I had a very interesting conversation with Rick some time back now about common feelings and concerns experienced by TiH's and was curious to hear the HoH perspective. Whether our HoH's have the same feelings and concerns. During this conversation I discovered that these concerns are mirrored by him, but from a different angle, from his perspective as HoH. Kind of like the yin and yang of DD.
Rick and I by no means consider ourselves to be experts and I certainly don't feel 'qualified' to give advice. Nor do I wish to come across as either condescending or pretentious. However, I found this conversation so interesting that I thought I would share.
We all know that as a TiH we make ourselves extremely vulnerable. Many of us talk of 'needing' our HoH and of sometimes feeling as though we are placing a burden on him with this 'neediness'.
Rick has told me time and time again that I am never a burden. It is his job to take care of me, he relishes taking care of me and that it makes him feel masculine. But does he feel it too? Does he feel 'needy' of me and a certain vulnerability?
Well, the answer is most definitely yes. Caring for me and loving me has now become a need in him. It fuels his feelings of masculinity and the increased intimacy and connection make him feel more protective toward me. These feelings were present before, but they are so much more heightened now. As much as I at times feel needy of him it turns out he too needs me. Perhaps this goes someway to explaining the greater level of protectiveness many of us experience from our HoH's.
Another common thought many of us have is wondering whether it will all become too much for him. Surely he will get to the point where he desires a woman who isn't so 'needy' and who doesn't need/want her husband to lead her and be the decision maker. I discussed this with Rick too and his response was that on the flip side he is thinking along the following lines:
She is a grown, strong, independent woman
Am I being too hard on her. Too restrictive. Too much of a tyrant.
Will she suddenly decide she wants 'freedom' and to find a man who doesn't desire that level of control and to be the decision maker.
For those who have brought ttwd to their husband and are fairly new to the dynamic, inconsistency can be an issue. Many TiH's struggle with the fact that their husband doesn't seem to be stepping up to his end of the bargain and that he is being inconsistent. We wonder why he just isn't 'getting it' and why he isn't stepping up.
While we are struggling with our own thoughts/feelings and coming to terms with our submissive role, he is doing exactly the same thing. His thought process is a little like this:
How can I possibly spank her?
What gives me the right to make decisions for her?
How can she possibly want this? And perhaps most importantly
What will her reaction be if I do try to spank her. She says she wants this but I don't know. What if she cries assault
I think it mostly comes down to trust. He needs to trust that she really does want this lifestyle. Even though she says she does, he needs to trust that. She also needs to trust him to find his way and to start leading his way. Remember that in this situation the TiH has been researching this lifestyle for some time and has some idea of what she wants and how she envisages it will work for them as a couple. He, on the other hand has only recently found out about it and needs time to research and process his own thoughts/feelings.
The best thing a new TiH can do is reassure her HoH that this is truly what she wants and that she is committed to the lifestyle and encourage him, especially when he does step up. He needs this as much as we do and especially when new to ttwd.