Sunday 6 October 2013

Two Years and Finding Our Way Back

I know what I want.  You can give me the gift of your submission.

No.

Wait a minute ... what??

This was a conversation we had about a month back. We were talking about Rick's upcoming birthday.

It has now been two years since we introduced DD into our relationship.  Two years and it feels as though we are back at the start when we first introduced it ... or not.  Make sense? No?  Ok then.

If you follow here you will probably know that we put our dynamic on hold a while ago.  We had hit a brick wall.  Trust had been broken between us and Rick had lost confidence in himself as HoH and no longer felt he had the right to lead our relationship.  This hiatus was to allow us time to rebuild that trust, confidence and reconnect without the pressure of DD and to concentrate on just being 'us' for a while.

It seems that taking a break is not uncommon and it seems many couples do, from time to time take DD 'breathers'.  I think we all have times when we need to take a step back and take some time to think things through.  Evaluate what is and what isn't working.

We fully intended to resume at some point.  Well, as I alluded to in my previous post, that point is now.  We have now reintroduced DD into or relationship.

The hiatus has been ... interesting.  It gave us a chance to see what DD has done for us as a couple and as individuals. Our basic structure remained however specific rules, consequences and role affirmation were off the table.

Since introducing DD we communicate much better and on a deeper level and are more aware and accommodating of each others thoughts, feelings and needs. It has also brought a much deeper level of intimacy and connection that I never thought was possible.  Simply put, a whole new way of interacting and a much greater level of intimacy. Speaking of ... did I mention the changes in the bedroom? Oh, I didn't?  Oh well, never mind :)

During the hiatus I tried to keep to the rules, even though they weren't being enforced, because they are things that are important to both of us.  For a while I wasn't doing too badly (I hope think Rick would agree with me!) but over time I started letting them slip further and further.  This disappoints me because the fact is, I want and desire to submit to Rick.

Why then should I need the rules to be enforced in order to obey them?   I should be able to submit without the threat of consequences because I want to.  Right?  Sadly, that wasn't exactly what happened.  I need to feel his dominance, that he is leading us and that he has me in order to fully submit.  I guess it's true, dominance and submission really do feed off each other.

I may have slipped to a degree on adhering to the rules, however the way we interacted remained the same.  We continued to treat each other with mutual respect and communicated well.  I think a lot of changes that have occurred in our relationship over the last two years would remain, even if we never fully went back to DD.  It's just who we are now.

Over time I started to regain the trust I had lost and it was becoming increasingly obvious that Rick was regaining his confidence.  All throughout our hiatus he would 'suggest' things.  What he thought I should do in any particular situation etc, but then say it's up to me. That was so foreign to me and it must have felt the same to him.  It took a while to get used to not being 'told' and not asking permission for certain things, or to undertake certain activities.

It was a huge period of adjustment for both of us.  I have to say I began to enjoy the freedom of having no rules. Perhaps a little too much!  Being able to please myself, go where I wanted, when I wanted, buy what I wanted etc.

But

I no longer felt safe and secure or as connected to Rick.  I really missed the structure and level of intimacy and connection that DD somehow seems to provide.  I didn't feel as cared for, even though I knew he didn't love me any less than he had before our hiatus.

Now ... back to the beginning of this post ... about a month ago Rick asked for my submission again and I said no.  Why on earth did I do that?  I want this lifestyle, I love that he leads our relationship.  I find ultimately deferring decisions to him and feeling cared for and protected at the same time freeing.

It had been obvious for a while before Rick asked for my submission again that he was feeling a lot more confident in himself and that he was beginning to feel ready to once again don his HoH hat.

A few days before he asked I shared that I felt we weren't as connected and that I was afraid of loosing 'us'.  Therefore, when he asked for my submission again, I wasn't sure if it was really what he wanted or whether he was doing it for me, because of what I had said to him.  I didn't trust that he was truly ready himself to come back to DD.

So, I said no and told him it was because I wasn't sure he was truly ready.  In hindsight, I know I should have trusted his motives at the time and that he wouldn't suggest re-starting DD unless he truly felt ready.

I confess I was also conflicted at the time.  Yes, I am thankful that we embarked on this lifestyle and wouldn't want to go back.  But, I had also become somewhat independent and, as I mentioned earlier, was enjoying the freedom.  I told him as well as not being sure he was truly ready that I wasn't sure whether I was ready.

To be continued ...

48 comments:

  1. I love this post. It is all so very complicated at times. I do think when in a relationship like DD or TTWD, the dynamic needs each person to focus on the reciprocity of the roles. Both need to feel confident in what they give to the other. When one is floundering the other needs to step up to the plate...boosting the others confidence. Communication, respect, trust and love...! All so important.
    Glad things are steadily working there way back to your normal!

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    1. Hi Minelle,

      Oh it's very complicated at times isn't it? LoL. I totally agree, there does need to be reciprocity and we need to help each other find and maintain that confidence.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  2. What a wonderful post. So heartfelt. I am so happy you are working towards the reconnection you both desire.

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    1. Thank you so much for your lovely words Sunny :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  3. I was thinking of the title of your post - finding our way back - in reality what you are doing is moving forward. Relationships progress and evolve, the path is bumpy but you two are rebuilding something that will be better and stronger.
    Hugs DF

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    1. Hi DF,

      I really appreciate your comment because I hadn't really seen in that way ... that we are moving forward rather than finding our way back. I guess it is true, and you are right. Relationships progress and evolve.

      Thank you :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  4. That which is worthwhile is not usually easily attained. Altho my situation is different, I have been thinking along the same lines. My recovery is not going well, and although Master is a great cheerleaser, and is doing His best to anticipate my needs, it has turned our dynamic upside down. I have let go of most of the expected rules and rituals, and He says nothing. Will we ever get back...i honestly dont know.
    Everyone's dynamic is different, and we all work out what is best of us......hubby seem to be on the right roadl
    hugs abby

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    1. Hi Abby,

      I'm so sorry to hear your recovery isn't going as well as you hoped. It's not surprising your dynamic is taking a bit of a back seat at the moment. You need to focus on your recovery.

      From what I know of your Master (at least what I think I know LoL), I am sure he is focussing on your health right now and giving you space to heal and that you will get back to your normal once you are fit and well again.

      ((Hugs))
      Roz

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  5. Hi Roz, I loved your post. You are really good at explaining how you feel. I am glad that you two are getting back to the way you want to be. It's a complicated life isn't it?
    love Jan.xx

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    1. Hi Jan,

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment :)

      We are slowly getting back to where we want to be. Oh, it can be SO complicated at times can't it? LoL

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  6. Roz...so glad things are looking up! We have had a few small breaks from ttwd...and I am just no good at it. I, like you, need to feel secure and connected....and I have found we just don't feel that way without it. Makes you wonder how in the world we lived without it all those years, huh? Life can certainly be a complicated mess at times....and I am happy it looks as if you are on the other side :)

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    1. Hi Lucy,

      We are slowly getting there. It's funny how it just doesn't feel right without it and how we don't feel so connected isn't it? Oh, it can be so very complicated *sigh*

      Yes , it does make you wonder LoL. I guess I just know that it works and wouldn't want to go back :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  7. I can understand your husband's hesitance. I'm an Hoh who has had plenty of times where I didn't lead at all in the marriage. It wasn't that I let my wife walk all over me, but I didn't try to lead her or with other things in the family that didn't directly involve me.
    Sometimes the man is just content to let the woman lead. Sometimes the man there might be a sexual aspect to it where the man fantasizes about a woman who takes control in bed - both of these were true in my case.
    That being said, ask yourself "If I really want to submit to my HOH in a DD relationship, then why do I resist it?" Would one who really wants to submit really say 'no'? I've heard your reasons, and maybe he's just doing it for you. But if so, so what? If he shows willingness to lead, I'd say let him do it, and let his motives and thought process work itself out in time.
    Those are my two cents, but understand I'm in no way a DD expert. Maybe I'm an isolated male voice in a largely female DD blogworld, but such are my thoughts. I think things will work themselves out!

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    1. I don't think you are way off here at all Foothills. I said the same thing, ( basically his motivations for doing ttwd aren't important { I mean provided it is still healthy} that one has to TRUST their spouse and their reasoning) . That being said as the TiH it isn't as easy as it sounds. Wanting this relationship and just submitting. Just as it isn't as easy as , " oh just spank " for the HoH. So very, very multi layered. If only it was so black and white! But then again, where would the 'fun' be in that?

      Roz, I guess I don't have anymore to add here than you have already subjected yourself to over the past couple of months! Other than, happy to see you are now in a position where you found your words and were feeling good enough about them to share!

      Love ya
      willie

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    2. Woman are very complicated, you'll get no argument from me here on that one :) I think we are all inconsistent - we say be believe or want one thing but our actions show that we don't - at least not completely. Of course you're right this isn't a 'black and white' thing.
      Trust is huge though. Hang in there Roz - just keep on keeping on with your marriage, and the DD parts will resolve in time.

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    3. Hi Foothills. Welcome! Thank you so much for reading and for your comment. It is always great to hear the HoH perspective.

      I guess there are a lot of reasons that an HoH may loose confidence in his ability to lead. You and Willie are both right too, I needed to trust his motivation for wanting to take up the leadership role again.

      Yes, we Women are very complicated creatures at times LoL. Willie is right, it most definitely is not always easy to submit, even though we may want this kind of relationship. It can be especially hard if you are used to having that control and those old habits are so hard to break.

      You touch on another important issue too, consistency is so important in a ttwd relationship and that consistency has to come from both of us.

      Hi Willie,

      Thank you for your comment on this post and for the support and advice you have given me during our hiatus. You gave me a lot of food for thought. Of course, you are right, I need to trust Rick's motives rather than second guess.

      Love ya
      Roz

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  8. This was a lovely post to read, i dont think its so much going backwards but rather forwards on a different path.

    I also think its beneficial for both sometimes to take a 'step outside' , change can be scary (i hate change) but oftentimes i think going through this...you come out the more stronger for it..rather than letting it burn out.

    if that makes any sense lol

    x

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    1. Hi Tori,

      Thank you for your comment, it makes a lot of sense :) Thank you for pointing out that we are actually moving forward. As I said to DF, I didn't see it that way.

      I agree, I think we do need to take a step back sometimes. I hope we will come out of this even stronger.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  9. You were right to say no if you weren't absolutely sure it was the right thing for both of you at this moment. But I think things are heading in the right direction for both of you. We never found that and we never will so I'm very envious.

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    1. Thank you Elis,

      We are still taking things very slowly, but we are heading back to where we want to be. We still have a long way to go.

      I wish so much for you that your relationship dynamic was want you want it to be.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  10. Roz, patience can be difficult, but you and Rick do it very well. I think it's because you rely on each other to keep your eyes on each other and your ultimate goals for your marriage. Either of you could have rushed and pressed, especially when you really miss(ed) that closer, deeper connection. Instead, you both remained steadfast in allowing the hurts to heal and trust to rebuild.

    You know I always have been in your cheering section - both of yours. I love that you both dug in and are fighting so hard together, even if there has been a more tenuous interaction between you. You both were still in it, just with milder, different rules of engagement.

    Hugs to both of you.

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    1. Hi Irishey,

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment. I think we both recognised that it was better not to rush things, although I did keep trying to test the waters to see if he was ready to return to our dynamic ... then, when he said he was, I said no. Talk about confusing! LoL

      We are still taking things very slowly and still have a ways to go.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  11. I love how the two of you are working together to find that special connection again. :-) Hugs

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    1. Thanks Terps :)

      We are trying to make our way back to what feels right. It's very slow going though and we have a way to go, but we are getting there.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  12. I enjoyed reading about your break. I'm glad you are coming back together and on the same page. I'm frustrated with an obedience issue right now...don't WANT to obey. So maybe I shouldn't read about breaks lol..

    Glad you are doing well :)

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    1. Hi Stormy,

      Thank you :) We are slowly getting there ... very slowly LoL

      I'm sorry you are feeling frustrated at the moment. That is such a tough situation .. when it's something you don't want to obey or submit to. It gets messy at times doesn't it?

      I'm late with my replies so I hope you have now resolved things.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  13. Roz....this was a great post and I love how you are able to say how you feel. I happy to hear that you guys are working on your relationship. I agree with the others, I don't think you're going back...I think you're moving forward possibly in a different way.

    Subrina <3

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    1. Hi Subrina,

      Thank you for your kind words. We are slowly making our way back to where we want to be and hopefully moving forward.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  14. I'm looking forward to reading the rest Roz. I agree...I think most of us take breaks in one form or another. It is good, hard and growing...if that makes sense.

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    1. Hi Susie,

      Um, yes, I must work on part 2 LoL. Taking breaks in some form does seem to be common at one point or another. It has been a confusing time for both of us I think, but we are slowly making our way back to what feels right. I dunno .. it's just hard isn't it? Hopefully though, as you say also a period of growth.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  15. I know this is to be continued but I can already see how this break is proving to be valuable...how it's going to allow you to make a well informed decision about things going forward. It took sometime to adjust to the break, and it will no doubt take time to adjust to wherever you guys are heading now...but that's kind of exciting too I think:)

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    1. Hi Tess,

      Oh gosh, it has certainly taken time to adjust .. both to the break and re-starting our dynamic LoL. We are still taking things very slowly and kind of letting things evolve.

      It has been an interesting experience and we have certainly learnt from it. I'm excited to see where we will go to from here.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  16. First off all, congrats on 2 years! I agree with DelFonte, I think you're moving forward. So, perhaps you took a bit of a detour. I think we all do that sometimes. Life is messy and gets complicated sometimes. What's important is that you're finding your way together! (((hugs)))

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    1. Hi Grace,

      Thank you :) It certainly does get messy and complicated and confusing at times doesn't it?

      Yes, we are fining our way back to what feels right, we are taking it slowly. You know, it kind of really does feel in some ways similar to when we started 2 years ago. It's funny.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  17. I love that you two are working together. And I love that just because DD was taken off the table, it wasn't thrown out the door. There are/were a few crumbs lest on that table.
    Anxious to read the rest. :)

    Hugs

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    1. Hi Sarah,

      Thank you :) I like what you said about not throwing DD out the door LoL. Our basic structure was in place and it was both a confusing and interesting time I think learning how to maintain that without the rest. Accountability, role affirmation etc.

      We are slowly making our way back to where we want to be.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  18. It happens that way sometimes but am so glad you both are in a much better place with each other my friend.

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    1. HI Angel,

      Thank you. We are in a much better place and slowing making our way back to where we want to be. We still have a way to go but we are getting there.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  19. Roz everything evolve and you two are also developed. I am sure that this hiatus was important because you would reevaluate what you're doing.
    I am sure that you will go ahead with the et that suits you.
    It might not be the same TTWD that you have had, but there will be another TTWD or otherwise.
    Take care of your new feelings and take them into what you will create. It can enhance what you want to create.
    You feel like you know of a wise reason:
    IT IS YOU.
    Do not deny those feelings.

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    1. Hi Mona,

      Thank you :) I think sometimes we need to take a step back and reevaluate where we are and where we want to be. It has been an interesting, learning and confusing experience but we are slowly making our way back to where we want to be.

      At the moment, we haven't really made many changes to what we had prior to the hiatus, but I think that is mostly because at the moment we are focussing on re-establishing what we had. I suspect we will make some changes though.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  20. Roz,
    Tough stuff! Its so not easy sometimes and can be deeply complex.
    But detours can be so important to show us where we have been and where we are going.
    And I think, as long as communication is open and present, all things are possible. You are moving forward! Maybe you don't know where, quite yet but it is forwards. A relationship only belongs to those who are in it and taking the time to figure out what works, is so important...whether that's 5 months in or six years. Huge hugs my friend!

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    1. Hi Bleuame,

      Thank you :) It's so not easy is it? I agree, sometimes taking a step back can be a good thing because it does show us where we have been etc and is a great learning experience and period of growth.

      We are slowly making our way and focussing at the moment on reestablish ttwd as it was before. However, I suspect there may be some tweaking later on.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  21. Roz,
    You always inspire through your words. So happy to hear that you two have moved through the issue, and are building something even stronger than what you had before. I'd imagine a tremendous amount of learning and growth has occurred for you both - personally and as a couple.

    Elisa xoxo

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    1. Hi Elisa, It's great to see you back :)

      We are slowly getting there, just letting things evolve. As I said above, at the moment we haven't really made changes, but I suspect that will come.

      It has certainly been an interesting and confusing experience LoL. I think it has been a period of growth too. Our basic structure remained in place so we both had to dig deep and work hard to maintain that without the rest ... rules, accountability etc.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  22. I am sorry that I am so behind. I really loved all that you have shared with us. I think I too would have been tempted to say no for the exact same reasons you listed here, many of us would. So... what were those bedroom things you were thinking you'd mentioned? ;)

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    1. Hi Es May,

      Please don't apologise ... never too late :)

      Thank you so much for your lovely words. I must get to work on part 2 of this! Bedroom things? Did I mention bedroom things? ..... LoL

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  23. Hi Roz, :)

    I'm very tardy here! I apologize. I'm trying to catch up!

    I love this post! It all kind of just becomes the way we live in many ways, doesn't it? I imagine that it did feel strange to go without ttwd for that period of time. At the same time, things were still very much in place in some important ways, it sounds like. Sometimes it helps to take a step back and get some perspective. Growth ensues! Looks like you two have done wonderfully there! I'm off to read part two! Many hugs and congrats on two years!!!

    <3 Katie

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    1. Hi Katie,

      Please don't apologise. I really appreciate you coming back to read :)

      It definitely did feel strange being without ttwd. Just didn't feel 'right'. Having said that though, you are right, a lot of the dynamic was very much in place throughout.

      Sometimes I think it is a good thing to take a step back and evaluate things. Certainly I think it has been good for us adn we have learnt from the experience.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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