Monday, 10 June 2013

The Yin and the Yang

I had a very interesting conversation with Rick some time back now about common feelings and concerns experienced by TiH's and was curious to hear the HoH perspective.  Whether our HoH's have the same feelings and concerns.  During this conversation I discovered that these concerns are mirrored by him, but from a different angle, from his perspective as HoH. Kind of like the yin and yang of DD.


Rick and I by no means consider ourselves to be experts and I certainly don't feel 'qualified' to give advice.  Nor do I wish to come across as either condescending or pretentious.  However, I found this conversation so interesting that I thought I would share.

We all know that as a TiH we make ourselves extremely vulnerable.  Many of us talk of 'needing' our HoH and of sometimes feeling as though we are placing a burden on him with this 'neediness'.

Rick has told me time and time again that I am never a burden.  It is his job to take care of me, he relishes taking care of me and that it makes him feel masculine.  But does he feel it too?  Does he feel 'needy' of me and a certain vulnerability?

Well, the answer is most definitely yes.  Caring for me and loving me has now become a need in him.  It fuels his feelings of masculinity and the increased intimacy and connection make him feel more protective toward me.  These feelings were present before, but they are so much more heightened now.  As much as I at times feel needy of him it turns out he too needs me.  Perhaps this goes someway to explaining the greater level of protectiveness many of us experience from our HoH's.

Another common thought many of us have is wondering whether it will all become too much for him.  Surely he will get to the point where he desires a woman who isn't so 'needy' and who doesn't need/want her husband to lead her and be the decision maker.  I discussed this with Rick too and his response was that on the flip side he is thinking along the following lines:

She is a grown, strong, independent woman
Am I being too hard on her.  Too restrictive.  Too much of a tyrant. 
Will she suddenly decide she wants 'freedom' and to find a man who doesn't desire that level of control and to be the decision maker.

For those who have brought ttwd to their husband and are fairly new to the dynamic, inconsistency can be an issue.  Many TiH's struggle with the fact that their husband doesn't seem to be stepping up to his end of the bargain and that he is being inconsistent.  We wonder why he just isn't 'getting it' and why he isn't stepping up.

While we are struggling with our own thoughts/feelings and coming to terms with our submissive role, he is doing exactly the same thing.  His thought process is a little like this:

How can I possibly spank her?
What gives me the right to make decisions for her?
How can she possibly want this?  And perhaps most importantly
What will her reaction be if I do try to spank her.  She says she wants this but I don't know.  What if she cries assault

I think it mostly comes down to trust.  He needs to trust that she really does want this lifestyle.  Even though she says she does, he needs to trust that.  She also needs to trust him to find his way and to start leading his way.  Remember that in this situation the TiH has been researching this lifestyle for some time and has some idea of what she wants and how she envisages it will work for them as a couple.  He, on the other hand has only recently found out about it and needs time to research and process his own thoughts/feelings.

The best thing a new TiH can do is reassure her HoH that this is truly what she wants and that she is committed to the lifestyle and encourage him, especially when he does step up.  He needs this as much as we do and especially when new to ttwd.

40 comments:

  1. I'm sure this information is helpful to those
    "newbies" that are struggling with their decision.

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    1. Thank you Sunny, I hope so.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  2. Such great answers from Rick. Thanks so much for sharing the HOH side.

    hugs
    bg

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    1. Thank you bg, you're welcome :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  3. I remember Fireman having a lot of those feelings when we first began, too. Great post! I always feel like I "need" him, but I do often wonder if he "needs" me in the same ttwd way. :)

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    1. Thank you Elle,

      I think these are very common feelings, both for the TiH and HoH. We often don't think about the fact that he needs us just as much.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  4. This is a great post Roz :)

    We've had this same conversation a couple of times now, especially since things went pear shape and we had to find what works for us. Of course were still trying to find our feet, but having been through what we dd, and in a way, exactly these thoughts being what broke us, we've come to the conclusion, that only complete an honest talks will help us along.

    We both hid a lot of our feelings, not wanting to burden the other with it. Now even if the talks get very intense and sometimes awkward, we continue. We have the understanding now, that no matter what the other feels, we respect that, not laugh at it, not dismiss it, but to work together to deal with it and find a solution, which works best for us.

    I think we all fall in to this trap of expecting far too much from ourselves and then the same from our partner.

    Thanks for sharing this post Roz, it helps to read another HOH's point of view x

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    1. Hi Missy,

      Thank you so much. You make some excellent points. Communicating our thoughts and feelings and realising that by doing so we are not burdening our partner IS so important, as is respectfully listening and not dismissing our partners feelings.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  5. Trust is so important in every relationship. A great discussion for anyone interested in beginning TTWD. Hugs!

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    1. Thank you Terps,

      Trust and communication are both vital in any relationship.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  6. Fab post! Hearing the HoH viewpoint is so important. It not only shows trust but balance, which I suppose may seem odd because many see TTWD relationship as one-sided, but it is a two-way dynamic.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. Hi DF,

      It does seem a bit odd doesn't it? but really, I think there is a real balance in a ttwd relationship. Dominance and submission really do feed off each other.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  7. Hey Roz :)

    Ryan and I had sorta a similar conversation a few weeks ago. He admitted something pretty profound...well atleast to me it was. He said that he asks me to trust him 100%...and in the time that we have started ttwd...he has not given me that trust. His reasons are a lot of the ones that you listed in your blog. I think it is hard for any man to believe that we really do desire to live this lifestyle. I think Ryan is struggling with a real fear that one day I will decide that this lifestyle is abusive and that I want out. Maybe one day I will write about it....but it was a big turning point for us. We forget that we ask so much of our Hohs.....and that they deal with a lot of the same trust issues that we do.

    Great post Roz...thanks :)

    Hugs....

    ~Lucy

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    1. Hi Lucy,

      I imagine from their side of the fence it must be difficult for our men to get their head around us wanting this lifestyle. Rick also says to me that he still sometimes wonder how I could want this, and just why it works. At the end of the day though, I guess we just know that it does.

      We do ask a lot of our HoH's and it is so easy to forget at times that they too struggle at times with with many of the same things we do.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  8. We do ask a lot of them but if we are doing this right they are getting a lot from us as well. This is a great representation of the fears they face and will help many I think. We all benefit when we get to see how they think. I know for me, posts like this often spur conversations between the two of us and help to move us forward. Thanks.

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    1. Hi Zoe,

      Thank you :) The fact that our HoH is our leader means we often overlook the fact that he has fears just as much as we do. I think in this lifestyle we each ask a lot of each other, but also give a lot to each other.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  9. Great post! It is always good to have an HoH thoughts. I struggled wit that neediness thing a lot, then one day Master asked me....Do you not think I need you??..
    hugs abby

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    1. Hi Abby,

      Thank you :)

      It is so easy to overlook the fact that they need us too and that they have fears every bit as much as we do isn't it?

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  10. Thanks for sharing a different point of view. Great post!

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    1. Hi Sarah, thank you, you're welcome :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  11. This was great, really liked it, because I was wondering all the same things at the beginning of starting this type of relationship. We are no experts at all, but at least I no longer feel like a burden or work (most of the time at least)...

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    1. Hi Julia,

      Thank you :) These do seem to be very common fears for most of us.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  12. I don't think anyone would ever consider you preachy Roz. You share your struggles along with the rest of us, when you 'discover' something about your relationship and you share what you think, that is not preachy that is just more of your 'adventure' in ttwd- that you are kind enough to share.

    Interestingly enough, Barney hasn't ever expressed a concern over a fear of me really not wanting this. Just saying of all his 'set backs' fear of me crying abuse was not one of them. Hmmm I wonder why that is????lol

    love,
    willie

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    Replies
    1. Hi Willie,

      Awe, thank you so much because I am certainly no 'expert' and was concerned this may come across as me being a 'know all'. I just found it interesting and hoped it may be helpful to some to share.

      LoL ... I don't think Rick really worried about whether I would cry abuse either! LoL

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  13. This was great and I really liked reading his thoughts/responses... I actually wish it were longer. Please do more :)

    love sara

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    1. Hi Sara,

      Thank you so much! I think it is always interesting and beneficial to see things from the 'other side'.

      I will have to see what I can do :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  14. You are not at all preachy. I value the experience of someone who has been in the trenches so to speak. Bucko and I have had this conversation and we have found similar things. It's all about talking about the fears and working through it together.

    Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Hi TL,

      Thank you so much :) As I said to Willie, we are certainly no 'experts' and I was worried about coming across as a 'know all'.

      I agree totally. It is about communicating our fears and working through it together.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  15. Hey Roz...Great answers from Rick and I love the way you laid it out with his/hers. Thanks so much for sharing the HOH side.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Hi Cat,

      Thank you so much, you're welcome :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  16. Great post roz its alwys good to learn a hohs point of view :-)

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    1. Hi Kiwi,

      Thank you :) It is always interesting and beneficial to hear things from the HoH side.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  17. It is like stripping bare insecurities, wants, needs and desires in order to start a new. It affects both the HOH and the TIH.
    Great information and dialog.

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    1. Hi Minelle,

      Thank you :) I love how you said this, you are so right. We also so often overlook the fact that he has needs, insecurities etc too.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  18. I love hearing from the other side, he had some great responses! Very thought provoking post. :)

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    1. Hi Kenzie,

      Thank you so much. It is always great to hear his point of view. We so often don't realise that he has the same thoughts, feelings, fears etc we do from his perspective.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  19. I REALLY needed this post. I am soooo thankful you shared. You did not come off as a know it all at all. :) This has given me a lot to think about. The Duke has been trying to say something similar to these statements, but I wasn't quite understanding. Going to sit down with him and show him this to see if it's true for him too. :) Thank you for letting us see this part of Rick. And you're right, we spend months envisioning how it will all be, and then slam dunk our husbands into it, sometimes with no warning. We have to remember to let them catch up. lol

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    1. Hi Es May,

      Thank you so much :) I'm so glad you found it helpful and hope that it is/was also helpful in your talk with the Duke.

      You are so right, when we bring this lifestyle to our husband we do have to realise that he needs time to get his head around it and catch up to us. So many TiH experience frustration with seemingly lack of action on his part early on when really, he is still processing and coming to grips with the idea.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  20. Hi, Roz. Sorry I haven't been able to read this sooner, but since I was away, I missed some great stuff here! I was just reading this perspective, and I asked my husband if in fact he feels the "neediness" too...his answer was quite shocking to me, but he said, "yes." I guess I never looked at it this way, but wow, such an eye opener. It really has made me realize that I am guilty of not reassuring him enough because at times I doubt my own wants and needs. He is wonderful at reassuring me, but this post really made me think, and made me want to try harder to commit my full submission to him. I feel that he has "stepped up" at this point, and I need to do the same. Thank you so much, Roz.

    Hugs,
    Marie

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    1. Hi Marie,

      Thank you so much for your comment. I am so glad you found it helpful and that it lead to you talking to your husband. We are quite often so busy dealing with our own thoughts and feelings that we overlook that fact that he may be feeling the same way, from his perspective. I think too that the fact that he is our leader adds to this.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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