this issue.  It has caused so much distance and lack of trust before that I felt sure it would not happen again.  After all, some of the cornerstones of any good relationship and particularly a DD relationship are honesty and trust.

I felt devastated and disappointed.  It also made me question my trust in Rick and worst, how much I mean to him if he could do this.

Rick on the other hand has been feeling deeply remorseful and unworthy of leading us.  We nearly decided to put our dynamic on hold for a while to allow us to deal with the issue.

Back to consequences - I mentioned above that there are no consequences when the HoH makes a mistake.  Well, I don't believe that is entirely true.  No, there is no spanking or any other punishment.  That's not to say there are no consequences however. He has to deal with his own feelings of remorse and work hard to regain the trust in him that has been lost while continuing to lead his family.  In some cases he has probably lost some confidence in himself as a leader as well.  He has to make amends.

We have had some tough conversations this week in an attempt to move forward and we are slowly getting back on track.  I know we will come out the other end of this and perhaps be even stronger.  Rick has worked extremely hard to reassure me of his love for me and his commitment to us.  I know he loves me and that he is committed to us, but this did knock me for a six and left me questioning.

Though we had this misstep.  Rick is my HoH and my Daddy and I love him unconditionally, more than anything and I know we will weather this storm.