Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Flexing our Dom/sub Muscle

Some of you noticed that this post appeared the other day and then suddenly disappeared again just as quickly.  I received a few emails asking me about this phenomenon.  The truth is, I accidental hit the publish button before I had finalised the post.  My bad!

I apologise for the confusion and extend my thanks to those of you who emailed.  I truly appreciate you checking in with me.

I feel as though this post is a little rambling and if you saw it go up the other day and have been waiting for me to repost it, I'm afraid it probably wasn't worth the wait LoL.  Anyway, I'll get on with it shall I? ... Good idea Roz! ... did I hear you say? Alrighty then.

There has been some talk lately around submission exercises and the things we do in general to reinforce our roles in ttwd.

I got to thinking there are quite a few things that Rick and I do to enforce our roles within our dynamic, so I decided to jot a few of them down here.  As I was writing this post I was actually quite surprised at the number of things we do.

Some of these are rules and some of them have another purpose as well as being an exercise in flexing our Dom/sub muscles.

You may not like some of these things or agree with them, but they work for us.

One big change we made a while ago that I haven't yet shared here is that Rick is my Daddy.  He loves me, cares for me, protects and corrects me.  So yes, he is my Daddy.

For us this is a term only.  It does not denote a change in our Dd dynamic.  I still use his given name and all the usual endearments but alongside this I also call him Daddy.  Particularly when responding to a lecture, discipline or requesting permission for something.

I won't pretend it didn't feel strange at first, because it sure did.  But, I have to say, nothing pushes my submission button more than uttering that word.  It also fuels his masculinity and inner Dom.  Also, I have always been his good girl and have heard those words a lot, but I hear them more now that I call him Daddy.  Again, nothing pushes my submission button more than hearing those words.

Just as it felt strange to say it in the beginning, it also feels strange at the moment to write it here.

I have seen these on Ward and June's blog and just love them.  June was kind enough to send them to me.  Thank you June :)


Daddy's Rules


While I am on the subject of words, there is a huge power in our choice of words and how we choose to say them.  When he asks or directs me to do something, or issues an instruction, rather than say "ok", I now try and say "yes Daddy".  To me it projects a more submissive mindset.  I'll do it because you told me to, whereas "ok" could mean I'll go along with you because I happen to agree.

On the same theory, when seeking permission for something I endeavour to ask "may I" rather than "can I" because of course I can.

I can't take credit for these particular examples.  They were inspired by June and by Cathie Cookie.  Thank you ladies for the inspiration.  The subtle change in choice of words has definitely had an impact in my feelings of submissiveness.  By the same token though, at times when I'm not feeling my most submissive I sometimes choke on the words LoL.

Regular readers here would know about my 'collar'.  It is a symbol of our roles. Wearing it reminds me of my submission and for him, seeing it reminds him that I am his.

Rick is king of this castle.  He decides what goes on within the castle walls and he likes to be made to feel as though he is king of his castle.  Therefore, we have several what I might call at home rules.

One of these is that I do not turn on television, music, the computer or anything else without permission when we are spending time together.  I am not allowed to touch any remotes in fact without permission, even to mute the pesky ads or adjust volume.  I have to either ask him to do it, or ask his permission to do so myself.  Sometimes he will ease off on this rule though and allow me control of the remotes.

He chooses what we watch, listen to etc.  This does not mean I don't have a choice or a say however.  Far from it.  He always asks what I want to do or watch or listen to etc and most often, that it what we end up doing.  Of course, sometimes he decides he can think of other things he would much prefer us to be doing :)

During evenings when we are relaxing together I quite often find myself sitting on the floor between his legs with my head on his thigh.  He will gently play with my hair, or rub my back.  I also keep an eye to ensure he is catered for.  For example, when his drink is finished, I will get up and get him another straight away.

During these times, if I want to get up and leave the room for any reason, even just to go to the bathroom I tell him what I am doing first rather than just getting up and leaving him.  I do this because  when we started ttwd he told me that he thought sudden disappearances on my part were rude, and perhaps disrespectful. He also shows me the same courtesy.

Of course, there is perhaps no better place than the bedroom to flex our Dom/sub muscles.  One of our rules is that I get undressed for bed down to my underwear and stand by his side of the bed.  I do not get into bed until he invites me to do so. He will look at me, take in my body, talk to me.  This is quite often when he will tell me what things he has noticed that he likes, and what things he would like to see an improvement in.  He always uses this time to reaffirm his love for me.  This is usually followed by him inviting me into bed and finding another way to show his dominance :)  I find this particularly humbling and it certainly makes me feel submissive.  I am still not entirely used to the feeling of being on display (so to speak).

The things I have outlined above are things we do when we are together that really help us to embrace our roles.  But what about when we are apart?

Some of the general rules we have revolve around me seeking his agreement before I do certain things. For example, if I am contemplating a spend.  Knowing that I still need to seek his permission, whether he is here or not reminds me of my submission to him.  I always have to stop and think before acting.  What would Daddy think?  Is this something I need to ask Daddy about?

We also have strict times by which I am to text or ring him to check in.  This mostly speaks to his protectiveness.  He needs to make sure I am OK and safe.  Also, if he is away at night, because I am so terrible about going to bed (no comment please Willie and Susie!) he will text or ring to instruct me to go to bed. Fortunately for me, he is also a night owl, but not quite as bad as I am if left to my own devices.

Does all of this mean that we end every day like this?


Are we always on our game? Always 'in the groove' with ttwd?

Hell no!  Like everyone else we struggle.  Life gets in the way sometimes and there are times our dynamic takes a back seat.  But all of these things certainly help us to keep the focus on our dynamic.

By the way, Rick says we'll be doing role affirmation tomorrow.  Oh yay!  Can you tell how submissive I'm feeling right now? LoL

41 comments:

  1. Omg the wait was worth it.

    Oh Roz a lot of the things you do, we do too, I jus thought sometimes hubs is being very strict, but the way you describe it, it is an exercise in submission. I'm not allowed the controls or the laptop and have to ask for them, and I have to kneel at his bed at night before I get invites to join him.

    I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you have kids? I ask this because hubs has said to me on several occasions, daddy said do such and such, or do this for daddy. But with the kids I just feel weird I don't know why. That's how he came up with Sir.
    Sorry if its a personal question, but I've always wanted to know how people differentiate Daddy and daddy if that makes sense :)

    Great post, really enjoyed reading it x

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    1. Hi Missy, I remember reading on your blog about your bedtime rule. It always amazes me how many of us have similar rules. For us, a lot of these things are purely an exercise in submission and also showing respect to Rick.

      The Daddy thing certainly isn't for everyone. I took me a while to get used to

      I don't mind you asking at all. We don't have kids in the house but it's a completely different context. I think June summed it up perfectly below. It's just like I'm sure the way your husband sets rules for you and lectures and disciplines, is completely different from how he deals with the kids. The major difference is that there is consent wheres that is not the case between parent and child.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  2. Great post Roz. I will be giving some thought to this as I think maybe I'm too focused on the spanking aspect and need to find other ways to get into that submissive place. Take care. Robin

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    1. Hi Robin, thank you so much for reading and for your comment. I really appreciate it. and am glad you found it useful.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  3. Well now, you can't call Susie and I out and then expect us not too comment~ Sheesh!!! Truth be told I selfishly like it when you are up late, that means we actually get to chat!

    Thank you for sharing your post. It was worth the wait. I honestly don't think I could call Barney Daddy, but perhaps another word would work. Saying yes instead of okay makes perfect sense. Also we have a wood floor in our TV room, so I'm not THAT submissive to sit on it while watching tv....lol. Look at me finding loop holes already.

    I will email this to Barney though~ Thanks Roz

    Love Ya. Willie

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    1. Hi Willie, my bedtime tea buddie :)

      He he, believe me, I too am grateful that Rick allows me to stay up so that we can have our chats.

      Yeah, the Daddy thing did take me a bit to get used to, but now feels natural. It's amazing when you stop to think about it, just how many things we all do to reinforce our dynamic that we aren't consciously aware of.

      um ... perhaps a nice big cushion or thick fluffy rug? There goes your loop hole LoL

      Love and Hugs,
      Roz

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  4. Thanks for sharing about your personal journey of submission... Hugs, Terps

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    1. You're welcome Terps :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  5. Roz,
    This post is so interesting to me and so enlightening because so many of your 'exercises' I do myself, without even realizing that they are 'submissive' per se!

    Not the being invited into bed exercise that you do with your hubby, or the Daddy (though there is some of that, in a different way) but otherwise...hmmm...I may write a companion post to yours if you don't mind with a link-back, if that's okay?

    I really, really enjoyed this post. Thanks for finally publishing! ;)

    Elisa Xo

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    1. Hi Elisa, Thank you for your kind words. It is amazing when you think about all the things we do to reinforce our roles without even realising it isn't it.

      A comparison post would be awesome! I would be most interested to read your post.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  6. Roz these are beautiful. Thank you for sharing how you and Rick stay connected to one another.

    Hugs

    P

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    1. Thank you for your lovely words P, you're welcome :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  7. What a great post, Roz. I love reading about how you and Rick connect. You two seem like such a sweet couple.

    Hugs,
    TL

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    1. Hi TL, thank you so much for your lovely comment. We work hard at ttwd and still have a lot to learn.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  8. I love this post, Roz :) You perfectly express what the Daddy /lg dynamic is for Ward and myself. It's not an ageplay thing at all for us it speaks to the level of deference I give to him and the blanketing, nurturing nature that his Dominance provides to me.

    I think you made an extraordinarily important point when you said that he extends you the same courtesies. Courtesy seems to be curiously absent in our society. Sadly so because that creates a most delicious reciprocity.

    (((hugs)))

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    1. June, thank you so much for sending me the pics and for your comment. You express beautifully here what "Daddy" means to you and I. I struggled to find the words to express it properly in the post.

      Absolutely, Rick shows me the same level of respect and courtesy that he expects from me.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  9. Hi Roz, we have the same rules for getting in bed (although kneeling) and leaving the room and it does wonders for keeping the submissive mindset at the forefront of all thoughts. The Ok thing made me giggle because if it slips out its a sure trip over OTK for a little reminder.

    Thank you for sharing these, it's nice to know that other couples use a lot of the same techniques and benefit from it.

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    1. Hi Dancing, thank you so much for your comment. It is great to hear that others use a lot of similar techniques. As I said to Missy, I'm amazed at how many of us have such similar rules.

      The way I respond to him, such as the OK thing, has come from me rather than being something he insists on. Having said that, because I usually say "yes", he is used to this response and likes it so I think letting "ok" slip out may cause a eyebrow to raise LoL

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  10. You bring up many very interesting issues here Roz. To begin with I was unsure and a little perturbed about them. They didn't sit right with me. But then I got to thinking, and it's true, that with a little alteration I follow many of these things myself without even thinking about it. Like the remotes - I even hand them to Starman, and although we discuss programmes, he usually watches what he wants to watch and I acquiesce. I automatically go get him drinks of either the hot or cold variety. I ask him if he wants a snack. (I run around after him a lot, and I never realised before!) I asked him once about calling him Sir and he didn't want me to do that, he didn't like it, but I never answer with OK, I usually say Of course I will, or My pleasure.

    So, thank you for your post - I enjoyed reading it and would like to know more.

    Hugs,

    Ami

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    1. Hi Ami, I found writing this post a really interesting exercise. As you said, there are so many things we do that we don't even realise until we sit down to really think about it. For some reason, I found myself thinking about this the other day and thought it would make an interesting post.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  11. This is a lovely glimpse into a beautiful relationship. Ian has suggested that I "sir" him at times (during discipline, etc.) and I can't really get the hang of it, but it keeps coming up. I think maybe being able to do that comfortable might help take things to another level, and keep submission on our minds.
    Congratulations for the beautiful marriage you and Rick have, Roz.
    hugs and love
    lillie

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    1. Thank you so much for your lovely words Lillie,

      It does take a while to get comfortable with these terms. Sir is one we also use, although he now prefers Daddy. It really does help me stay in a submissive mindset as well as helping Rick in his dominance.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  12. Are there finer words in the english language than 'good girl'. I love it. Thank you for sharing. So much of what you do is similar to what we do. I'd like to do a companion post and link back, too, if it's alright. Presuming I can figure out how. Not to copy you or anything but to reflect the differences and similarities. Every flower in the garden is different.
    Bea

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    1. HI Bea, thank you for reading and for your comment. I truly appreciate it.

      It's so great to hear of other couples who do similar things. It amazes me how many of us have similar rules or do similar things. Especially given that each couple makes ttwd their own.

      A companion post would be awesome! I'd love to read your thoughts.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  13. That's very sweet. Sounds like you just get closer and closer...

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    1. Hi Renee, thank you for your lovely comment. Yes it does feel that way, we are so much closer now that ever :)

      Hugs,
      Roz

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    1. Hi Elle, there's nothing like these little acts. I love his shows of dominance!

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  15. Hello Roz,

    Thank you for this very rich and fertile post! You have captured the essence of My and my June's dynamic to a tea. The same consideration and courtesy that you show him is a mirror of what he should and is showing you. That reciprocity is an important part of what a man should do for his woman.

    So much of this version of the Daddy/bg dynamic is missing from the web. Not about inane fetishes or ageplay, no this is deeper and more vibrant than that. It's about taking care of each other, harmony, leadership, followership and submission. I just wanted to tell you and your guy that what you guys have, and this post is beautiful!

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    1. Hi Ward,

      Thank you so much for dropping by and for your lovely comment. I truly appreciate the comments from you both because they show that I have conveyed in this post exactly what I had intended. I was a little concerned it may be misconstrued.

      I admire the wonderful and loving relationship you and June share so your comment is a great boost and encouragement to me. Thank you again.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  16. Thank you so much for writing this out Roz...and thanks to Willie or I would not have found it. I thought you had decided to not post it.

    I am amazed at how many "little" things we do here as well and I hadn't known it till I was melting down a few weeks ago and started to pay attention. LOL, even the chocolate thing is a bit of a submission exercise.

    I love how you two find ways to care for and stay in tune with each other. It's sweet and original...and very much "you". Rick is a creative guy and you are attentive to both him and his responses. I really think this is the way it is supposed to be and sets up an openness for a lot of growth.

    Okay...now checking online to make sure you are in bed and not chatting away somewhere. Nope, you're good. :)

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    1. Hi Susie, I'm so glad you read this. Yes, many thanks to Willie for including the link on her blog after I - ahem- accidently pushed publish too early, took it down then re-published.

      It is amazing isn't it. There is so much we do to 'practice' our roles that we don't even realise and I agree, your chocolate thing is an exercise in submission itself.

      Thank you for your kind words, we do really try to stay in tune with each other and Rick sure is creative!

      Checking on me? LoL ... well ... um ... actually, I did see your comment immediately - on my phone in bed ... as I was already reading blogs on it. Yes I am in trouble :( Ok, obviously I need to listen to you and Wilma! - sigh

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  17. I think it is really important to practice submission, especially for those of us to whom it might not come so (ehem) naturally. We all do different things, as they evolve out of our own specific relatiosnhips, but they take us to the same place, one of a well oiled D/s dynamic.

    Sara

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    1. Hi Sara,

      Thank you for dropping by :) I agree entirely. I find if I don't actively practice submission I loose my submissive mindset. Also, if I'm not really feeling submissive, these small acts really help to get me there. Fake it till you make it. That doesn't always work for me mind you.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  18. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  19. Yes, this was worth the wait. I saw things that we already do, and some ideas I may suggest to Dave. Thank you for a good read and much to consider as far as my own submissive thinking.

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    1. Hi Jacquie,

      Thank you so much for your comment. You're welcome and I'm so glad if it has helped you realise some of the ways in which you practice your roles and given you some food for thought.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  20. I am so behind, sorry. But I just had to reply to this, because I loved it. I called the Duke Daddy a couple of times, it felt so weird, but I did feel submissive. I haven't done it lately, but reading this makes me really wonder about returning to the thought. If not that, to at least start working on calling him Sir again. It's just slipped away, and you're right, the words we use can totally affect our mindset. Thank you for sharing, this has given me a lot to think about today.

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    1. Hi Es May,

      Thank you so much for coming back to read this. I'm glad it struck a chord with you. I use both terms but mainly Daddy now. It did feel strange at first but not now and it really doesn't help both of us with enforcing our roles.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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  21. It is interesting the timing of happening across this post on your blog and I am thankful that I have. I have been thinking about these things a bit over the weekend and this post kind of echoes some of my thoughts. I don't think I could ever use the term 'Daddy' due to personal reasons but I have wondered in the past if using a term would help and if Tm would want me to. Well yesterday he told me to call him 'Alpha male.' It started out in sort of play I think in reference to a post I had about him being a silver back gorilla if he was an animal, which are the alpha's of their troop. It is amazing how it makes a difference in how I feel when I say that. How humbling maybe? Still a bit new to me so I'm not really sure.

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    1. Hi Mischief, Welcome, and thank you for coming back to read this and comment. I love your profile pic btw :)

      I'm glad this resonated with you. I can understand you not being comfortable with using this term and of course, different couple finds words or phrases that work for them.

      We have found, as you said, it really does make a difference to my mindset when I use it and also helps reinforce both our roles as hearing it also makes him feel more dominant.

      Hugs,
      Roz

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