Sunday 20 October 2013

Finding Our Way Back Part 2 ... Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I posted part 1 a couple of weeks ago and apologise for the delay in getting around to part 2.

As I mentioned in the previous post, Rick had asked me for my submission again and I said no, because I wasn't convinced he was truly ready to don his HoH hat again.  I thought he may have been doing it for me, in response to me telling him that I missed the connection we had and was afraid of loosing 'us'.  A couple of very good and very wise friends told me I should have trusted his motives for wanting to re-start DD and that he wouldn't have broached the subject unless he truly was ready.  They were right of course and I think I knew it deep down inside, yet, I still said no.

I think Rick was somewhat stunned and confused by my response, especially after what I had told him earlier.  To be honest, I think I was stunned and confused as well at the time!  He said it was OK, he was completely fine about it if I wasn't ready and that there was no rush.  I didn't know quite how to take that.  Do you want to resume DD or don't you?

Then commenced the dance.  For the next couple of weeks we discussed resuming DD off and on.  I would dither  and he would reiterate that there was no rush.  This carried on for a while even after I said I felt that I may be ready.  It was a game of will we, won't we, maybe and it left me feeling confused for the most part.  I was still unsure myself and I was also unsure as to whether it was what he really wanted given that he kept saying there was no rush.

Isn't hindsight a wonderful thing?  I now realise that he recognised that I wasn't ready and wasn't going to force the issue as both partners have to be on board and fully committed in order for DD to work.  In fact, he has always said if at any point it isn't working for one of us then we stop.

I stopped telling him I thought I was ready to restart and starting telling him I was ready.  For a period however, we both kept insisting there was no rush.  I know ... maddening ... not to mention confusing!  

Eventually after some very nice bedroom time during which I have to say we both played our Dominant/submissive roles quite nicely (but I digress :) Rick simply stated the rules were henceforth reinstated.

So ... that was the (rather messy) path to re-starting DD. How have we been doing since?  I know you're dying for me to tell you!

Well, in my previous post I said it feels like we are back at the beginning ... only not.  What I mean by that is that it feels as though the process is very similar to when we began.  We are taking things very slowly and just letting things evolve.

Writing lines last weekend was the first punishment Rick has given me since re-starting.  Prior to that he would talk to me about any issues, rule breaking etc and give me a lecture and a warning.  I know he was giving me space to get back into a submissive mindset.  He told me as much.  That is very much how it was when we first incorporated Dd.  We also haven't reinstated role affirmation, although he is now planning to .... more on that later.

Where it differs is that we are slowly re-introducing things, like role affirmation, that were present previously.  They are no longer 'firsts".  We haven't introduced anything new into our dynamic and none of the rules have been altered.  I think at the moment Rick's focus is on reintroducing what was in place before the hiatus. 

Rick is definitely settling back into his role and becoming more and more comfortable wearing his HoH hat.  As for me, I'm struggling.  As much as I crave and need this lifestyle, I am struggling to play my part.  To obey his instructions and follow our rules.  Last weekend was obviously the last straw for him, hence the lines.

I would love to say that after that I found my submissive self again.  Over the last week there have been a few slip ups, including failing to follow bedtime instructions again just a couple of nights later and breaking my rule of not playing with the phone in bed.  

I am fortunate that I have not been punished again. However, Rick did give me a firm lecture the other day.  His view is that sometimes a lecture on its own is enough of a consequence, and it definitely can be enough for me.  I think I have mentioned before that lecturing is something he has never struggled with from the very beginning.

Anyway, during this particular lecture he told me I have to play my part as well and that he thought I wanted to submit to him and that he wants me to because I want to rather than have to (so to speak).  When I tried to reassure him I do want to he looked me in the eye and said "actions speak louder than words".  Yeah, ouch! He is of course right.  It takes both of us to participate, it doesn't work one sided. We need to support and encourage each other and I am afraid me not doing my part may knock his confidence again.

He also told me I needed a 'good' role affirmation session. Eeek!  It is yet to happen but will be soon.  I'll be honest and say I'm nervous about that because it has been so long. I still struggle somewhat with being naked and kneeling, although I understand why he insists on it and agree with his reasons.  I could really do with your support and encouragement.  I don't want it, yet I do.  I know it is what I need and relish the feelings and connection afterwards.  

He has no idea how effective that lecture was.  I have been pondering his words ever since and have also been chatting to a few friends who have been invaluable in helping me process things.  Thank you so much for your amazing support and advice.

I feel as though I am now finally starting to regain my submissive mindset.  I think I'm simply struggling to readjust after the freedom I had during the hiatus.  I admit, I was torn about giving that freedom up when Rick first said he was ready to reinstate DD, yet I know it is what I want and need. I do think that I need to feel his dominance and for him to be stricter with me right now.

So, that is where we are at the moment.  Two years into this dynamic and it feels as though we are at the beginning in some ways and in other ways not. It feels that way but in reality, I know we are evolving.

Speaking of change, I thought I would highlight some of the changes we have experienced over the last two years.

We communicate more

We communicate better

We listen more

We laugh more

We touch more

We are more affectionate with each other

We speak to each other respectfully and respect each other's point of view

We are both more confident.  This is particularly true of Rick and he is also more confident in other areas of life such as his career

We argue less

We distance less

and best of all ... we love more

We have seen some amazing benefits both as individuals and as a couple and, although I may be struggling a little right now, there is no way I want to go back to life before DD.

60 comments:

  1. That is a pretty amazing and wonderful list of accomplishments. I think submissives all struggle at one time or anther with the ...i need it, but not sure i want it...syndrome, especially after a hiatus.
    I am also apprehensive right now with the naked kneeling..it has been 2 months since last time....my body is different.....arghhhhhhhhh
    we will both get there.
    hugs abby

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    1. Hi Abby,

      I'm sorry your recovery hasn't been as you hoped and was so glad to see you post and to hear that you are now starting to feel better.

      Oh yes, the I need it, but not sure I want it syndrome ... maddening! LoL. Really though, we know we both want and need it.

      Role affirmation hasn't happened yet (circumstances), so I am still apprehensive about it, especially the naked kneeling. The selfish part of me says it's nice to know I'm not alone in this. We can send positive vibes to each other. We know we will get through it and that we will both get there :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  2. I love your list of accomplishments. When you take a look and see how far you have come in this lifestyle, it makes it easier and encourages you to keep going. I understand how your feeling. It must be hard to find your submissive mindset sometimes after a hiatus. When I find myself struggling, I stop and think about how my actions or not following his
    lead really does hurt him and sometimes that's enough to bring my submissive side back.

    Just trust him and follow his lead. He will lead you to the happy place you both want to be at.
    Hugs
    Kim

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    1. Hi Kim, and thank you :)

      I am struggling a bit, but not as much now ... thankfully because I know this is what I both need and want.

      You're right, pausing to reflect on how far you have come is a great motivator. You are right too about considering how my actions affect him ... thank you for that :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  3. It is as if we are committed when we act a certain way. Often we need to be really consistent when we have stopped doing something. I know it sounds trite to compare but I am thinking about dieting. When you fall off the wagon you need to get back on track by being really basic. I am happy that things are falling in place for you both.

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    1. Hi Minelle, thank you :)

      So right, we can say we are committed but we have to back up those words with our actions. Rick words really did hit the mark and make me realise this. I'm so glad we are slowly getting back to where we want to be.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  4. It can be tough when you feel like you've had a setback. I have spent years as an "all or nothing" kind of girl. Setbacks for me feel like the end of the world. It feels like you will never get back to the good place.

    The funny thing is there is no place to get to. You guys are doing fine. It is totally normal and okay to just feel what you feel. Take your time (dare I say no rush) trust yourself and each other. Things will go where they are intended to.

    Lots of love and hugs,
    TL

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    1. Hi TL,

      Very wise words ... thank you :) You are right of course, there is no destination in ttwd, it is constantly evolving as we grow and change ... and we are slowly letting things evolve again :).

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  5. Having not yet finished my coffee, I can't claim to be completely coherent yet, but, yay!!
    Glad to hear that things are smoothing out.

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    1. Hi Lil,

      Thank you ... and you were very coherent :) Yes, are moving forward nicely, we are taking it slowly and letting it evolve.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  6. i'm so glad to read you are back on track. Though you may be struggling a little, this post affirms where you want to be with your relationship. Stating all the positives at the end is awesome!

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    1. Hi HS, thank you :)

      Writing this was a good exercise for me, I'm feel like I'm starting to get the submissive mindset back slowly. Including the positives we have experienced was good as it encourages me more :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  7. Hi Roz, When you read the lists of positive things that have come from this lifestyle I think you know that it is time to just let go. Come on Roz just jump in the deep end and submit gracefully, you can do it. I hope that once your role affirmation is out of the way you can perhaps get where you both want to be.
    love Jan.xx

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    1. Hi Jan,

      Thank you so much for the encouragement :) I am starting to feel that submissive mindset returning. The role affirmation hasn't happened yet due to circumstances, but I think it will go a long way in moving us forward.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  8. I'm so happy for you!

    When I read this I see struggles and trials but through those things we grow and learn to become a better versions of ourselves with someone special.

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    1. Hi Misty,

      I love your words and I think we have both learnt some things and grown from this. We are slowly getting back on track and just letting things evolve.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  9. I know you commented after I commented on Emi's last post so maybe you already read what I put there, if so move on..LOL. I think of it like cliff jumping ( although who am I kidding here, I've never done THAT). It is terrify to finally step off the cliff, but after coming up for air once you hit the water, you realize how fantastic it is. Of course you have to keep climbing the cliff over and over again, and prepare yourself for that leap of faith again. That being said, eventually the fear of jumping isn't as great.
    IF you haven't had your reconnection yet, just be honest. Tell Rick right before that you are nervous. I did that after Barney and I had stopped for a bit. He looked me right in the eye, put his hand out and said 'Me too". We aren't the only vulnerable ones after a break.

    It will be okay Roz. Like 'ripping off a bandaid' . The wound has healed underneath. Trust that. The thought of it is more frightful than the actual event. ( okay well maybe not! LOL. I mean your bum is 'new' again...LOL)

    love ya
    willie

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    1. Hi Willie,

      Thank you for your lovely words :) I like the cliff jumping analogy , although I haven't done that either! LoL. Sometimes we do have to just take that leap of faith.

      Role affirmation hasn't happened yet due to circumstances so I am still apprehensive about it, but at the same time I know I am in good hands :) I told Rick when he 'announced' that it will be reintroduced that I was nervous and like Barney, he told me he will be too.

      I'm sure hoping the thought is worse than the event ... but as you said, my bum is definitely not used to it. The playful swats I have received hurt so I'm not looking forward to the paddle!

      Love ya back
      Roz

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  10. Happy that things are progressing well. Everything you said is worth the trials and tribulations of this journey. Life is a learning process and we have to keep learning if we want to experience growth.

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    1. Hi Sunny,

      You are absolutely right, it is definitely worth it :) Learning and growing, it's what it's all about.

      I'm very happy we are starting to get back on track.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  11. A great list of accomplishments - something to be proud of going forward.
    Hugs
    DF

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    1. Thank you so much DF, it really helps to reflect on that list going forward .. and to try and add to it :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  12. It appears to me from reading this and your previous post that although it may have been a difficult time, your both coming out of this stronger, confident and lessons have been learnt.

    These are all positive things, you have learnt more about each other, what you both want etc.

    Change is needed, so the relationship can evolve.

    x

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    1. Hi Tori,

      I think we have definitely learnt a lot from this experience and I have noticed Rick definitely seems to be more confident in his role and showing more dominance.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  13. Hi I'm glad that things are coming together for the both of you. hugs, saturn

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    1. Hi Saturn,

      Thanks so much :) Yes, we are slowly moving forward to where we want to be and just letting things evolve.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  14. So glad to hear that you are getting back on track. I think when you start something again it's going to take a while for you both to get back to where you were. I loved the accomplishments list.....I'm happy for you!

    Subrina <3

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    1. Hi Subrina,

      Thank you so much :) We are taking things slowly and letting it evolve, but I have noticed Rick is far more confident in his role and more dominant. I just need to catch up! LoL

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  15. I think that if this is what you really want, then you have to leap back in there. But you do need to be absolutely certain. To move slowly the way you are, is perhaps, the most sensible thing to do. Feel your way. It's when one partner starts pushing the other, that you can start to back pedal. I feel you either need to proceed hand in hand, or Rick needs to hold our his hand (like Barney did) and encourage you forward.

    I am so glad things are so much better for you now.

    Hugs

    Ami

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    1. Hi Ami,

      Thank you, very wise words. I think it was a bit of both. Me taking that leap plus Rick holding out his hand.

      Taking things slowly was the right thing I think. We both needed that time to process and to be sure, but we are definitely on the same page and we are very much getting back on track.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  16. Hey Roz :)

    I loved your list, that shows your growth and that even you took a break, the fundamental part of your relationship never changed. I do however understand how hard it is to find that submissive head space after such a break.

    Funny we call a non DD period as freedom, but deep down its living within this dynamic is what's freeing. Just getting there is sometimes hard, but you seem to be doing good, and one step at a time will make you stronger.

    I hope your reconnection will work out for you well, as I know the nervous feelings which are there after a while of not bein spanked. But knowing you guys, I'm sure Rick will make it special and you will find it as just what the doctor ordered :)

    Hugs x

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    1. Hi Missy, thank you :) It is funny how we call it freedom isn't it because you're right, I too find living within DD to be freeing. I definitely didn't feel as secure during the hiatus. It is now feeling as though we are well on the way to being back on track and I am now getting back in the right head space.

      It took us ages due to circumstances, but we have finally had the reconnect ... and you were right :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  17. Replies
    1. Hi Elle, thank you :) and apologies for the delay in replying.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  18. I love your list of all the positive benefits you have both gained in your relationship - that is certainly something special to hold onto. No doubt you will both find your way in your own time and come out stronger and closer than before. :-) Big Hugs!

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    1. Hi Terps,

      Thank you for your lovely words. Writing these posts and reflecting on the positives has really helped. Also, Rick seems to be even more confident in his role which of course, has also helped LoL

      We are moving back to where we want to be and I am slowly finding my submissive mind set again.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  19. I know I struggle with DH not being dominant like I think he should be dominant, but when I finally could let it go, I think we moved a huge step forward together. Now, no matter how un-dominant it sounds when he says go in the closet, I do it, because I know this is how he does it and gets back into it, trusts himself.

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    1. Hi Julia,

      You are so right. It's about letting go, trusting and letting them lead their way, rather than how we perceive they should lead. Thank you :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  20. Glad to hear you guys were able to reconnect at a pace that owrked you both of you! Sometimes a little break can help strengthen the dd dynamic. I love the list on how things have improved for the two of you! Geat post!

    -Tasha

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    1. Hi Tasha,

      Thank you :) We are definitely progressing to where we want to be now, and I am slowly fining my submissive mind set.

      I think the break has made us stronger in many ways.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  21. Roz, don't know if any of this will fit your situation or not--when I have experienced a break in my trust, I want to forgive and move on. However, as much as I want things to be wiped clean there's always that little nagging part in my brain that says what if? Is it possible that even after working through whatever instigated the break, both of you have that tiny bit of apprehension that has what if stuck in your brain?

    So what if starting over isn't starting from scratch but starting from a place with your previous knowledge and experience. You've already made a long list of improvements ttwd has brought to your marriage. I can only imagine Rick and Roz's ttwd phase 2 will be even better as trust and confidence are rebuilt. If there is any little bit of what if left for you, I bet as it dissolves your actions will be on board with your words! Clara

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    1. HI Clara,

      Thank you very much for your insightful comment. It gave me much to think about. I think a little part of 'what if' still lingers. However, we are both now a lot more confident in our roles. Rick definitely seems to be more confident in his HoH role now.

      I like your second paragraph, you explain it so well .. starting from a place with previous knowledge and experience. I think the break has been good for us and that we have learnt a lot out of it and hopefully will end up stronger for it. I am finding my submissive mind set more and more.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  22. Hey Roz...why should you 'find' your submissive self? Hmmm...you said it all when you listed the changes that have occurred since you and Rick began DD. Just remember who this man is to you and what you want to accomplish.

    If you are tempted to break a rule, you might look at it this way...Rick loves and respects you enough to make the rules, so you need to love and respect him enough to abide by them. Just a suggestion...

    Sending lots of positive energy for both of you.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Hi Cat,

      Your comment got me thinking, and you are right of course. Thank you :)

      Things are getting very much back on track now ... and I am managing much better with following Rick's rules :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  23. What a great list of positive changes to keep and reread wjen you are feeling anything but submissive :-) it does make all the struggles worthwhile :-) keep up the good work my friend you are both getting there xxx

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    1. Hi Kiwi,

      Thank you. Writing these posts and the comments has really helped. Also, Rick seems to even more confident in his role which of course has greatly helped me in rediscovering my submissive mind set LoL.

      We are progressing to where we want to be. This weekend has been another step in the right direction. Might post about it :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  24. Hope that things continue to progress in a way that helps you reach into yourself and find your submissiveness easier.
    Hugs,
    Bea

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    1. Hi Bea,

      Thank you for your lovely words. Things are slowly progressing to where we want them to be. Rick has been great and seems to be even more confident in his role which is helping me. I am regaining more and more of the submissive mind set.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  25. Happy for you, & I hope things continue to move forward comfortably for both of you. And, I understand the "starting over" feeling, as I am learning my way as a new submissive... So this was a great read for me.

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    1. Hi there, Welcome! Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I am so glad if you found his helpful in some small way.

      Things are progressing well and we are getting to where we want to be. Clara said it well above. We are starting from a place with previous knowledge and experience.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  26. I am so happy for you! And suddenly very sad for myself. Something to think about, obviously!

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    1. Hi Saoirse,

      Thank you. We are working our way to where we want to be. I'm sorry things with you aren't where you want them to be right now.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  27. Roz, I just LOVED this post. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. I especially loved your list of changes in your marriage since you started DD, and no matter where you are at right now on your journey, that you would never want to go back to a life without DD. {{{HUGS}}} I hope the bedtime rule works out for you... though I'm so bad with mine too, lol, though I know it is there for my health... it's still so hard to follow! lol

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    1. Hi Es May, Thank you, you always make me smile :)

      Oh yes the bedtime thing. Such a struggle for both of us huh? You're right though, it is there for our benefit, yet for some reason so hard to follow!

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  28. Yay, i'm so happy for you both that things are back on track. I'm sure the break gave you both a new perspective, and you'll be able to use that perspective to make DD thrive. The struggle, in one way or another, will probably always be there with DD, it's about using the struggle to come out on top! :)

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    1. Hi Kenzie, thank you :) We are moving forward to where we want to be. I think the break has been good for us and we have learnt some things from it.

      I think you are right. This lifestyle isn't easy and there are always struggles, but it's how we overcome them that matters.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  29. Hi Roz, :)

    I loved your list of accomplishments as you've looked back at how you've both grown! It's wonderful and you should be very proud of yourselves.

    I like how you two have taken some time to really be sure that it's what you want, and that you are both ready to move forward. Only good things can come from that. I like Willie's idea of verbalizing your feelings of anxiousness around your first RA and checking in with Rick to the same when you move forward. You'll do just fine I bet because it will be what works for you both! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    1. Hi Katie,

      Thank you for taking to time to catch up on my posts and comment. I saw each of your comments as they came through on my phone as I was having a terrible night sleep that night and gave up LoL

      Thank you for your lovely comment. I think taking things slowly was the right thing. We did both have to be ready to move forward and we are now moving forward to where we want to be.

      We have now had our first role affirmation since re-starting so the anxiety around it, for both of us, is now thankfully behind us (pun intended :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  30. Hi Roz,

    I read this twice :) Thank you for sharing so openly - It's really interesting what you're doing and I want to know more about how it progresses. I am thinking role affirmation is like maintenance night, yes? I am curious how you and he respond to that after this time apart.

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    1. Hi Natasha, thank you for reading and commenting. Writing these posts about the hiatus and re-start has really helped me.

      Yes, our role affirmation is very much like maintenance. Rick dislikes the term maintenance so for us it is RA. It took us a while due to circumstances but we have finally had our first session since the re-start. Rick seems to be even more confident and dominant now and did things very differently this time, though I think in future he will revert to conducting it in the same way as before the hiatus. A gentle reintroduction he said. he also said something about me being out of practice LoL. I will probably write a post about it.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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