Saturday is normally housework day for me. It's a rule. All housework is to be completed on Saturday. Don't get me wrong. This doesn't at all mean my husband doesn't help and join me in housework activities because he does. In fact, that's one of the areas in which he he is very good. It just means that nothing is left and is a way to ensure that it is completed every week.
I am a terrible obsessive compulsive and have to have everything neat and tidy, in it's place and above all - CLEAN. Yep, I'm a clean freak. If I'm not happy with the state of the house I become over anxious, and that leads to other problems. All of this is another reason it's a rule. It helps reduce any anxiety on my part and keep me in my happy place.
Now I've cleared that up, back to the story. My husband was out having left me to sleep in so when I got up I sent him a text to check in. Let him know where I was at and telling him I would do housework.
There was no reply to my text so I carried on my merry way. By the way - have you ever noticed that during the throws of cleaning the house becomes even messier! Vacuum cleaner and parts strewn everywhere, various cleaning products strewn around, furniture moved around so that you can get behind/underneath etc?
I was busy working away and suddenly anxiety started to set in. Why? About what? I really don't know. I started obsessing about EVERYTHING. I think it was a combination of hormones, not enough sleep (cough) and plain old OCD. I was just feeling generally anxious.
A text arrives telling me plans we had for that night could not now go ahead and that he wasn't concerned about the housework because he had other plans for us and to get myself organised so that I would be ready when he arrived home.
WTF! You tell me this now? When I'm in the middle of this mess!
I spiralled. A combination of frustration at our plans for that evening not coming to fruition and anxiety at the change in direction - Argh
Cue this guy
Yep, my old friend Scrappy. In a panic, I looked around at my (in my mind at the time) dishevelled home and became even more anxious. However, I dropped what I was doing and headed for the shower instead so that I would be ready when hubby arrived back home.
As I showered my mind went places that I'm now ashamed to admit to. I started thinking such thoughts as
Why should you call all the shots
What about what I want
Why do I have to be at your beck and call constantly
I don't want to obey
Obviously, I was feeling anything but submissive. As I said, I'm ashamed of these thoughts now. I was feeling ... well ... scrappy. The OCD also took a greater hold and I started to obsess even more about silly little things.
My husband arrived home and it was abundantly clear that I was frazzled so he sat me down to talk. I told him I was frustrated and anxious that he had changed plans on me and generally started ranting about all the things I thought needed doing. As well as the housework the lawn needs mowing, the windows need cleaning, the cats need a bath ... not sure about that one but that's about how ridiculous my rambling was. I told him he didn't understand how I get anxious and to not let me know plans early enough, or to change them without much notice just did me in. Then I confessed that I also felt unsubmissive (that was already pretty clear!). I didn't want to submit. I felt that I was at his beck and call constantly. All those thoughts that had been going through my head.
He listened, talked calmly to me and asked a lot of questions to try and get to the bottom of what was really going on. At one point I threw my hands up and said "oh, you're never going to understand!"at which point he quietly, but very firmly told me to knock that talk off.
Eventually I calmed and apologised and told him I knew my anxiety was silly, but it was real to me and that this submission business is hard. There are times I just want to buck it, thumb my nose at him and perhaps need to be able to vent a little too.
My rant over it was his turn to talk. He apologied that our plans for the evening had been changed and said he was disappointed too. He told me he did know that I get anxious about things I feel need attention and always endeavours to take that into account when making any plans. He then went on to tell me he appreciated my efforts to submit and was proud of me and that he would modify things in future so that I would have more advanced warning of his plans, or change of plans. Finally, he thanked me for letting him know how I felt.
Do you want to know what he did next?
He mowed the lawn. Yes, that's right. He mowed the lawn instead of continuing with his original (changed) intention.
Why don't I go and mow the lawn while you continue
With those words I felt the stress literally leave my body like a balloon deflating. I hadn't finished by the time he had finished the lawn and still had some residual anxiety, but I was a lot happier.
Could I have done with a stress relief spanking? Well, maybe, but my clever husband knew mowing the lawn would be far more effective Lol.
My husband never ceases to amaze me. His ability to read me, know what I need, talk, listen, encourage me in my efforts and apologise (even if I don't believe it is necessary).
I feel so blessed and am so proud of the way in which he has embraced his role within our dynamic.