Sunday 10 March 2013

Thinking On His Feet

In my last Q&A post I asked why it is that I expect, when it comes to discipline, that my husband has thought every little detail through beforehand.  That he has the whole thing planned out and sticks to it.

The reality of course is that he has a basic plan, but lets the little details 'happen'. He acts according to my responses and reactions.  This is a good thing right?  So why does it sometimes bother me if I sense he is thinking things through on the spot?

I've had some wonderful responses to this question and I thank those people that commented.  You have given me some great food for thought.

Last Saturday we had an example to illustrate my question that I thought I would share.

Rick had told me role affirmation would happen Saturday night.  Normally he likes to do role affirmation (or any punishment spanking for that mater) early in the evening so that we can enjoy the rest of the evening together feeling connected.  This usually means I sit down to dinner on a rather tender behind LoL.

Last Saturday he changed things around on me from the start.  We had been out and therefore decided on takeaways to make things easier.  Usually we would go straight home first, do whatever is needed there, RA would occur and then we would head out later on for the takeaways.  This time however, he decided on dinner first.  He said it made sense since we were already out.  I fleetingly thought to myself, does this mean he has either forgotten, or decided against RA?

After dinner we watched a couple of shows we had recorded.  I was in my usual spot on the floor between his legs while he played with my hair etc.  Once the last show ended I turned around to face him and rested my head on his thigh.  We sat there like that for a wee while.  Him stroking my hair and just looking at and smiling at each other.  Then he started saying things like "you're my girl", "you submit to me".  I can't exactly recall what else he said but he finished with "sometimes you need to be reminded" - Uh Oh! Ok, I guess he hasn't forgotten RA then!

He then told me to go to the bedroom and remove everything except my panties. Thank heaven for small mercies, I'm allowed panties this time? - well, briefly at least.  As is customary for me, I fussed a little and went in for a cuddle before moving.  He responded with "No whining.  I told you to do something, now do it".

For some unknown reason I felt the need to check instructions so as I stood up to go I asked him to repeat how he wanted me.  "Everything off but panties".  I could see the cogs start to turn and as I was halfway to the door he added "and I want you in the kneeling position".  Oh, this is new!  It was something he hadn't 'planned' on.  It only occurred to him to add this element when I asked him to clarify instructions.

When he came into the room the first thing he did was ask me what the whining and fussing had been about.  He told me when he gives me an instruction, he expects it to be carried out without protest.

The conversation part of the proceedings started with me still kneeling in front of the bed.  He asked three 'simple' (not!) questions.

What do you get out of this dynamic?

What does our relationship get out of this dynamic?

What does Daddy get out of this dynamic?

Wow, talk about having to think on my feet!  I can't quite remember what my responses were but I can tell you those aren't easy questions to answer in that position while waiting to be spanked!

Again, this was new and I could tell that he had not planned this ... um ...  change in usual procedure.

I still don't fully understand why it throws me when he lets things flow as he sees fit rather than follow a plan.  He has definitely found ways to make each role affirmation unpredictable and different.  Perhaps it's the added level of vulnerability I feel.  I need to know he has plan and everything worked out?  I'm still pondering and the feedback I received on my last post has certainly helped.

I guess this is good though.  I don't think following a pattern is necessarily a good thing.  You can get too used to how things are going to play out, which in turn can allow me to 'steel' myself so that I don't fully soften to him.  In addition, I think it provides more scope for us to read each other and act in accordance with each other's reactions.  That's gotta be a good thing too.

34 comments:

  1. I think Master does the same, mostly because, I think, so I don't think that there is a set routine, to keep me a little on edge. Thanks for the question to Master, we will see if I am right!
    hugs abby

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    1. Hi Abby,

      I absolutely think that is part of it. I also think he has a basic idea of how he wants things to go and what he wants, but leaves the details so that he can adjust and react according to my responses, which is a good thing.

      Thank you for putting my questions to your Master. You did well guessing what his answers would be!

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  2. I would think it is helpful so things do not become banal.
    If it helps you both continue to grow than it is a good thing.
    I was also thinking that if you were getting punished he would think and alter things based on your reactions and responses, so why not in this instance?

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    1. Hi Minelle,

      Thank you. What you say makes absolute sense. It does keep things fresh, especially with role affirmation and I think gives us more growth and closeness. That's a good thing!

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  3. Keeping it fresh is always good and change is growth, so it's a win win for you both.

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    1. Hi Sunny,

      Thank you. You are right, it is a good thing and I think I'm starting to get my head around why him playing this by ear sometimes throws me.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  4. I like routine as much as anyone, but spicing things up can be nice, too. You have a good man there, Roz.
    hugs
    lillie

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    1. Awe, thank you Lillie,

      Changing things is good, it keeps me on my toes and keeps things fresh. I think it also allows for more growth and closeness.

      I just sometimes have a hard time when I see that he is playing things by ear. I think I'm figuring it out though. I think I mistakenly see it that he isn't in control, whereas of course, he is in control from the start and remains in control.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  5. Roz...I am so not good with change...but the ladies ahead of me here...have pointed out that change is good to keep things fresh....someone may have to remind me of that very soon. What is up with these men??

    Hugs...

    ~Lucy

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    1. Hi Lucy,

      You too huh? LoL. I guess change is a good thing. Keeps us on our toes and keeps things fresh. I think it also allows for more growth.

      I think I'm figuring out why I have a hard time sometimes when Rick just lets things play out rather than having it planned out. I think I see it that he is not in control whereas, of course, he is in control from the start and remains so.

      Give Gracie a huge cuddle for me :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  6. I think it would make sense that people respond or change according to the needs and dynamics of the moment. And also, as stated above, while routine is comforting, change offers a fresh newness about it. Take care!

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    1. Hi Terps,

      Exactly! - I know this, and know that it really is best this way. I just have a hard time sometimes when he goes with the flow of the moment rather than having things planned out - sigh. I'm beginning to figure out why though I think. It's about not thinking he is in control, which of course, he is.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  7. Even in role affirmation, if everything happened in the same way each time it would get boring and repetitive. If you have used those questions right from the start of Dd the answers are bound to be different now to what they were initially. Therefore, if you are looking for different outcomes, you are looking for movement and growth. Good relationships are organic - they evolve continually. I know I like to be kept on my toes, and I'll bet that goes for most people.
    This is the sort of change I'm all in favour of!

    Hugs,

    Ami

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    1. HI Ami,

      Thank you for your comment. You raise some really good points that I hadn't thought of. The answers to those questions would be different now than when we started out and we are indeed looking for growth.

      I also agree that good relationships evolve continually and I too do like being kept on my toes. I just have a hard time sometimes when he just lets things flow instead of having it planned out. I think I see it that he's not in control, whereas as been pointed out, he actually is in control from the start and remains in control.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  8. I think we all feel reassured by routine, but then completely doing the same thing can get stale, and routine, and then not be as significant or bring us to that more vulnerable place. Grant uses some of both too, as he sees what he thinks I need.

    Sara

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    1. Hi Sara,

      I agree entirely with you. Doing the same thing is not as significant and the rewards aren't as good. Rick does some of both, so there is always a level of familiarity but it allows us to truly react and respond according to each other's responses. That is a good thing.

      I'm beginning to get my head around why it sometimes unsettles me when he goes with the flow rather than planning things out. I was mistakenly seeing it as he not being in control.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  9. Hey Roz...I agree with you and the ladies above...routine in discipline can cause you to focus on the steps rather than feelings and results. Additionally, no matter what type of spanking, the reactions can be different based on emotions, mindset, etc. so the actions need to take that into account.

    Sounds as if you two are doing great. ;)

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. It sounds like he is going to take the two of you on a exciting journey.
      How good is it that he keeps changing things so that your relationship don't get stale. It also sounds like he wants you to grow more.


      Bob

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    2. Hi Cat,

      I agree, there does have to be room to adjust to the thoughts, feelings and reactions in the moment. It really is best this way. I'm figuring out why it sometimes throws me when Rick doesn't have everything planned out and am now realising that he is actually still in control.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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    3. Hi Bob,

      Thank you. You are right, he I know that he is trying to ensure we continually grow in our relationship. I suspect you are also right in that he wants to see some more growth in me.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  10. Well...you know I've been thinking about this and MM has been throwing me for a few loops. I know I learn more when I'm taken out of my comfort zone. I don't really like it though Roz. :)

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    1. Hi Susie,

      It is difficult when they change things around on us isn't it?

      I know you've been thinking about this too and hope that the comments on this and the previous post have given you some food for thought in processing your own thoughts/feelings.

      As I've said to the others, I think the reason I am thrown when Rick lets things play out instead of having everything planned is that I see it that he is not in control. That in turns makes giving up control and being vulnerably difficult for me. The comments here have helped me realise that in fact, he is in control from the beginning and remains so.

      I'm going to pop by your place shortly to read your latest post :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  11. Mixing it up can be a bit disorienting sometimes but I do like more than I don't. I know the questions would have been tough for me on the spot like that. You both seem like you are doing well overall. That's nice.

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    1. Hi Zoe,

      I think changing things around is a good thing to, and I too think I like it more than not. I just have a hard time sometimes when Rick just lets things flow rather than having it all planned out. I think it see it as him not being in control. I'm not starting to realise though that he does remain in control.

      It's best this way really though isn't it? It allows to adjust and react according to the emotions, feelings etc and each others reactions which ultimately gives us more growth.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  12. Wes is doing his own thing as well so I can relate.
    Bea

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    1. Hi Bea,

      It's always comforting to know others are thinking and feeling the same way. I guess ultimately changing things on us and keeping things fresh is a good thing.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  13. i think you have it a nut shell in your last paragraph...but also as sara says routine comforting...on the other hand...isnt it great when they are thinking about it...for me it makes it even more real that Sir is thinking about it and coming up with ideas for himself instead of me always suggesting which takes away from the "real" side of things.
    I think this is good...i liked your post Roz, thanks for sharing (Im glad im not the only one who fusses and whines before actually jumping to do as Im told)
    hugs kiwi xxx

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    1. Hi Kiwi,

      Funny, writing so often helps us to process doesn't it?

      That's a great point too, I guess it does make it more real when they are thinking about it. I guess I was seeing him thinking on the spot as him not being fully in control. I now realise that is mistaken thinking on my part.

      LoL, I fuss and whine EVERY time! He is getting less and less tolerant of it now though. As I said in the post, he let me know that was unacceptable that time!

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  14. Oh Roz
    I so understand what you mean. If my husband ever changes anything, I totally lose it and get confused and act out. I don't know why.
    But reading your blog this last couple of times and the replies you've received has been making me think and it's helping.
    Sorry I don't have any advise, but I agree with the others that change doesn't have to be bad and makes things more interesting, maybe ???
    Sorry I'm so crap at giving advise :(

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    1. Hi Missy,

      It is comforting to know others feel the same way. I'm so glad if these posts have helped you in processing your thoughts and feelings.

      Change really is good though, and it can mean growth. Taking us out of our comfort zone can be a good thing.

      My main issue here was expecting him to have everything planned out instead of letting things play out in the moment. I think I saw it that he wasn't in control by doing that, and that made it hard for me to give up control an become vulnerable. I'm realising that he actually still is in control.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  15. Those are hard questions, but good questions for sure. Sometimes Cael will ask similar ones and I usually try to just say first thing that comes to mind, how graceful or ungraceful that may be! Also, my faaaave spot is between his legs as he strokes my hair. Aww :)

    I noticed you started calling him "Daddy" -- not sure if somehow I missed that earlier, but Cael and I use that name as well, I've found it's really brought out his sweet yet strict dominance. Makes you melt! ;)

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    1. Hi Riley,

      What is it with those questions? So hard to answer at the best of times, let alone on the spot in that position LoL

      I just love curling up on the floor in front of him. It's my safe place.

      I mentioned in a recent post about calling Rick Daddy. It's always reassuring to hear others do the same or similar things. It felt a bit strange to begin with, but I do like it. It really helps to enforce our roles and I too have found similar changes in Rick. It's probably made him even more protective too!

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  16. We're still really new to this but I wonder if not knowing what's going to happen allows you to build trust in him. Instead of wondering if he has a plan and what the plan is you trust him to lead you through the process. C

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    1. Hi Clara,

      Welcome! Thank you for reading and for your comment. You've given me something to think about. I hadn't thought about how this can help to build trust. A very good point so thank you.

      I think my struggle with him letting things flow instead of having it planned is that I somehow interpret this as him not being in control. I'm realising now though that he is very much in control.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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